Grief on what’s app status

[sweetiepie1979]

My Dd friends dad died this morning suddenly she is 12. The girls were planning a sleepover at one of the houses and I was surprised that it went ahead this evening given the circumstances but the child who is grieving wanted her girlfriends around her so they had the sleepover at one of the houses. I just saw my DD what’s app status which was a gushing I’m sorry for what you are going through to her friend who she is with right now and I found it so crass and vulgar it made me feel a bit sick so I texted her and explained gently please take the status down it is inappropriate she couldn’t understand why and it was difficult to explain she said all the girls have done it to support their Friend they have also got lots of photos up of the evening of having a party and laughing and dancing. This all seems a bit weird to me I’m Irish Catholic I know people deal with grief in different ways does anyone else think this is a vulgar thing to do? She has taken it down but she is now pissed off with me. 🙄

How old are you that you've never used Facebook or social media status updates and yet you have a 12 year old?! Surely everyone under 50 has?

Can you really not see why this was a kind-hearted gesture by your DD? You seem very unsupportive of her own feelings of grief and trying to support her friend.

I don’t agree, actually. A close friend died recently and we tried to make life as normal as possible for his son by continuing to include him in play dates etc with our son (and other friends did the same). If children feel up to it, normality and their friends around them is helpful.

One of my parents died last year, just around my son’s birthday, and we made a huge effort to make sure his birthday party went ahead as planned a couple of days later. It helped him to have something else to focus on.

I don't think your dd has done anything wrong.

Your language though is really extreme. "Vulgar" "Nauseating"?????
Why is your reaction so extreme OP?

Kids process things differently and this is a 12 year old thing to do it's not vulgar she's trying to support her friend.

I get why you'd find it a bit cringe, I read through some of my old MSN chats and taglines the other day and I was certainly cringing at 13/14yr old me.

Teens lack social nuance, and understanding. Empathy is also developing still so aslong as the the other girls are happy and the main girl is not upset by it, it'll just be one of those things that teens are doing online in relation to very exaggerated open displays to link them as a group.

The parent may not be happy but I'm sure she will speak to her child if not. I do understand why it put you off though

I do understand where you’re coming from. Had a sort of similar upbringing where grief and mourning is very private and somber. I find public condolences eg on Facebook & social media a bit attention seeking, but as you say it’s how some people show support or grieve.

@WhatWhereWhenHowWhy the idea of seeing my MSN makes me want to throw up. Little goth twat I was.

Our DC are growing up in a world where communication is very different. The immediacy of friendships, the constant ability to check in with each other's lives and even the way they express themselves to each other can be very different to the experience of previous generations growing up. You're looking at it through the lens you grew up with, that's not wrong but she isn't necessarily wrong either. Your reaction does seem very strong. If the 12 year old friend feels supported and comforted by it then thats more important then how you feel. Your DD may well be worried now that her friend will think she doesn't care because DDs not posted like her other friends have.

Please don't police how children greive. I was told by an aunt that I obviously didn't love my sister after she died after a long painful illness because I wasn't grieving according to her rules of grief. It made an extremely difficult time even more difficult. How we deal with grief is individual. Gosh this thread really hit a nerve for me after 30 something years.

You are totally out of line here and sound like a controlling helicopter parent. Let the young girls grieve however they want to you and deal with something so new as best the can.

If it had been a profane rant about their hatred of the man that has died then yes rock on with intervening but you controlled your DD and phenomenally made this group of girls’s grief about you and how you feel?

you owe your daughter an apology

Crass, vulgar, sickening, nauseating?!!?! What did I just read?

MN is a strange strange place

Well social media IS crass and cringeworthy. Young people can be too. It's ok. It's how they are showing their support. I'd be glad this girl has good friends around her op. I think you should've maybe just let them crack on.

I think you need to apologise to DD.

It’s just ‘the done thing’, especially at their age. To their friendship group, this is a way of showing support and the poor girl who has just lost her dad probably appreciated it.

Do you use Facebook? I’ve seen even adults in their 30s share long posts in similar vein when someone dies. You might not like it, it may not be ‘normal’ in all circles but it is widely accepted.

I wouldn’t do it either, for what it’s worth, but no judgement to those who do. As you say, everyone grieves differently.

It's sweet. They're 12 - they're trying to support their friend in a 12 year old kind of way. I don't think it's weird at all but I find your reaction a little strange. Why do you feel the need to get involved?

I think at 12 years old this is a totally acceptable thing to do. Assume the girl feels supported by it seeing she's there spending time. She's lucky to have such great friends

OP thank you for sharing what grief norms are for you, that's helpful for context.

I also think that you not having used Facebook is useful context too. People have tended towards posting something sympathetic about people they know who have died, or people they know who are struggling with something for, I don't know, 20 years or more on there. So it's totally normalised and not seen as crass to a lot of people. It's just a different way of interacting with the world than you are used to and I understand why it feels odd to you.

I'm sorry some posters have been an arse.

Xx

I disagree. I’m an adult who very recently lost my Mum. The child is probably in shock even if the death was expected and sometimes it’s easier to continue with current plans. Teenagers need their friends and hanging out with supportive people is good. She will be grieving for years to come.

What I think is odder is judging someone who is grieving and thinking you know better than them what is right for them to do.