At wit’s end with DD9

[Headexplodeemoji]

DD9 is having violent outbursts. She has about 10 minutes homework, four days a week from school and tries to get through it as quickly as possible. She’s naturally bright but very slap-dash.

We are trying to stretch her a bit ahead of secondary school and have a lovely tutor who friends used for years who sets her extra homework which is a bit tougher. That homework would probably take one hour to do if done efficiently.

Last weekend was almost wrecked as she spent all week dodging the tutor’s homework and then we had Sunday morning left to do it. I waited with her for 45 minutes as she had the papers in front of her and she kept messing around. Moaning she couldn’t do it. Dropping the pencil. Staring out the window.

I had to leave the room and go for a walk before I lost it.

This morning, she knew it had to be done as she chose not to do it yesterday or all week.

She wanted breakfast so I offered cereal, bagel or eggs. She wanted pancakes - nope, not happening. I had also blocked screen time on the iPad.

She has just had a massive meltdown kicking and screaming and lashing out at me, throwing things at me.

When I restrained her - she was kicking me repeatedly - she screamed even more hysterically.

She has just sent abusive messages via the iPad to me - so while the apps are blocked clearly I haven’t blocked messaging.

I expected this when she got to teenage years but not really at 9. She has always been quite turbulent but it’s escalating. Does this sound like we have a)raised an entitled brat, b)a child with SEN or c)something else eg a narcissist? or d) perfectly normal tween behaviour?

I don’t want to quit the tutor as she is perfectly behaved there as she is at school - a model pupil with model behaviour. It’s at home when the misery begins. She also repeatedly pinches and attacks her big brother who is 12 until he has enough and slaps her back and of course, he then gets into trouble as I will not tolerate any boy hitting a girl and I often haven’t realised that she started it as I may not be in the room.

Letting her quit the tutor will simply feed into the idea that she will always get her way. Plus she frankly needs the practice and discipline of sometimes doing difficult things she may not like to do.

What do you do in the moment to calm a child like this? It is taking every inch of self restraint I have in my own hormonal peri-menopausal state - not to mention my own DV childhood - to not lash out so I’ve left the room!

I’m just so damn tired. I don’t expect gratitude but nor do I expect total disdain and abuse.

I agree, over an hour's worth of homework is a lot for a 9 year old, especially after 6 hours of school.

Maybe the tutor could set the more difficult homework, but maybe only 15 mins of it?

A tutor at 9?! Let her be a kid. 😔

No, it's not a London thing. We do understand.

But why don't you want your children at a grammar school? Don't they have lots of extra-curricular activities, sports and music too?

@Jellycats4life Maybe it’s like when they were toddlers, and you just have to explain calmly why you’re doing it, model the same behaviour, and ride through the “tantrum” (I don’t like that word for various reasons)? They still have such undeveloped brains in many ways as teens, and we just have to gently put boundaries in - so if a phone has to be there as an alarm clock, I’ve just given my DD an alarm clock. Is your DD old enough to read about Silicon Valley tech bosses keeping smartphones away from their own children?

As I say, every child is different and they have different needs, but I think for a lot of us we make a rod for our own backs by taking this quick and simple option, especially for ND people with dopamine and reward systems that are ripe for smartphone addictions.

Do not give your daughter the message that she can start abusing her brother but he cannot hit back because she is a girl. You do know it is her. She does seem to be a spoiled brat

Sorry @jenpil i didn’t mean to come across as condescending. We are outside any grammar zones and need to score in the top 2% to get in (which mine won’t). Grammars are fine but the ones that are within commuting distance are too hothousy and very strict. My friend had a DC at one. She has seen both schools up close and prefers the independent for teaching, pastoral care and extra curricular activities but not the costs obviously.

Friends outside London think the system here is insane: parents lining up to pay over 20k year to a day school AND the kids have to score increasingly high marks to get in and have to continue to score high marks to stay at certain points. I was sure during the cost of living crisis and pandemic people would desert London fee paying schools but the opposite has happened.

@Headexplodeemoji DS was like this and it turned out he had adhd and the violent outbursts were only due to him being physically unable to focus and do the work; me pushing didn’t help

Diagnosis and medication sorted this but…. I also stopped pushing . kids will kick shout hit etc , if you react to the point you have to go out and take a break she ll react worse

you really really really need to bring the “sweet” out of you, calm her down, and make it look like fun rather than crap ; also aim for half hour rather than one

We went through 11+ last year (SW London) and if I hadn’t done the above we would never survive

good luck

It's alright, you didn't come across as condescending at all.

I was curious as to how the school system is where you are and why grammar wouldn't be right for them.

Thank you for clarifying. 👍