Highly sensitive child?

[Hey12345]

Hi, does anyone have any experience of a highly sensitive child? And if so, tips please on what to do.

My 5yo DD clearly seems to “fit the bill” for highly sensitive child. Examples:

1. gets so upset if something of hers breaks. Another girl at school once broke the keyring on her bag and she was SO upset.
2. completely panics if she can’t find something, usually something she was only seconds ago so I try and reassure that it’s not too far.
3. is really affected if she does something wrong with her school work (such as writing a letter wrong), even if we calmly say it’s wrong and to just practice again she still gets very upset.
4. She’s very shy if there is a crowd, like there was a book fair at school once and she wouldn’t pass other children to get a book she wanted because she doesn’t like to squeeze in between people. Tends to fall back and go last if queuing for something and other kids are pushing in.

this morning she had a meltdown because we were running late for ballet (I warned her several times we would be late when she was taking her time with breakfast), so when it got to 15mins before class, and we still needed to brush her teeth and do her hair and drive to ballet I said there was no point going because we’ll be late, so she had the biggest meltdown (which obviously made us even more late).

If she does lose something I’m so calm and it say “think where you had it last”, or others words of encouragement but she’ll just panic and cry.

I gentle parent as much as possible. I know how damaging words can be, for example telling them to stop crying, not to be so dramatic etc. because I experienced all that myself at a young age, so I don’t use tactics like that, neither does DH, and anyway, if we did it wouldn’t help anything because it would just make things x10 worse.

So what do I do? I really struggle at times because it upsets me too. I feel like I’m trying to do everything right, but it seems like I’m doing wrong. There’s not much point contacting the school because unfortunately they have a bad rep these days and don’t seem to help out as much. I am hoping my DD will agree to change school in the next few months since we are moving to a different area soon. I know of someone who has a DD the same age as mine that goes to school where are new house is so I got in touch and have arranged s play date when we move so I’m hoping that will help DD in changing school and by what I hear of the other school they are very supportive, and have smaller classes.

Otherwise what else can I do? Shall I wait until she’s older to arrange counselling? What can I do at home in the mean time to make things easier for us all?

Sorry for the long post!!!

Don't worry there are at least a couple of things you can do.

She loves Ballet but doesn't like being late. My DS was the same with activities so we had to make sure we were all up and early for the activity. He was much happier if we were early than late.

Has she got a copy of The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes? That might be a way for her to learn that it is entirely ok to make mistakes and everyone does.

How long did her meltdown last for this morning?

M Y eldest is very sensitive. Always had been - used to cry for ages if another todsler bumped her when she was a year old.

We haven't been able to stop meltdowns happening (she's 7 now) but we have strategies for making them much shorter and her school seem content with how things are progressing. Breathing exercises were very helpful to us - blowing out each finger like a candle calms her very quickly. A quick change of scene also works - just taking her to another room. This is the main strategy they use at school when needed. Grounding is also good - when she feels she is looking control we ask her to think of 3 things she can see, two she can hear and one she can feel.

Any signs of ND? Dd has mild autism, so it's usually change/the unexpected that triggers her.

You can't change your child's personality, but you can teach them strategies for managing better.

I had one like this. She is now 11 and waiting to be assessed for ASD.

I much admit that my "sensitive" child is being assessed for ASD.

Hi OP - I was very like this as a child and was diagnosed with autism and RSD as an adult.

We were going on holiday today and I misplaced something (which my head was telling me not to panic about) but I was panic-stricken. Luckily DH knew that I wouldn't leave the house without it and he managed to find it.

We might still be at home, looking for it, if DH hadn't found it.
Mind you, there was a landslide just up the road from us (rural Scotland) and the police closed the road, so we had to turn back anyway.

I have a son like this but now at 11 it’s a lot less but he seems to talk himself out of being upset by coming to us and chatting about it rationally- eg I’m sad because x. There’s some great courses and articles online about sensitive children- in Ireland there’s triple p who have loads of information on working through issues. I’d also check in regularly with the teacher. Best of luck op

Yes! This sounds very much like DD, who is also 5. She is also hyper alert to her surroundings, hugely conscientious, obsessively keeps track of all her stuff (we laugh at all the ‘We have Jonny’s jumper here’ messages on our class WhatsApp as DD has literally never lost anything), dislikes chaos/crowds/loud noises, and is very tuned into the world around her (knows exactly what all her teachers and classmates are doing, and reports home on everything; very inquisitive and interested in current affairs and asks to watch Newsround etc).

The main issue we are having with things at the moment is that she is able to find little common ground with peers her own age, and is quite isolated in her current class. She wants to have friends, but hates rough and tumble and gravitates to children 2-3 years older than her because they’re generally calmer and more mature. She’s also very verbally articulate and enjoys jokes/word play/banter, which she struggles to get from the children in her class. She has always been like this - even in early toddlerhood she would seek out older kids in the soft play etc - so we are quite accepting of it now really.

Oddly she is very confident in certain situations - she’s great with adults, always puts herself forward for school activities, is happy to talk or perform in front of others and happily goes off to holiday clubs or extra curricular activities on her own. But in other situations, especially those that are crowded, chaotic or noisy, she is very easily overwhelmed, and she also seems to pick up on other people’s ‘vibes’, so becomes upset if she hears negative stories in the news or thinks someone else might be sad or hurt.

I’ve posted about this on here before and it is always suggested that DD may have ASD/ND traits, but having some professional knowledge of this area I genuinely don’t think she does.

OP, I’d be a little cautious about labelling your daughter. 5 is very little still, and none of them have great emotional regulation skills at that age.

She could be a bit neurotic, like lots of us. She could have ASD. She might be different in a couple of years.

My DD, who is now 7, is quite like this. To be completely honest, and I’m sure I’ll get told off for saying this, being less gentle has been enormously beneficial for her.

We still recognise and validate her emotions but we’re much firmer now with boundaries and a good bit more businesslike and brisk when she’s having a meltdown.

It sounds strange to say, but it’s had a major impact on how well she can self-regulate. Something to think about.

And I’m not sure why you’re seeking her agreement to change school. You’re moving house. She has to change school. You’ll support her through that transition. That’s pretty much it, no?

Yet a lot of what you say about your daughter fits the ASD profile very well indeed.

I recognise myself in your DD - especially the not having common ground with her peers bit. Also, seeking out adults for conversation - I did that.

..........becomes upset if she hears negative stories in the news or thinks someone else might be sad or hurt

I was like this as a child and am even more so now I'm an adult.

I am hoping my DD will agree to change school in the next few months since we are moving to a different area soon

OP, you're the parent. You decide this, not your daughter.

What would your plan be if she decided that she was not going to agree to change school?

By giving her a "choice" in the school move your setting her up to fail realistically your moving she has zero control over this fact I'm all for choices but she doesn't have one here

I'm exactly the same @TheShellBeach. Always sought out adults and older DC and had trouble fitting in with my peers although I do have a nice group of friends.

Never really have the news on as I find it overwhelming.

Both of my DC are ND and I'm considering asking for assessment for myself.

I'm the same with the News.

Three of my four DC are autistic.

This is a good thread for ND women (or women who suspect they are ND)

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2?page=1

@TheShellBeach OK, I do accept that it’s possible that this may be the case and DD may turn out to be ND. But then, by that definition it’s also likely that both DP and myself, who were both very similar to DD as children, also have ASD, and so do the many similarly thoughtful, sensitive, slightly quirky, high attaining kids I’ve worked with as a teacher over the years. I just don’t get what the point of labelling and pathologising these traits is, where (as DD is) the child/adult is otherwise high functioning and coping well with most aspects of mainstream life.

DD isn’t sad or refusing to go to school - she loves school, her teachers and learning, is happy at home and enjoys all her extra curricular activities. She finds activities that most ‘normal kids’ enjoy, like whole class birthday parties and soft plays, pretty stressful, but either needs to develop her own coping strategies for these scenarios or avoid them altogether (given that none of them are compulsory). Even in the event of an ASD diagnosis, she is academically top of her class and the school is unlikely to do anything extra to cater for her, given that resources are stretched to the bone and several children in her class have severe ASD, toileting needs and are non-verbal - given the level of need she won’t figure on their radar at all.

Not saying you’re wrong at all, or denying your own experience, but I just don’t see the utility of attaching a label to something where the outcome of doing so won’t make any meaningful difference.

I also agree with the ‘choice’ issue raised by @Theunamedcat and @TheShellBeach. We are also thinking about moving (home and school) within the next couple of years and DD will no doubt be upset by this but at 5 this is not something she can have genuine control over, and she just needs to see and accept that DP and I have thought carefully and taken this decision on her behalf and in her best interests.

Not saying you’re wrong at all, or denying your own experience, but I just don’t see the utility of attaching a label to something where the outcome of doing so won’t make any meaningful difference

The diagnosis has made a huge difference to me, though - even though I did not receive it until I was into my sixth decade.

It has made sense of my whole life - I had wondered (with very great sadness) why some people really disliked me and avoided me. I had wondered why I always felt the "odd-person-out" and why I couldn't cope with things like odd numbers, yet could easily remember bank account/debit card numbers off by heart - several of them, including ones I no longer use.

Something felt wrong. Looking back, I can now see that the people with whom I got on best were the slightly quirky ones like me.

Yes, the diagnosis validated things for me and gave me an immeasurable feeling of peace.

I cannot overstate how much relief I felt to be diagnosed, actually.

I kept thinking "Oh, so that's why I did X and Y or felt A and B" - it was liberating, and a feeling I cannot readily explain - but it filled me with joy.

@TheShellBeach Really pleased you got your diagnosis and that it made a difference for you. Maybe it’s something we’ll revisit in future with DD, but for the time being I don’t see that labelling her as ‘different’ for not liking noise/crowds/soft play would be of any practical use to her. I admit I do struggle a little with the current rush to label anyone who is slightly sensitive/quirky/cerebral/non-mainstream as ND - on
that basis I, DP and at least a third of my old grammar school’s intake would have been diagnosed with something, but all of us have found our niche and are functioning perfectly well in adulthood.

DD is also an only child with no local cousins, and due to circumstances doesn’t get to spend a huge amount of casual downtime with other kids. Despite our best efforts with clubs, child-centred activities and play dates her weekends and holidays are inevitably spent largely with adults, and this does seem to have made her a bit old for her years. So it’s very difficult to pin down the extent to which her temperament is a nature/nurture thing and I think she/we need time to work it all out.

Anyway, I don’t mean to hijack OP’s thread so I’ll duck out for now.

..................but all of us have found our niche and are functioning perfectly well in adulthood

I know you said you were ducking out now, but how do you know that all of you are functioning perfectly well in adulthood? Emotionally?

I was in denial when my DS's nursery first raised concerns and wanted to involve SEN services, I told them he was just highly sensitive and I didn't want him 'labelled '. They explained it wasn't about labelling, it was to help identify areas where he needed extra support. That's always stayed with me and he was subsequently diagnosed autistic, I'm grateful to the nursery for starting the diagnosis pathway as early as they did.

It's very difficult to come to terms with at the beginning but if they are autistic, diagnosis really is a way of helping and supporting your child. If they are not autistic they won't be diagnosed.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto

thanks for the recommendation, I’ll definitely look into. Might be a better way for her to learn that mistakes happen and it’s fine, I try to tell her often but sometimes it’s better for them to hear it from something else than just Mum and Dad.

@TinyTeacher

that’s a good strategy, thanks. I used that for myself when I had bad anxiety whilst pregnant with my youngest. Will definitely use this in future. I also wondered about autism, she could have slight autism to be honest, but otherwise she’s fine, mixes well with other kids and adults. Met all of her milestones. But there’s always a possibility of mild autism isn’t there.

@TempsPerdu it’s like we’re describing the same child!! My DD is exactly the same. Although she does have 3 very close friends her age, however, she is the complete opposite of them. They like rough and tumble, DD certainly does not! She’s so in tune with what’s going on. Same with being articulate, she’s been able to speak 2 languages (Welsh and English) so well from such a young age. If there’s a word she hears me say and she doesn’t know it, she’ll ask. And I was very surprised, but so proud when she came home with 2 awards (2nd and 3rd) for singing solo and for reading a script in front of her class! How she is at times, I didn’t expect it, because she seems shy when she’s in a big crowd, but obviously she’s comfortable enough in her class.

Have you found any strategies that work best with your DD? There’s some good advice here that I’ll definitely try.

All the best with your DD 😊

What would your plan be if she decided that she was not going to agree to change school?

The reason I say it’s up to her is because it really isn’t an issue if she wants to stay in her current school. DH will be passing her current school daily to go to work so it’s just a matter of him dropping her off in the morning. DH can finish work for school pick up and finish off his working day at home. Or his parents live up the road from the school and they could pick her up until he finishes (if he has to stay later), as they are retired and do the school pick up occasionally anyway.

Obviously I’m going to try and persuade her to change as there’s a bus that will pick her up for the new school. And hopefully by me setting up play dates with a girl that goes there this will help her make friends before she starts there. Although I am slightly worried as the new school is very rural and there’s only 6 pupils in her year!!