Is a pantyliner too cruel for ds 8?

[XMissPlacedX]

Me and dh have 4 children, 3 teen girls and one ds who is nearly 8. For years he has had trouble wiping his bum properly and his pants are either always smelling of urine or dirty (poop), or both.

We have tried all sorts, rewards for clean pants, punishments for dirty pants, talking to him etc.. no joy.

One of the girls suffers from water infections (I used to too), and I hate the thought of washing clothes with his pants, I feel like our clothes won't be clean with them all swishing about with urine and poop stained pants.

Would it be cruel/ mad to make him wear a pantyliner? It seems like it could be the answer but dh doesn't like the idea.

I'm genuinely trying to find an answer for this, I'm at the end of my tether.

My first thought was constipation too.

Regardless of whether it is laziness or constipation, I’d start involving him in the washing of his pants.
So bucket with Milton to prepare (with you). Putting pants in the bucket. Emptying the water and putting the dirty pants in the wash etc….

Note: need to be VERY matter of fact. Not shaming or ‘seeing you can’t keep your pants clean’ etc….

Im also assuming he must have a sore bottom too (dc2 who had massive issues with constipation did). Has he ever complained about that?

I'd try to spend time showing him how to wipe himself properly, and telling him that he can't play/watch tv/use the iPad/whatever it is he likes UNTIL he's wiped himself well, after using the toilet. I'd also tell him that if he doesn't stop being lazy and not doing it properly that he'll need to wear nappies (the threat of that might work, although don't do it, obviously)

To answer a few questions:

His bottom never seems to be red or sore strangely enough, he has never complained of it either.

He does eat a lot of fruit, loves oranges and bananas. Could be why he doesn't have a 'clean break'.

I like the idea of involving him in the soaking/ cleaning, that would inconvenience him and maybe he would think ' I get less time playing if I have to help wash them'

Yes sorry I do mean UTI when I say water infection, the gp didn't actually say what it was, just gave me a few tips to try which has seemed to help dd.

I'm not sure about constipation, he goes everyday. But maybe it's worth asking the GP. I do genuinely think it's him being lazy though.

He needs to be checked by a dr if he is soiling his pants at age 8. Just not wiping his bottom properly shouldn’t result in big stains on his paints.

This.

are people really ok with shaming an 8 year old for soiling their underwear 😢

I will take your advise and speak to the gp, may be worth it. It's not full on soiling himself, it just looks as though either he doesn't bother wiping at all in school or it's a massively half arsed effort ( excuse the pun)

Thanks everyone, just thought I would ask the other mumsnetters for their opinions.

I don’t think at 8 he should be cleaning his underwear himself.

@beetr00 don't worry, I absolutely do not and have never shamed him. I'm just trying to work out what I can do to get it sorted.

What do you mean by shaming though?
Is it shaming to teach children to blow their noses and wipe their bums because other people don't want to her snivelling and sniffing or smell you? And you might get sore? And by the way someone has to wash your skanky poo pants? Or teaching how to be a decent person?

Wearing a pantyliner might be shaming though.

@Boomboom22 fair enough, he doesn't know what one is tbh but I get your point. I'm just at the end of my tether that's all.

I use a pantyliner, my nan uses incontinence pads, babies use nappies. I honestly didn't see the issue (until pointed out that he might get bullied in school for it) which I really wouldn't want.

You've been punishing him for dirty pants? How?

@Boomboom22 And by the way someone has to wash your skanky poo pants?

at age 8, ofc

Sounds like you have good solutions already. In the interim, these are on amazon. Looks like other kids have this issue:

https://www.amazon.com/Skiddies-Underwear-Liners-50-Pack/dp/B076QHCLJG/

I've just seen that there are actually a few options out there for toilet training Childrens panty liners: www.madeformums.com/reviews/dry-like-me-toilet-training-pads-review/ I've never seen them before.

Punishing wise: he doesn't get his favourite cereal if he has dirty pants. He still gets a cereal he likes , just not his favourite. Although I suppose that could be classed as more of a reward of having clean pants.

Use water to
Clean your bum . Disgusting

I don't think you should be punishing an 8 year old for dirty pants AT ALL when you haven't even taken him to the doctor to rule out a physical cause such as constipation.

@Abbymom I've just looked myself, never seem them before. Seems that they are a thing.

@immigrant002 any need? We are just trying to have a discussion and people are genuinely trying to help. No need to bring the tone down by calling people disgusting.

Punishing wise: he doesn't get his favourite cereal if he has dirty pants. 😞

Check out the boy haters in this thread eh.

In one post you say you don’t shame him and in the next you talk about withholding favourite cereal - how is that not shaming him?

That's like peeing yourself due to laughter and being denied your fave chocolate. Eh no! Get to the bottom of what's causing the soiling by contacting your GP for your DS's sake. No need to punish him. That's ridiculous.

Indeed. This.