Is anyone else simply too scared to become a parent?!

[James637]

Hi all,

So I'm a guy turning 35 in a couple of months and currently single. I don't have a problem meeting women but I'm struggling to settle with anyone because the idea of having children scares the shit out of me! The fact it's a lifelong commitment and there's so many uncertainties to it just creates so much anxiety. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and tend to massively overthink decisions but I simply can't get my head around this one. I'm wondering whether anyone has decided to go Childfree just out of pure fear and saw it as a safer route??

I've tried medication for the anxiety but it didn't really work and currently doing therapy but I just see how I'm going to 'get around' this decision in my head. It's making me feel like such a wimp because other people just get on with life and take risks and I can't do that.

Can anyone else relate!??!

Being a parent is a wonderful experience but it's not for everyone, you think to think about why do you want to become a parent? What are the positives, do these outweigh the negatives or risks? Life is so uncertain, we take risks every day driving etc I would say being a parent is hard and if you aren't sure don't bring a new life into the world

I was. Then hormones got the better of me, and now I have DS.

And I can honestly say, all those worries disappear. I don't worry about costs or commitment or 18 years or the responsibility. Instinct took over on about day 3, and since then, DS is part of me, not a burden I carry around or a risk I take.

It's just different.

Well, you don't have to have a child -- it's not obligatory. If you don't want to, and would like to be in a relationship, find someone else who doesn't want to.

I suppose it depends partly on whether it's something you think you want to do if you were less anxious, or whether you just feel you 'should' want to have a child.

There's a Childfree board on here, also.

I relate OP. But I decided to ignore my anxiety/fear and become a parent. I love my child more than life itself, but parenting is so difficult, it has utterly destroyed my mental health

This is where I'm stuck because I don't know how I would feel without the level of anxiety I have. There's just so many variables I can't quiet my mind and come to a decision.

I'm a man so don't have the hormones guiding me either!

And this! I'm shit scared of my mental health getting worse but at the same time I can't commit to not having children. I'm stuck ruminating back and forth, it's a nightmare to be honest. :(

I remember your numerous posts in various forums. In the kindest possible way, I don't think anyone on here can help you. In fact, I think we are making you worse.

You’re single at the moment so maybe the question of children isn’t one that you need to decide immediately. I’d wait and see, maybe you’ll meet a partner that doesn’t want children and you decide that’s the right path for you, or your partner wants them and you feel secure enough with her to overcome anxieties. I wouldn’t date a woman in her late thirties who is desperate to have a child in your situation, but you can find someone who is undecided as well and see where it goes from there.

This is really good advice for most 'normal' people. Problem is, my mind doesn't work like this. I want to know where my life is going. I know this is impossible and you have to tolerate the uncertainty but I just can't do it. I end up getting physically sick with worry after maybe seeing someone for a month. I'd be worrying about wasting time, if they might change their mind, if they decide they want kids years down the line and I can't take the leap but also love them. It's so f*cking hard!!!

Thanks for the reply though!!!

“I want to know where my life is going.”

I think that’s what you need to work on and it’s good that you’re having therapy. I was/am the same, but life just doesn’t work that way. I found meditation and mindfulness training helpful, and I think that therapy is a step into the right direction!

Maybe go and get to know some friends babies and young children for a year or so. It might allay some of your fears. Also, remember, you wouldn't be parenting alone - do you have friends and family around?

Perhaps it would make you feel better, for now, to decide that you are not going to have children. Then you can relax. You are also safe in the knowledge that men can have children all their lives - unlike women, so you could change your mind in the future if you feel differently.

There are many women that don't want children, nor ever will.

Some are afraid of actually giving birth, some don't want to lose their fun, independent life, some don't want the ethical burden of bringing children into the world that is just a crap constant struggle.

You'll find that woman eventually.
Keep on looking, and good luck.

Oh James, go easier on yourself.

You're going to relinquish the need to manage the unknown.

All I know is that human beings are very resilient and you can survive and thrive and if you don't then try again. Worrying about things is not that productive!

Yes it's so hard isn't it when you seek certainty! I've done 14 sessions of ACT therapy so far and to be honest I don't think it's helping :( It's saying you should try to distance yourself from your thoughts and not get hooked into repetitive thinking.. if only it was this simple!

To be honest, most my friends don't have kids..... yet. I can see it happening a lot more in the next 1-2 years though, so I don't really have much access to kids. Yes I do have family nearby which is helpful. I have tried just deciding I won't have them but then the fear of aging without children scares me for one, among other worries and I just can't settle on that thought. And yes men can have children later but I don't want to be an old dad if I am one :(

I think you are right, but finding them is hard... especially on OLD. It just seems the vast majority want children, as you would expect.

Thank you, I wish I could it would make life so much more enjoyable not having to worry about this sh*t!

You don’t have to have kids and you don’t have to have kids right now. Don’t sweat it. Tell anyone you’re with about your uncertainty so you don’t string anyone along but don’t worry about it.

If you come around to the prospect in future but are still scared, recognise that most people are - and a lot just haven’t thought about it that much before jumping in (particularly because a lot of kids are accidents). Hope the therapy helps with the overthinking generally.

I guess I just feel the ticking clock as I don't want to be an older dad if I am one at all.

And thanks, I hope the therapy will start to help!

I'm saying this with your best interests at heart. You need to control your anxiety and not let it controll you. You really need to find a good professional who has proven form for helping people with your type of anxiety. It must be awful to live with, but hopefully you can get to the stage where you can manage it.

Plan for the future, hope for the best and don't take life too seriously. None of us are getting out alive!

I agree, I just wish I could actually do it! And yes we aren't getting out alive, that's actually one thing that does help to think about! That and the fact we are floating on a rock in the middle of some universe. That genuinely does stop me worrying sometimes!

I think if you’re a person who hasn’t spent much time around babies or children, this is just another factor that your anxieties are feeding on. It won’t always be that way - like you say, some of your friends will have kids soon and if you’re around them a bit, you’ll get used to little people.

Highly anxious people also tend to be highly conscientious which isn’t the worst thing for a parent (!) but yeah you don’t want to be constantly on alert for your own sake so hopefully you’ll be helped to dial that down.

Have you read the Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters?

There's a book called the happiness trap - it's based on ACT. I too had therapy - counselling, cbt and act for anxiety driven by uncertainty and with a combination of all of the above my anxiety has hugely reduced. I second the recommendation of the chimp paradox book. Try reading this then the happiness trap, over time hopefully the principles will sink in and you'll feel a lot more in control of your thoughts and worries.

Speaking as someone 10 months into the new baby journey, if I had quite crippling anxiety I think having a baby would shine a flood light on any problems I had pre-baby. At the beginning I questioned everything on case I wasn’t doing something right, if baby was crying 30 mins before his bottle was due I’d be like oh god why’s he crying - when in reality he just wanted his bottle 30 mins earlier. Scrutinising every poopy nappy and how many wet nappies he’s had.

Plus as the male you’d have the pressure of supporting your partner, I didn’t lift a finger for the first 2-3 weeks, my partner done everything and all I had to do was cuddle my newborn - so you’d have to be able to step up to the mark.

HOWEVER - that baby is the biggest joy of our lives and everyone in our families life. If you could work on yourself before having a baby it could be so emotionally rewarding and worth doing th work.