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Original poster

Grief on what’s app status

42 replies

sweetiepie1979 · 20/10/2023 02:20

My Dd friends dad died this morning suddenly she is 12. The girls were planning a sleepover at one of the houses and I was surprised that it went ahead this evening given the circumstances but the child who is grieving wanted her girlfriends around her so they had the sleepover at one of the houses. I just saw my DD what’s app status which was a gushing I’m sorry for what you are going through to her friend who she is with right now and I found it so crass and vulgar it made me feel a bit sick so I texted her and explained gently please take the status down it is inappropriate she couldn’t understand why and it was difficult to explain she said all the girls have done it to support their Friend they have also got lots of photos up of the evening of having a party and laughing and dancing. This all seems a bit weird to me I’m Irish Catholic I know people deal with grief in different ways does anyone else think this is a vulgar thing to do? She has taken it down but she is now pissed off with me. 🙄

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 20/10/2023 02:31

I don't understand what is so wrong with it.

I wouldn't do it, but if a bunch of 12 year old are doing it and the person who is grieving the loss of their father finds it comforting, I don't get why you'd stop your DD from doing it.

Guavafish1 · 20/10/2023 02:33

I think its nice at that age.

Shraree · 20/10/2023 02:39

I find your response odd. She's 12 and in their world, that was a nice thing for them to do. Why did it make you feel uncomfortable?

IsThereABarUpThere · 20/10/2023 02:41

Really...

Blossom45 · 20/10/2023 02:43

I also find your response odd. Did the 12 year old whose dad has died find it comforting? If so, then that’s all that matters, your opinion really doesn’t.

Original poster
sweetiepie1979 · 20/10/2023 03:06

Well I suppose I think updating your status is advertising and that was a private message that she put in her status for everyone to see. They are young and you are right there is maybe no harm but I generally find the updating of status a bit nauseating and in this circumstance it seemed so vulgar when it was such a tragedy I’m sure this has more to do with my upbringing and it’s good to have your opinions thank you

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 20/10/2023 03:13

I understand where you are coming from OP. It feels a bit like virtue signalling and inserting yourself into the situation, but they are 12 year old girls dealing with an upsetting and unusual situation; and this is probably how their generation will deal with things (good and bad).

Yes, very odd to still have a sleepover after a parent's death. Usually a family time with maybe one or two close friends.

Toddlerteaplease · 20/10/2023 03:18

To find it nauseating is a bit odd. But having a sleep over on the night your father has died is even odder.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 20/10/2023 03:21

Blossom45 · 20/10/2023 02:43

I also find your response odd. Did the 12 year old whose dad has died find it comforting? If so, then that’s all that matters, your opinion really doesn’t.

This.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 20/10/2023 03:22

The word vulgar is what I find extremely odd in this situation. It was a lovely thing to do and you've potentially ruined your daughters night over an extreme exaggeration. Back off

Simonlebonbon · 20/10/2023 03:24

When my dc was about 12 and started using social media he posted a picture of a baby in the family who had passed away, asking to get 100 likes for baby to "fly high".
I quickly put an end to that as I found it all shades of awful.
However the WhatsApp thing I'd not be bothered by, she's just showing support on a age appropriate level, she's not using the death to gain attention or likes, she's just being 12.
It's a huge hurdle, grief and I imagine the poor girl who's father has passed away will still be in shock and processing it all. They don't have the maturity at their age to support each other on a deeper level yet, so making her laugh and showing love and support through WhatsApp status and just being together is all they can do right now.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 20/10/2023 03:25

They’re 12 and negotiating a seismic life event, together. The bereaved child wanted the sleepover and the entire friendship group has done something your daughter has explained is appropriate for them. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s vulgar, it’s really, really not about you. Listen to your kid.

Original poster
sweetiepie1979 · 20/10/2023 03:55

This is really helpful thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetiepie1979 · 20/10/2023 04:03

@justanothermanicmonday1 vulgar meaning in bad taste. I saw it as attention seeking. I think some of the reply’s have been really helpful so thank you all. The whole phone updating of status is so alien to me I’ve never used Facebook etc

OP posts:
Afm88 · 20/10/2023 04:14

They're twelve year old girls. Leave them be. This isn't the same as an adult doing something like this.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 20/10/2023 04:24

What a weird and horrible response to your daughter supporting her friend. I really feel for her. They are kids. It was a sweet thing to do.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 20/10/2023 04:43

The unexpected death of a parent is a catastrophic event for a child. All of the friends supporting her, are doing their best in (what I presume is) uncharted waters for them. Not only that but they’ll also be feeling pretty shaken. They now have evidence that in their experience of the world, parents can die suddenly.

There will be so many emotions going on for those girls right now. Pre-teens are trying so hard to figure out who they are and big displays of ‘status’ and image are part and parcel of that.

I wonder if your reaction (judgement based) was fear that someone would see her ‘vulgar’ behaviour as an extension of your family values and essentially you? Is that what felt uncomfortable about it? If so take a step back from those imagined negative voices (most likely no one batted an eyelid) and instead listen to the very real voice of your daughter who is saying ‘this is so huge right now, that it is dominating who I am.’

Give her a cuddle, tell her you love her, and that you are proud of her for supporting her friend under such heartbreaking circumstances, that many adults would struggle with. Then let her talk without judgement or trying to fix things, just listen and let her talk, to help clear her young mind.

Original poster
sweetiepie1979 · 20/10/2023 04:48

@RogersOrganismicProcess thus is exactly how I felt I knew it had something to do with my sisters and the way I was brought up and I was hearing and seeing them when I was reading it we were surrounded by death in Ireland and it was blinds down wear black don’t leave the house for the first month no music only prayers. Your post has been very helpful for me thanks 🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetiepie1979 · 20/10/2023 04:57

@DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy not very helpful. I opened up to receive advice knowing I was misjudging the situation I am far from a weird and horrible parent. There is no need to hate here particularly in such a sad sensitive matter. As parents we don’t always make the right call and I am learning from that right now with the help of supportive voices to help me see where that is coming from. Be kinder than me if you think I’m horrible don’t join me.

OP posts:
DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 20/10/2023 05:08

You said your child's post was nauseating, vulgar and crass, and that it made you feel sick. I can't imagine anything my 12 year old daughter could do that would make me feel that way and your response was completely irrational and must have upset her greatly. Your op didn't ask for advice or give any impression that you felt you'd misjudged the situation. If you put up a post on here you'll get responses. It's unfortunate if you don't like them ( especially mine) but that's the internet for you.

Original poster
sweetiepie1979 · 20/10/2023 06:48

@DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy. I think other people understood me better there is a lot you are reading between the lines that other people were able to do better we have all lost someone my husband and I have been up all night we are sick with grief for the family leave the advice to nicer people your crass my daughter is learning how to present herself in social media it didn’t alone with my values she is a child what is your excuse. You don’t need to answer that. I finished now you will have to get your little kicks somewhere else

OP posts:
DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 20/10/2023 06:56

If your daughter is learning to present herself on social media you giving her such a kick in the teeth didn't really help her did it? I'm actually doing the opposite of reading between the lines I'm reading your own exact words which I won't repeat as I've written them down once already. Just own what you did for gods sake. I hope you keep coming back to me is helping you feel a bit better about it.

joanyjaz · 20/10/2023 06:58

I would find it crass if an adult did it but even then you could argue that people grieve and show support in different ways.

But these are 12 year old girls, they are still learning about the world/social media. I can't imagine getting this wound up over it, especially if the bereaved child is finding comfort from it.

It isn't virtue signalling in the same way it could be if an adult did it.

As for the sleepover, singing and dancing...don't assume that this means the child is fine. It will all come crashing down and hit her soon enough. Let her do what she needs to to cope and stop judging 12 year olds!

CharlotteBog · 20/10/2023 06:58

Toddlerteaplease · 20/10/2023 03:18

To find it nauseating is a bit odd. But having a sleep over on the night your father has died is even odder.

I think if your dad dies when you're 12, you should do exactly what helps ease that shock.
If being with your friends is what feels ok then it's not odd.

TheresaOfAvila · 20/10/2023 06:59

sweetiepie1979 · 20/10/2023 02:20

My Dd friends dad died this morning suddenly she is 12. The girls were planning a sleepover at one of the houses and I was surprised that it went ahead this evening given the circumstances but the child who is grieving wanted her girlfriends around her so they had the sleepover at one of the houses. I just saw my DD what’s app status which was a gushing I’m sorry for what you are going through to her friend who she is with right now and I found it so crass and vulgar it made me feel a bit sick so I texted her and explained gently please take the status down it is inappropriate she couldn’t understand why and it was difficult to explain she said all the girls have done it to support their Friend they have also got lots of photos up of the evening of having a party and laughing and dancing. This all seems a bit weird to me I’m Irish Catholic I know people deal with grief in different ways does anyone else think this is a vulgar thing to do? She has taken it down but she is now pissed off with me. 🙄

I get it. There’s something grief vampirish and performative about it.

I would react as you did completely.