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Original poster

Is anyone else simply too scared to become a parent?!

40 replies

James637 · 11/10/2023 16:02

Hi all,

So I'm a guy turning 35 in a couple of months and currently single. I don't have a problem meeting women but I'm struggling to settle with anyone because the idea of having children scares the shit out of me! The fact it's a lifelong commitment and there's so many uncertainties to it just creates so much anxiety. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and tend to massively overthink decisions but I simply can't get my head around this one. I'm wondering whether anyone has decided to go Childfree just out of pure fear and saw it as a safer route??

I've tried medication for the anxiety but it didn't really work and currently doing therapy but I just see how I'm going to 'get around' this decision in my head. It's making me feel like such a wimp because other people just get on with life and take risks and I can't do that.

Can anyone else relate!??!

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AreYouShittingMe · 12/10/2023 07:09

Are you having CBT for your GAD? Part of the treatment is specifically to learn to tolerate uncertainty. It massively helped me. I too at one point didn't want children due to anxiety. I now have two- still get anxious at times, but nothing like before

Original poster
James637 · 12/10/2023 19:17

Mmhmmn · 11/10/2023 20:43

I think if you’re a person who hasn’t spent much time around babies or children, this is just another factor that your anxieties are feeding on. It won’t always be that way - like you say, some of your friends will have kids soon and if you’re around them a bit, you’ll get used to little people.

Highly anxious people also tend to be highly conscientious which isn’t the worst thing for a parent (!) but yeah you don’t want to be constantly on alert for your own sake so hopefully you’ll be helped to dial that down.

Have you read the Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters?

Yes maybe, but I think the issue is just going to be making a commitment and the uncertainty of how I would feel after the child is born, it's just so unknown!

Yes I have read the Chimp Paradox, it's really good I agree!

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Original poster
James637 · 12/10/2023 19:18

ringmybe11 · 11/10/2023 20:59

There's a book called the happiness trap - it's based on ACT. I too had therapy - counselling, cbt and act for anxiety driven by uncertainty and with a combination of all of the above my anxiety has hugely reduced. I second the recommendation of the chimp paradox book. Try reading this then the happiness trap, over time hopefully the principles will sink in and you'll feel a lot more in control of your thoughts and worries.

Just bought the Happiness Trap for Kindle! Thanks!

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Original poster
James637 · 12/10/2023 19:22

MammaTo · 11/10/2023 21:56

Speaking as someone 10 months into the new baby journey, if I had quite crippling anxiety I think having a baby would shine a flood light on any problems I had pre-baby. At the beginning I questioned everything on case I wasn’t doing something right, if baby was crying 30 mins before his bottle was due I’d be like oh god why’s he crying - when in reality he just wanted his bottle 30 mins earlier. Scrutinising every poopy nappy and how many wet nappies he’s had.

Plus as the male you’d have the pressure of supporting your partner, I didn’t lift a finger for the first 2-3 weeks, my partner done everything and all I had to do was cuddle my newborn - so you’d have to be able to step up to the mark.

HOWEVER - that baby is the biggest joy of our lives and everyone in our families life. If you could work on yourself before having a baby it could be so emotionally rewarding and worth doing th work.

Thanks for the post.
I agree, I think it would be horrendous to be honest. I cannot see myself ever not being severely anxious looking after a baby and having these obsessive thoughts at the same time. You saying it's the biggest joy of your life though is what's giving me anxiety generally as I don't want to miss out on that but at the same time I don't want to realise after the baby is here, I simply can't cope with the anxiety and OCD thoughts. :(

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Original poster
James637 · 12/10/2023 19:23

AreYouShittingMe · 12/10/2023 07:09

Are you having CBT for your GAD? Part of the treatment is specifically to learn to tolerate uncertainty. It massively helped me. I too at one point didn't want children due to anxiety. I now have two- still get anxious at times, but nothing like before

Yes, well ACT therapy!

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Colinfromaccounts · 12/10/2023 19:30

Not doing things just because you’re scared isn’t good. Have kids or don’t have them, but whatever you do don’t do it because of fear.

bigpawsjames · 12/10/2023 19:33

I have GAD but am a woman and so had to do it or risk never doing it - I gave birth at 37. It's like anything that makes you anxious. Work makes me anxious. So does travel. So do aspects of parenting but once baby is here something happens in your brain which tells you you just have to get on with it or make the best of it. And you really love them! But I'd ask you: why not do it AND be anxious? It's ok to be anxious!

PaprikaPlease · 12/10/2023 19:34

If you’re not at least a little scared about becoming a parent then you’re frankly not thinking about it hard enough! I was scared and so was my OH. I probably wasn’t scared enough! It’s life changing.

I also know men who were too freaked out to have kids in their 30s and now have serious regrets. Not saying this will be the case for you but society pressures the hell out of childbearing women while men seem to evade the annoying comments and ‘when are you going to get on with it then’ comments. In a way men are lucky to dodge this stuff but on the other hand society makes it easy to bury your head in the sand until it’s too late. There was an article about this in the Guardian a few weeks ago from a male perspective.

Original poster
James637 · 12/10/2023 19:36

Colinfromaccounts · 12/10/2023 19:30

Not doing things just because you’re scared isn’t good. Have kids or don’t have them, but whatever you do don’t do it because of fear.

It's just not that easy if you have GAD! If I had a normal level of anxiety that would be fine!

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Original poster
James637 · 12/10/2023 19:37

bigpawsjames · 12/10/2023 19:33

I have GAD but am a woman and so had to do it or risk never doing it - I gave birth at 37. It's like anything that makes you anxious. Work makes me anxious. So does travel. So do aspects of parenting but once baby is here something happens in your brain which tells you you just have to get on with it or make the best of it. And you really love them! But I'd ask you: why not do it AND be anxious? It's ok to be anxious!

I get you but my level of anxiety is like panic attacks and waking up being sick in the morning because my stomach is burning so badly. It's not like normal anxiety!

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bigpawsjames · 12/10/2023 19:42

Mine was and is too! I think sometimes the trick is to know you will be anxious about parenthood but it's just part of life! Same way I hate aeroplanes haha. I stress out about my baby's naps for example but it's all the same to GAD!

Original poster
James637 · 12/10/2023 20:02

bigpawsjames · 12/10/2023 19:42

Mine was and is too! I think sometimes the trick is to know you will be anxious about parenthood but it's just part of life! Same way I hate aeroplanes haha. I stress out about my baby's naps for example but it's all the same to GAD!

Like to the level that you used to go to A&E with panic attacks etc?

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bigpawsjames · 12/10/2023 20:08

Still do Blush

Nosleepforthismum · 12/10/2023 20:57

What is it about having kids that makes you anxious? I’ve had my second recently and I remember being terrified before having any kids because I had no friends or family with them and we only ever seemed to hear negative comments about how they ruin your lives. It’s mostly rubbish. The vast majority of people I know love being a parent and babies are generally easygoing and more robust than you think. It’s definitely not A&E level stress.

Nattheblessed · 13/11/2024 20:35

I can relate! The thought terrifies me. I don't particularly like the thought of the whole pregnancy process but it's the parenting forever thing that makes me wonder why so many people have children! I think it's the hardest job in the world and all of your decisions can affect a little person in ways you don't even know until they're older. So scary!

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