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Parenting

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Original poster

Husband holding us back??

49 replies

Soggysocks17 · 21/10/2023 04:25

Hi, im frustrated and need a little advice.
I’ve been with my husband for 12 years 4 children and we generally get on very well, little arguing kids happy etc.

so we live in a 2 bed and I’m desperately trying to move into 3 bed, we’ve had a few offers but due to my husband not being able to drive we can’t travel to far from his work as he needs good transport links but where we are currently living is having a 3 bed crisis so nothing is around.

For years I’ve asked him to drive as it would better our lives and also take more pressure off me as I’m the one who does all the school/childcare drops off, holidays, days out, family visits and he always says the same, I’ll start in January but January never comes.
I never get a break because he can’t just take the kids out for the day to give me space.

I’ve been putting money away for a mortgage deposit as that was the plan to buy our own home, well he approached me last week and said he thinks we shouldn’t save for a mortgage yet and ‘enjoy’ life. This leaves us stuck in a 2 bed with 4 kids and me being up all night with the youngest because child no 3 won’t sleep and wake’s everyone up in the room, while he sleeps through it.

He is also the main earner, I was until we had our last baby 9 months ago and due to me being the only driver he can’t do school runs/nursery runs so I have to drop my hours to part time to care for the children. He pays a certain amount in bills and keeps the rest for himself and don’t help with the day to day cost of the kids. He surplus is more than my mat pay. I will also pay the nurses fees solo again.

I love my husband and our children are In a happy household but I feel like he’s holding us back from having a more stable relaxed life and every time I bring it up he shuts it down quick.

he also doesn't have a penny saved, so any emergencies’ come out of my already stretched pockets.

I’m so fed up with feeling trapped in life but I know life will get harder if I’m alone in this and I’ll struggle so much more.

any advice?

OP posts:

Newestname002 · 21/10/2023 17:32

@Soggysocks17

^I need to start making moves for me and the kids without him.
I'm someone who’s always said I don’t want to have any regrets and wished I would have done thing’s different when I’m at the end of my life and unfortunately I think with him I will have missed out on a lot.^

I'm sorry but I agree that you need to see how the future could be lived without him as he is actively sabotaging any plans you are making to have a better life for you and your family.

The current situation works for him - if it improves because he could take more responsibility for the children because he could drive, or find a better job or anything social which entails driving he'd not just be lightening your load but increasing his.

You say he hasn't a penny saved but also:

He pays a certain amount in bills and keeps the rest for himself and don’t help with the day to day cost of the kids. He surplus is more than my mat pay. I will also pay the nurses fees solo again.

He's thinking of himself not his family - especially when f he's stashing cash away where you can't access it?

Also make no more children with him - he's really not pulling his weight enough with ones you already have. Not fair on them or you. 🌹

RebeccaCloud9 · 21/10/2023 17:43

Get a job and make him get the bus with the kids. That might give him the kick up the bum to learn to drive.

EvenBetta · 21/10/2023 17:44

Get advice from Womens Aid, the vile man is financially abusing you and your kids.

Interested in this thread?

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WaltzingWaters · 21/10/2023 17:50

He sounds awful, controlling, utterly selfish and very lazy. Leave. Why are you paying everything for your joint children? Why is he not contributing there? Make him get up in the night with the waking kids. Make him contribute to the household. Or leave.

YouTubeIsYourMotherNow · 21/10/2023 18:55

This is really difficult to read without feeling absolute outrage on your behalf OP.
I don't know if you've been a victim of a childhood where maybe you haven't had the chance to see close hand what a functional egalitarian relationship looks like but I promise you this is not it.

I think you should pay yourself real credit for having raised your kids with this level of minimal input from your alleged partner. I know few people who would have the strength to do that and you should use the resilience you have to demand more for yourself and your children.

A number of women's helplines are available if you need a nonjudgmental ear and someone to guide you through the process of figuring out whether you could be a victim of coercive control/financial abuse because it sounds like it. I would start there and then see if you can bring yourself to have a serious discussion about the things that need to change in your relationship for the benefit of the family.

Best of luck to you.

PinkRoses1245 · 21/10/2023 18:59

I think that’s borderline cruel to have 4 kids in a 2 bed house. You need to issue an ultimatum to him, this is far bigger than his not driving. You need to pool and review all your income, why is he keeping money for himself

pikkumyy77 · 21/10/2023 19:02

DisforDarkChocolate · 21/10/2023 07:36

Why do you love your financially abusive husband?

This! He us controlling and abusing you financially and by refusing to learn to drive or otherwise care for his own children. Of course he can learn to drive! Or do school runs or take them out to play (all of them) to give you a break! Do not alter your career for him. He is not a reliable partner and you cannot afford to be more vulnerable.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/10/2023 19:07

So he doesn't pay towards his children
Refuses to pay for more suitable accommodation for his children, does no physical or emotional care for his children and keeps a big chunck of the wages he earns ( family money ) for himself and gives you no access to it.

I bet he has a nice chuck of savings set aside op that you have been subsidising.

If you divorce him you will be able to move forwards with your children and actually live life, have some control, earn your own money again and he would have to hand over payment for his children.

He IS financially abusive, he IS a lazy husband and father, you deserve better.

Sdpbody · 21/10/2023 19:57

Why did you have 4 children in a 2 bed house. I think you've both made stupid decisions.

mathanxiety · 21/10/2023 20:16

The driving issue is the least of your problems. It's a symptom of another issue that is massive.

He's a self centered pig who thinks of nobody but himself.
He's happy to impregnate you four times and then wash his hands of all responsibility for the family.
He keeps money to himself (and what does he spend it on if there are no savings?????) while you support him and the children from your income, which is reduced because of his choice not to drive; and you're on mat leave and mat pay because he sees no problem with bringing children into a crowded house and then not playing any part in the care and keeping of them.

Divorce him.
He's had plenty of chances. He is laughing all the way to the bank at your expense.

usererror99 · 21/10/2023 20:21

Why would you have one child with him let alone 4 - all sharing a room...come on it's 2023 be an adult and take responsibility for the home life you've now landed your children in. If he won't take action then you need to - starting by getting rid of him

INeedAnotherName · 21/10/2023 20:26

Use your savings to leave him. It will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.

Seriously though, apart from sperm donation what does he do to improve your quality of life? All I see is manipulation, emotional and financial abuse from a lazy and extremely selfish man😱

strawberry2017 · 21/10/2023 20:35

You must literally be living on top of each other, this is going to be more unbearable when the kids get bigger.
He sounds like a fucking idiot whose not considering his family needs at all.

wildwestpioneer · 21/10/2023 20:49

Sounds like one of these people who doesn't want things to change

He's happy let you do all the school drop offs and driving in general - easy life for him
He's happy to stay in a small house / means he can keep you chained to the steering wheel.

Tbh I'd make it difficult for him, I'd tell him I was moving either with, or without him, as you need to move closer to work so you can go back full time. If that means him taking a bus and train, or two buses then so be it - it's in his gift to change thingy driving.

pikkumyy77 · 21/10/2023 20:51

Right: not driving is his problem, not yours.

SErunner · 21/10/2023 21:16

You've both chosen to have 4 children. Your living situation sounds absolutely dire and is only going to get worse as they get older. Sounds like you both need to grow up and act a bit more responsibly. If he isn't going to do that, move on without him.

Unicorn2022 · 22/10/2023 11:55

pikkumyy77 · 21/10/2023 20:51

Right: not driving is his problem, not yours.

No it's definitely her problem if she has to do all the school runs and ferry the kids around because he refuses to drive.

pikkumyy77 · 22/10/2023 12:44

I am agreeing with the poster sbove me that he should bear the pain of it. They should mive to where she likes and he should take multiple buses. He should take over all tasks, like shopping and cooking or cleaning do not require a car.

Fifisneighbor · 18/01/2024 02:26

So let me get this straight...
>>"I’ve been putting money away for a mortgage deposit as that was the plan to buy our own home, well he approached me last week and said he thinks we shouldn’t save for a mortgage yet and ‘enjoy’ life."

>> "He pays a certain amount in bills and keeps the rest for himself and don’t help with the day to day cost of the kids."

>> "...he also doesn't have a penny saved, so any emergencies’ come out of my already stretched pockets."

It doesn't sound like "we" are saving for a mortgage deposit... it sounds like you are, OP. It sounds like he's not doing his fair share or paying his fair share. I'm very sorry for you -- he needs to shape up or ship out, as they say. Doesn't help out with the day to day cost of the kids... they are his kids too, aren't they? (Or did I miss something?)

PanamaPamela77 · 18/01/2024 02:43

Op I could be entirely wrong but just a thought …

…are you sure he doesn’t have a gambling problem or major debts or something?

It seems so odd that he doesn’t want a mortgage after 12 years of marriage and 4 dc.

He would have to disclose his financial situation to you if you tried to buy somewhere together. Is that why he suddenly put the breaks on?

Also it would explain an inability to fund driving lessons even though he contributes so little towards his own dc which is appalling in itself.

I hope you find a way through this that ends up with you and the dc being more financially independent and in a bigger house without this waster of a husband dragging you down.

coxesorangepippin · 18/01/2024 02:52

What does this man actually contribute??

He can't drive, has no ambition and allows you to do all the saving up and planning??

RedMinnie · 18/01/2024 02:53

@Fifisneighbor this thread is from October…. How did you come across it and why resurrect it?!

SunRainStorm · 18/01/2024 03:01

Was hoping to read that she'd thrown him out

RantyAnty · 18/01/2024 03:14

I don't understand what there is to love about this controlling arse. And please shore up birth control and stop fucking this idiot.

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