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Original poster

How is a baby impacted by parents fighting

28 replies

Jelllytot · 15/10/2023 21:33

Recently DH and I have been arguing a lot in front of our 6 month old daughter. We're really struggling with communicating with each other but this thread is not to ask for relationship advice. Rather, I'm worried how it is impacting our baby. She seems generally happy. But are we doing lasting damage? I am so scared that it's affecting her.

OP posts:
Gellhell · 15/10/2023 21:35

Yes you are. My parents argued in front of me. It deeply affected me. Please stop or separate. Don't impose this on your child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2023 21:37

How do you think? Badly! It’ll be incredibly stressful for her.

Find better and healthier ways to communicate and stop bringing your innocent baby up in an angry toxic dynamic.

Flyhigher · 15/10/2023 21:42

I argued with my DH in front of Dd and still do at 16. It's not good for them. It's also not easy to fix. I've tried everything. Everything. And we really can't.

If his parents dynamic was to argue. Then it will be yours too. If he's been conditioned to fight. Then he will. And if you don't understand his neuroses then you will trigger him.

Get some serious counselling. Think about finding someone else. Before you are stuck. Xxx

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old 6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families
Original poster
Jelllytot · 15/10/2023 21:43

I am really trying. I've asked DH to do counselling with me but he doesn't want to. I feel like anything I say turns into an argument. I've said I really don't want to have certain conversations with the baby in front of us.

OP posts:
Catsfrontbum · 15/10/2023 21:43

That sounds really tough, but there is help out there for you and your partner to have better communication going forward.
If you go to your locaL council website search “local offer” and then search for any support around “reducing parental conflict” there will be some signposting, resources, maybe even some workshops to help you.

and yes the arguments that your have will be raising the stress hormone in your daughter and leading her to produce too much cortisol which isn’t great.

you need to find a way to stop this and find a new way forward.

Tourmalines · 15/10/2023 21:44

Of course it will impact her . How does anyone feel around 2 people arguing? Uncomfortable at the least,even for adults to hear it. Do it privately if you must .

Divebar2021 · 15/10/2023 21:54

A few years ago I was a trainer in the police teaching police officers and social workers about child abuse. I used to have a lesson on trauma in childhood and the impact of this on brain development. There’s so much scientific evidence to show that fear causes excess cortisol to flood the brain. Excess cortisol can change the way the brain functions and can impact the child into adulthood. This is a quote from one journal

The neural circuits for dealing with stress are particularly malleable (or “plastic”) during the fetal and early childhood periods. Early experi- ences shape how readily these circuits are activated and how well they can be contained and turned off. Toxic stress during this early period can affect developing brain circuits and hormonal systems in a way that leads to poorly controlled stress response systems that will be overly reactive or slow to shut down when faced with threats throughout the lifespan

Zippedydoodahday · 15/10/2023 21:56

Just not arguing in front of her won't solve it though. Children pick up on tension and are particularly attuned to their mother's stress levels and unhappiness.

Original poster
Jelllytot · 15/10/2023 23:12

I have postnatal anxiety and am already so conscious of how my mental health is affecting her. I feel so guilty that this perfect baby is being impacted in such a negative way.

I've shown DH these posts and we've just had a long chat and we're going to look for counselling. He is worried they will tell us were incompatible. We're both on the same page that we would love to make things work, and on good days we're fine but we don't disagree healthily and I feel like some support can help us communicate with each other better. We're both hopeful we can improve.

Thank you for your responses everyone.

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 15/10/2023 23:21

@Jelllytot That’s great that he is willing to work on these issues with you. I hope the counselling helps. Good luck 🍀

bakewellbride · 15/10/2023 23:23

I strongly disagree with the other posters - we argued a lot when dd was a baby and she's the happiest 18m old ever now (we've obviously fixed our relationship and get on great now). Of course try to resolve your issues but please don't worry needlessly about the impact on your little one as they will not remember and are too young to be affected. Everything will be ok op Flowers

WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself · 15/10/2023 23:35

Sadly it doesn’t matter that she won’t remember the specific events or what was said as she will be aware of the atmosphere, and it will become some kind of deep rooted trauma

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2023 23:41

bakewellbride · 15/10/2023 23:23

I strongly disagree with the other posters - we argued a lot when dd was a baby and she's the happiest 18m old ever now (we've obviously fixed our relationship and get on great now). Of course try to resolve your issues but please don't worry needlessly about the impact on your little one as they will not remember and are too young to be affected. Everything will be ok op Flowers

Someone in your position would say that. It’s much more convenient than acknowledging the actual science and research on the topic. Babies and young children can survive all sorts of trauma and seem fine but not be.

OP worrying is the right approach and has prompted her to post and to talk to her husband and stop arguing in front of their small baby and to take steps to improve the environment in their home.

Coyoacan · 16/10/2023 00:51

My dgd was two months old when she held by her father while he was raging. For two weeks afterwards she sounded angry when she cried. Fortunately her parents split up and she had no more experiences like that

111111111a · 16/10/2023 00:57

I'm the child of parents who argued and had an awful relationship both in and out of earshot. Two decades of therapy have taught me my very early and later childhood have had a catastrophic impact on me. I'm trying to work on my stuff but I struggle so much especially in terms of stress, anxiety, conflict, love, and relationships hugely. I'm damaged, but hugely seif aware and yet I can't fix everything and myself. It's really hard and has made me so unhappy.

From birth to toddler are the most formative years.

Glad to hear you're going to work on it. Good luck! I wish my parents had been this thoughtful.

111111111a · 16/10/2023 00:57

bakewellbride · 15/10/2023 23:23

I strongly disagree with the other posters - we argued a lot when dd was a baby and she's the happiest 18m old ever now (we've obviously fixed our relationship and get on great now). Of course try to resolve your issues but please don't worry needlessly about the impact on your little one as they will not remember and are too young to be affected. Everything will be ok op Flowers

Come back in 20 years.

Lavender14 · 16/10/2023 01:00

Your mental health isn't affecting her, pnd is normal after having a baby (even though its still something to get support and help with) and it isn't necessarily something that would make her feel unsafe. But arguing and raised voices and significant stress in the household can raise a baby's cortisol levels. I'd also argue that its bound to be making things harder for your mental wellbeing to recover.

If you feel the relationship is abusive then the best thing you can do for yourself and for your child is to walk away. Do you feel you have the means to do that if you need to?

If you don't feel it's abusive, I'd say that learning how to argue constructively is the best thing you can do as a couple. And early months of having a baby is called being in the trenches for a reason because its tough on a relationship. You're right to suggest counselling. Can you even go yourself? Another option is agreeing a code word, so when things start to get heated one of you says the word and you both need to walk away for an agreed amount of time and then come back to the discussion with cooler heads on. I'd make a considerable effort to never argue in front of your child or in a way that they can see or hear you.

Original poster
Jelllytot · 16/10/2023 01:26

Could I please ask what it was you did that fixed your relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jelllytot · 16/10/2023 01:30

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I am just so upset at how we must have worried our baby today. She seemed generally fine when playing etc but I did notice she stopped and watched me cry for a bit.

I am in general an anxious person and my parents are anxious so I assume this is where I've learned that. But I am terrible when it comes to an argument. DH and I manage to escalate things so drastically.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jelllytot · 16/10/2023 01:33

Thank you for the reassurance about my mental health not affecting her. I did some CBT on the NHS for my MH but I am still quite anxious. I am determined to get over it.

Indeed the hard time with my DH isn't helping my MH. He isn't abusive at all and is generally a very kind man and a doting dad. We are absolutely acrimonious when we argue though. I sometimes wonder if DH has some sort of depression himself but he is not at all introspective and doesn't 'believe in therapy'. But anyway, after tonight's chat he is willing to try.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jelllytot · 16/10/2023 01:34

Jelllytot · 16/10/2023 01:26

Could I please ask what it was you did that fixed your relationship?

Sorry I was meant to quote @111111111a

OP posts:
Original poster
Jelllytot · 16/10/2023 01:36

Lavender14 · 16/10/2023 01:00

Your mental health isn't affecting her, pnd is normal after having a baby (even though its still something to get support and help with) and it isn't necessarily something that would make her feel unsafe. But arguing and raised voices and significant stress in the household can raise a baby's cortisol levels. I'd also argue that its bound to be making things harder for your mental wellbeing to recover.

If you feel the relationship is abusive then the best thing you can do for yourself and for your child is to walk away. Do you feel you have the means to do that if you need to?

If you don't feel it's abusive, I'd say that learning how to argue constructively is the best thing you can do as a couple. And early months of having a baby is called being in the trenches for a reason because its tough on a relationship. You're right to suggest counselling. Can you even go yourself? Another option is agreeing a code word, so when things start to get heated one of you says the word and you both need to walk away for an agreed amount of time and then come back to the discussion with cooler heads on. I'd make a considerable effort to never argue in front of your child or in a way that they can see or hear you.

Sorry I meant to quote you in my above reply.

I said to DH when we feel like it's escalating let's stop and hug for 30secs. We've since had a couple more disagreements and we totally forgot we agreed to do that.

We have also recently moved house and DH has changed career whilst in his 40s so things just feel so tense. My poor baby. I really hope she's been ok with all the stress 😓

OP posts:
Catsfrontbum · 16/10/2023 08:45

for me and my partner although we hardly argue these days when we do no matter what the topic the underlying thing that winds us both up is-

he feels very defensive and he must fix any problems. Takes things too personally and can’t see the big picture

I am too impatient and can see the big picture and am brusque with him.

we know we are like this- no matter the topic- and we need to keep those things in check when we approach contentious issues. so when we start getting like that we have to pause walk away and come back to it.

Gellhell · 16/10/2023 18:27

It's ok to cry and show emotion in front of kids (so long as its not really regular). However it's important to feel you have a safe base to come home to, and arguing in front of a child undermines that sense of safety for them.
I was an angry rebellious teenager and I went out looking for the safety and security (with older boys and men) that I wasn't getting at home. Living in an atmosphere also tells you that your own emotions are not safe so you end up repressing them and becoming a people pleaser. Being around toxic parents that argue literally ruins your sense of self. I got out at 16 and never went back.

SpadeAndBucket · 16/10/2023 18:38

Can you work on talking things through (/arguing if it absolutely has to happen) when your baby is asleep? So just say 'we need to talk about this later?'? You might find that if you have a chance to cool off before discussing problems it might help anyway. It really has to stop though, and you know it which is why you're posting! Very best of luck with it. My friend who is lovely argues with her husband in front of their 2.5year old and always has done and he is the most anxious, clingy child I've ever met in spite of being adored by both parents.