DS(8) lonely at school lunch times

[SidonieBaker]

My DS is 8, year 3 - he says he enjoys school apart from lunch times, when he's really lonely as no one wants to play with him

We had a long chat this evening as it's parents evening tomorrow, and I asked if there was anything he thought Miss Smith (teacher - not her real name!) would tell me about him, or if there was anything he wanted me to talk to her about... he said the other boys in his class won't let him play with them at lunch time, they push him away and he ends up wandering around on his own. For context: his class is mostly girls (who he doesn't want to play with!), the boys are heavily into football (which he isn't!), and I'm not sure if 'pushing him away' is strictly accurate or if they just don't let him join in... but either way, it's making him hate school.

Could anyone suggest anything I can do to help? I believe the school did have a buddy bench but it isn't used now (I've already suggested it to him), and there aren't any lunch time clubs he could join, as something like a computing/ Lego/ drawing club would have been ideal for him. At a push I could collect him and take him home for an hour to have lunch there, but I don't think school encourage (allow?!) that any more. It's just such a shame that it's colouring his entire experience, and I'm not even sure what the teacher could do to help; I know they have lessons about 'being kind', 'playing nicely' etc, but I imagine these boys just don't want him to join in because he isn't actually very good at football, and presumably no one can make them include him...

I wish all your sons were in my son’s class :)
He doesn’t like football either, and either play with the girls or reads a book - teacher has said they allow him to take a book with him for one of the breaks but not all so he still has a chance to socialise.

No advice but my son has never liked football he preferred playing basketball and watching American football, he had a small mixed friendship group at primary school but when he went over to an all boys secondary school where football was a big part of the school and part of games every week he really struggled to find a solid friendship group - sadly it was only addressed by the school during the last week of year 11 where he was asked to attend a social well being session - I suspect a tick box exercise before he left.

What does he want to do/ play?

My son hates football, he likes singing and dancing and computer games and is also struggling to find his place at playtime.
Definitely bring it up at parents evening, find out the names of the two boys with similar interests if you can. Teachers can do a lot during class time to bring them together as they seem to move who sits where on a regular basis, do work in small groups etc. Both schools we've attended have also had school time confidence building activities for kids who are struggling (forest school etc) so he might be able to do those as well.

I live in Mexico and here boys and girls play together.

I had this situation in my class. I asked the boy what he was interested in and how he would like to spend his break time. He was really interested in science and nature so I suggested he make his own nature club. Together we spoke to the kids and asked if anyone would be interested in joining him...loads said yes. I gave him a wee bag with some magnifying glasses, plastic jars to collect stuff and some tweezers and a notebook to record their findings. He was delighted. The novelty wore off after a while and some of the kids drifted back to their football etc but it really helped to boost his confidence and make him more sociable with children he didn't necessarily know well beforehand.
I really recommend something like this rather than taking him home at lunchtime or having an adult led club. It will be much better for his independence and self esteem.

Our local schools all have have 2–3 football-free days per week, which has benefits for both the players and the non-players.
Otherwise, how about the kids in the year above or below?

I would speak to the school. They ought to be offering a range of non-football based activities for the kids at break. One of the playground supervisors at my DC's school (there are usually two) runs playground games that anyone can join simply by coming up and asking her. They also have an outdoor reading hut.

I'm a reacher and have absolutely no capacity to run a lunchtime club. Schools often don't have middays now as no one wants the job - all our TAs are supervising lunches or having their half hour break, so no capacity there either. However, could you suggest to the school not allowing football every day.?Boys tend to dominate the playground when it's allowed every day. Many schools encourage children to play different sports like basketball and hockey, which different children tend to join it. Would a different sport interest your son?

What's a midday?

A Depute should be running something then if teachers/ TAs have no capacity.

I'm secondary & we run lots of clubs at lunchtime- take it in turns to run them, so we only do one lunch time a week. It is possible.

My little boy is similar to this, with most boys playing football at lunch. Luckily there's a small handful who play imagination games together. I'd talk to his teacher, could they do something in the library like a board game club or reading space.
We took my son to a really inclusive football club as a hobby, so if he ever wanted to join in, he'd know the rules and some skills (he doesn't join in, but he knows he could). He also has a close friend in one of the girls, and we set up play dates with her so that he had an option if the non football boys weren't there. I'd encourage him to practice asking the non football boys to play, or asking them what they're into to try and build some common ground, or asking the girls. As well as speaking to this teacher and making sure the school are helping, even if its just allowing him to borrow a book or something so he's not standing about miserably. Maybe he could set up a club and gain some confidence as well as some friends if school can facilitate that.
I hope they help you sort it out, it's so horrible worrying about them, especially when there's not much you can do to help... I always feel secondary school will be better as there'll be other children similar and more options!

Midday supervisor.

We don't have a full time head and our deputy is a full time class teacher too. We really, quite genuinely don't have capacity. 10 years ago I always ran a club; it's just not a possibility now. (Sorry not trying to derail the thread!)

Jeez. Very different to primary here in Scotland, where even small schools have a Headteacher & one Depute who are not class based- then as they get bigger another Depute or principal teacher who are also not class based. DS3's school has the HT & 2 Deputes who are not class based, plus a further 2 principal teachers who only teach part-time & have other school roles.

Your situation sounds tough.

Also, we don't have midday supervisors, don't even know what they are.

we’ve had lots of friendship issues with my eldest and come out the other side and here’s my suggestions based on that experience. I’d find out tomorrow from the teacher about the two boys who don’t play football. Does she think they might get along with him - and could she encourage this friendship in the class with group work ect…. If it sound like they could be friends then I’d bite the bullet and ask them to go on a play date - something exciting and a treat like bowling or laser tag. It will help him approach them and build bonds. Definitely encourage out of school friendships- stuff like scouts, Lego clubs, long drama/dance things - stuff where there is lots of opportunities for free play. If you have friends/neighbours his own age try with them. Does he do something that affects him socially - like is he shy? Or bossy - or something tangible that you can coach him out of in a very positive way.

My child wrote it her Head and asked if they could introduce a rota, so different games on different games. It stops football dominating and leaving everyone else stuck at the edge. Do the same, no one ever knew she'd written to the Head, but they clearly agreed there was a problem and implemented a cost free change.

What sort of game does your child like playing with other children, OP? I'm only asking because I went through a long and painful phase of friendless lunches at primary school and, to be honest, most of it came down to the fact that I just didn't like the games that everyone else liked to play, so I was pretty much excluded by default. It sounds a bit like that could be happening here - there are games he could join in with (football or "girly games") but he doesn't want to. Obviously it's completely fine for him to have other tastes, but I think it complicates the issue if there are viable options which he is rejecting.

Please speak to the teacher and if it isn’t sorted go higher. The teacher can get someone who is on playground duty to gently encourage your son to play with some children that aren’t playing football. They can get a couple of other children to “look out for him”- older kids love the responsibility of this. They could get him to “help sort the library out with a couple of children that he chooses”. There are loads of things the school can do. Good luck OP. I’m a class teacher and would be devastated if this was one of our kids.

My son is in year 7 and isn’t sporty, so he has a similar issue. We have tried various things, like me instigating ‘hanging out’ with various boys and their parent, outside of school, or encouraging him to try other interests. I can safely say that none of this works.

the thing we are trying at the moment with our geeky son, is to watch Beckham or learn sporting facts, so that he has conversation fodder. Unfortunately, he and his form tutor both think that as much as we would love to, we can’t make him some friends.

the insight from the upper years is, that he will eventually find his tribe, as he gets older and finds more like minded people. In the meantime, the powerful thing is to focus on stuff, not people. Focus on his interests, join clubs outside of school that feed his interests and allow him to speak to people that are excited about the things he’s into. Focus on reading up or watching or

My son is in year 7 and isn’t sporty, so he has a similar issue. We have tried various things, like me instigating ‘hanging out’ with various boys and their parent, outside of school, or encouraging him to try other interests. I can safely say that none of this works.

the thing we are trying at the moment with our geeky son, is to watch Beckham or learn sporting facts, so that he has conversation fodder. Unfortunately, he and his form tutor both think that as much as we would love to, we can’t make him some friends.

the insight from the upper years is, that he will eventually find his tribe, as he gets older and finds more like minded people. In the meantime, the powerful thing is to focus on stuff, not people. Focus on his interests, join clubs outside of school that feed his interests and allow him to speak to people that are excited about the things he’s into. Focus on reading up or watching or playing or whatever task. Focusing on people, may well lead to a pressure to conform and that may become trouble as the years go on.

to help in the aspect of enjoying school, ask if the school can engage him in a ‘special project’ that he can work on during some (not all) breaks. He could chat to a willing staff member…do some crafting or help the librarian?

it is such a tricky balance between encouraging him to be his own person and look at the fruits of life, but also be somewhat flexible.

i think this is “peak football” age, or it was for my son who also isn’t into football (is into theatre, singing, dancing, computers, card and board games, anime etc). He’s 16 now but I do remember back then around that age it was an issue. He definitely went through a phase at that age of playing mostly with the girls.

Interestingly once he joined in with the girls then several other boys who weren’t super interested in football also joined in with the “girls” group and it became more mixed. They’d play things like elastics, sometimes skipping, and tag in various forms, and some random games they’d make up as a group, I remember one they’d concocted for themselves where they were archaeologists and would have to look for treasure if I remember correctly 🤣🤣

Unfortunately that's not the same everywhere in Scotland. Our HT is in charge of two medium sized schools so only spends half the week with us. We have one full time equivalent DHT who regularly has to take classes and our only PT is in class 4 out of 5 days a week. We really are running on empty.

Maybe he can take in Pokémon cards and play with them at lunchtime. Other Pokémon fans won't be able to resist coming to see what he has! And then they battle with the cards.

This Is very sad to read and I really hope it gets resolved soon. At my sons school they only let them play football certain days of the week, my sons got annoyed as they are heavily in to football but I thought it was great as they get to try other things and play with different people. I can imagine it can be quite intimidating with all these boys tearing round the playground with a ball if you are not involved. I think most schools should do this as it’s benefits them all. Definitely suggest it and maybe encouraging a different sport each lunch time not just football

Get your school librarian involved. We had jigsaws, chess club, Rubik's cube competitions, general help me make stuff (world flags as hunting for world library day), snowflakes, autumn leaves etc from scrap paper. Basically I pretty much let them do whatever they wanted. It was highly popular. And plenty of opportunities for positions of responsibility.
Good luck to your son.