Going from 1 child to 2 when eldest is more independent… to start again? Do you lose your “me” time?

[Cyeo123]

May sound selfish but sometimes I need a breather and we occasionally ask family to babysit our toddler so we can enjoy a long walk. Thinking this may be harder with 2. Just starting to feel like we are “getting our lives back” a bit as toddler has started pre-school and is much more independent. I’ve heard “one child fits into your life, two children become your life”… wondering if this is the case if there’s a biggish gap? To do it all again or not….

Free play in the neighbour hood with mates has pretty much disappeared for most kids. Instead the di ‘activities’. Two kids means double the number of evenings taken up taking them to these. So yes, it will cut into me time.

Do you have lots of support though? Single parents I know with no support, or very little, have pretty much no me time, or absolutely none.

Yes I would imagine it will definitely affect your time.

This is why we stopped at one. No regrets at all!

@Broccoliforever how much ‘me time’ did you have when they were toddlers?

We have two children and don't have any family support. I started being able to get 'me' time properly when the youngest was about 3-4. We get very little time as a couple. We go to breakfast about once a fortnight after the kids have gone to school. Our biggest barrier to time together is lack of annual leave so can't take a day off together when they're at school as it's needed in the holidays.

If you have people who will do childcare you'll get it though.

Yes. It will cut into your "me time". I'm sure you remember the baby/toddler days. But the second time round you also have an older one that needs to tell you about their day/read to you/have help with their homework. Yes, they play together so sometimes you are less needed for entertainment. But she they are little the does NOT balance out the extra demands on your time. I imagine it does as they get older, but then you may have hobbies to juggle.

I'm not saying don't do it. We have DC4 on the way. But having more than one child means that (at least when they are little) they dominate your time. I've just done school run and the younger two are happily painting. But it's not exactly "me time" as they have to be watched...

Getting a baby sitter is harder for more than one child. My parents will take all 3 for parents evenings/INSED days. But that ddoesnt give us couple time.

I have 2 - a 3 yo and a 3 month old. ‘Me time’ is once again completely gone, but that’s part and parcel of having an EBF newborn I suppose. My SIL has a 5 yo and an 8yo and she’s back to being able to do stuff for herself, albeit it takes more planning. Her kids don’t have after school activities every night for example and one weekend day is spent doing very little. Her and her husband struggle to do lots as a couple because one is inevitably looking after the kids.

So yes, having 2 initially does regress you right back to no free time, but that’s more due to the all encompassing nature of babies. 2 older children doesn’t haven to = no free time, but you have to be strict with your time to manage it.

Why not go for a bigger age gap - wait until the eldest is at school, then you won't be juggling two during the day, and are more likely to get some down time and offers of help.

Yes it definitely affects your time and becomes your life more. But if you have them close enough together you may also get play mates which will give you lots of time whilst they play together (in my experience, no guarantees or course!). We’ve got three now so very little me time, but we decided we weren’t so bothered about that when going for no.3.

Thanks everyone. My best friends just had her second and just sent me an image of her and her eldest giving the baby a bottle and now I’m a blubbering mess. Who wants me time anyway!!

Yes in my experience - my second was twins - ex husband couldn't cope with the whole children becoming your life and left within the year

But I wouldn't change anything and would do it all again tomorrow

We have a bigger age gap- 6 years and it has been TOUGH going back to the start. Youngest is 1 now so still little really, and it has only started to feel easier the past month or so. But I am still BF and baby has gone through major separation anxiety. We've no family close by but do have amazing friends that we could ask to babysit (and have on a couple of occasions) and that makes the difference. If you have hands-on family locally I can imagine that makes everything so much easier!

@thelonemommabear oh I’m sorry. What was he like with having just the one? This is a worry that it all could get too much.

Yes it's true that once you have 2 or more children they do become your life, and you have very little "me time" (unless you have a lot of help). However, what is easy to forget/not realise when they are babies and toddlers is that this stage is only temporary!

I have 4 children. Oldest is nearly 12, youngest is nearly 5. The last decade has been very intense (in my case, I enjoyed that and wanted it as part of the deal of having a big family). But this year I have suddenly found myself with so much extra time - whilst they still need plenty of input, it really isn't the hard graft anymore now that they are all past the toddler stage.

7 year age gap between mine so oldest was getting quite independent and I had lots of me time and then suddenly none, but it was easier to cope with second time around somehow, I guess because I had already experienced it, plus now I had a child old enough to watch the baby for a minute while I had a shower or whatever. Now they're 5 and 12 and I have time to myself again.

I have a 6 year gap between my 2.

When I just had one is was easy to find someone to babysit or have her for a sleepover. We had lots of me and couple time, including weekends away. We also did some great stuff as a family.

When I had DC2 - well put it this way, we haven't been away as a couple once, not even overnight. No one wants to look after 2 children for any length of time! Also DC2 was a lot different than DC1, a lot more difficult, which really curtailed the sort of activities we could do as a family. Also finding activities they both enjoyed was hard because of the age gap.

I dont regret having DC2 and it does get easier eventually. DC1 is now old enough to babysit DC2 so we have a babysitter on tap (she charges us though!).

I have a 5yo and 1yo. I don't get much "me" time but that's partly out of choice - I'm not keen on using babysitters as I like to be the one to put them to bed, and be there in case DC2 wakes. As a family we tend to do everything together at weekends - some families like the adults to have some alone time while one parent takes both dc.
I'll be working part time just 1-2 days when DC2 goes to preschool so I'll have my "me" time when she is in preschool and then school. I get a bit of alone time when dcs are in bed, but DC2 doesn't sleep through so it's unpredictable. If we'd stopped at one I'd have most of DC1's days at school to myself, so I've lost that while DC2 is at home with me. But I suppose many parents might return to work ft so they wouldn't have that time at all.

I’m sure you do! We’re TTC no.1 and want to stick at one for pretty much every reason we can think of- finances, energy, time for ourselves and each other, opportunities, experiences, being able to continue to work.

The thing that makes me doubt, is them having no close relatives of similar age. Then I think we’ll need at least 2.

Babies and toddlers will always dominate your time, and your life, that's a given. The question you need to ask yourself is do you actually want more than 1 child? I have friends with 1 who wouldn't have it any other way, but I also have friends with 4+ who feel the same!
We have 2 children with a 3 year age gap. Eldest is now in secondary school and becoming very independent, has own door key etc. Me time is now alot more available for both of us.

Can deffo agree with this! 17m gap here and any time off work I had was wrangling two toddlers and it was so stressful. To try and have our own kind of lives between me and my DH, meant at weekends we would sometimes see friends so would be on our own again.
Eldest DD just started school and the shift is amazing - my hours have changed at work and I only have one DD on my days off (for a year til she goes then going to have a whole day off a week to myself; which I have blinking earned!!!)

I have an 8.5 year age gap between my first two, definitely lost me time when the second came along, and I was very used to it by then. Things had gotten much easier with my eldest. Now I’m currently having me time again, youngest is at school (just) and I’m pregnant, will be 14, 5 and newborn. And it’s quite hard tbh, dealing with a teenager with all the tribulations of being pregnant and a reception starter aswell. The teen needs a lot from me. I think people forget that, they need you the same amount when they get older it’s just different. I’m not feeding in the night for him, but I do have to be there for chats and homework and revision and lifts pretty much all hours 😂

You'd be alright with another one if DC1 is going to pre-school. You'll be surprised how much more chilled out you are with no2 in the baby stage. The need for 'me time' doesn't actually feel so desperate.