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Parenting

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Original poster

Any experiences to share of your child having a favourite parent (and it ain't you)?

33 replies

Nonicknamesleft · 06/03/2008 00:28

I am trying to be mature about this but finding myself increasingly upset at the difference in attitude that my 19 month old daughter exhibits towards her daddy and me. He is her main carer, looking after her for half the working week, along with a childminder, while I work full time (not through choice).

Her preference for him is evident to the point where she hardly allows me to pick her up. She certainly won't entertain the idea of me reading as story to her, for example, if he is in the room (and therefore in her eyes, available). This preference has been particularly apparent during the last few days, during which she's been ill. All she wants is daddy, and responds to me with screaming and crying and trying to get away, calling for him. Unless, that is, he isn't around, in which case she bleats after him a bit but basically seems to accept that I'm the only parent on offer.

It's so hurtful. I am the best mummy I can be in the time I have with her but to be honest, it seems as though I might as well not exist. I can understand her having a greater attachment to my husband because she sees that much more of him, but I don't see my friends' children exhibiting the same sort of behaviour towards their fathers. On the contrary, they seem positively delighted when daddy gets home from work.

It's bad enough having to go out and leave her all day, every day. Our current financial situation/earning potential dictates that this is the way we have to live at the moment, but I feel as though I am being doubly punished. As I said at the beginning of this post, I'm really trying to be rational about it but I really can't stand another situation in which my little girl is fighting her way out of my arms and crying for her dad. I don't expect her gratitude fot the fact that I'm always the one who gets out of bed at night to see to her when she needs it, and always the one who wakes up if anything is wrong, who makes sure there are clean clothes, clean nappies, warm milk to drink and bottles of calpol on standby - etc, etc, etc - but it would be nice to mean a bit more to her than just some horrible alternative to daddy, who will do only if he isn't in the house.

Anyone else out there been through this?

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BoysOnToast · 06/03/2008 00:39

ouch, i really sympathise.
my dc are often a lot like this with their dad, since i am with them much more than he, and i can see it hurts.
i hope it improves for you soon

Joolyjoolyjoo · 06/03/2008 00:46

I'm having the opposite with our 4 yr old- DH is in the navy and has been away a lot over the last year, and she just wants me, and won't let him in. It really upsets me, and I can understand it must upset him too. Bear in mind that kids are very changeable, so switch their affections very easily, depending on who has said no to them most recently!! See if there any jobs you could take over. I stopped doing the baths and put DH up there instead (nothing to do with me having moretime to watch soaps, hehe!)I also try to make sure that I don't automatically take control. My dd will ask daddy and then check with me! So important to reinforce that if daddy says xxxx then that's what goes. Does your DH take a back seat when you come home? Maybe you could do a story, in a special way? Whatever happens, rest assured that she will hate you both equally when she is a teenager!

seeker · 06/03/2008 05:25

I'm a sahm, and my ds has preferred his father from about 11 months! He's 7 now, and a few days ago, he was cuddled up on my lap (he's a very soppy 7) and said "Oh, mummy, I love you so much - but daddy - daddy's special"

I find it hard too - but at the same time I love watching them together. It's brought out the best is dp, and it's nice to know I can go out and ds will be happy. My dd would still rather I stayed with her at all times and she's 12 - she was and is a really mummy's girl. It's very wearing to be the parent of choice!

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jekyllandhyde · 06/03/2008 11:05

my dd is younger (10 mo) but also goes through periods where daddy is clearly the favourite parent, even though i am her primary carer! it does hurt and is hard at the time, but i definitely think it's worth trying to take it with a pinch of salt, as it could easily change over time. i think one of the reasons that my dd prefers her dad sometimes is that he generally does less of the boring things, and does more playing, making her giggle etc. and obviously as a little one, that is bound to be more interesting than boring old mum wiping her nose, changing her nappy, getting up in the middle of the night etc. i am definitely learning to grow thicker skin since being a parent, i think i'll need it!

OrmIrian · 06/03/2008 11:17

I was the favourites of all 3 of mine when there were that sort of age - mainly I think because I was with them more and I bf all of them for a long time. But it wasn't that noticeable. But as they have got older I would say it's about equal but it definitely goes in phases - there are times when one or other of them can hardly be bothered to give me the time of day, ditto for DH - with my eldest dad is favourite for some things, mum for others.

Original poster

Nonicknamesleft · 09/03/2008 14:35

Thank you for all your soothing words. Just trying to keep some perspective, and I do take the point that it could be exhausting to be the favourite. But I find it upsetting that my daughter appears at times almost scared of me touching her which is really worrying. I have never, ever, ever done anything to hurt her and I am no more or less strict than her dad is, so just can't understand why I freak her out so much. Do I smell bad?!

OP posts:

RubyRioja · 09/03/2008 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IndigoMoon · 09/03/2008 14:45

no advice but i am the primary carer for dd (5) and ds(1) and both much prefer daddy to me.

i make the most of it though, like last night we went out and ds wanted to spend the majority of his time with daddy and who am i to argue ;)

it can be hurtful especially when i do soooooo much for them both and daddy just has to sit on a sofa, hang them upside down, tickle them and its a done deal.

FranSanDisco · 09/03/2008 14:53

I remember a holiday to the algarve 2 yrs ago where I ended up in tears by the end of the 1st week because my children didn't love me They wanted to sleep with daddy in the double bed. The wanted to sit next to daddy at the restaurant. SOme nights it was 3 squashed on one bench and billy no mates on the opposite side. They wanted to sit with daddy on the plane - cue tears if they had to sit with me. I am the main carer - routine and boundaries and daddy is fun, fun, fun. It has gotten better and I feel a fool for getting so upset. Dh was saying to them "mummy is feeling very sad so you need to be nice to her". FGS they were 3 yo and 5 yo

RubyRioja · 09/03/2008 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FranSanDisco · 09/03/2008 14:55

Can I just say I now take advantage of Mr Popular and have read many a novel on a sunny beach whilst daddy builds sun castles and becomes moody. Now, now Mr Popular no need for getting huffy - pmsl

RubyRioja · 09/03/2008 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FranSanDisco · 09/03/2008 14:58

Oh yes me too. They need the bonding time

throckenholt · 09/03/2008 15:00

I have 3 kids - DS1 has always had his dad as a firm favourite - now at 6.5 he is still favourite but I am beginning to get a look in.

DS3 - however seems to think the sun shines out of me - and is currently sitting beside me wearing my tights and bra and nightdress and talking incessantly.

Of the two the first is much easier to deal with - I find the constant attention and attention seeking from no3 much more exhausting.

Overrun · 09/03/2008 15:02

I can see that this is hurtful for you, what parent wouldn't inwardly wince at such obvious preference?
However, I hope the thread will alleviate your concerns about it being entirely to do with you being the full time worker in your family.
I think some girls are like this with their Dads, and conversely some boys have a marked preference for their mums. I think this does even out when they get older though
My sil has this with her dd, who is a complete daddies girl who wont even look at any famiy members when her Dad is around.

The only thing I can think to offer as advice is: does your dh pander to her favouritism in any way? Are you the parent who has to discipline, he is soft with her for want of a better description.
If this is the case, maybe you could discuss between the two of you your parental roles and try and alter things a bit. So you don't end up having to be the bad cop?

JetPeanut · 09/03/2008 15:02

Sympathies from me too. Our arrangements mean we have a very even split of working & caring for DD, so we don't really have a "prime carer"... well actually, no, it probably is me, as I do most of the stuff for her when we're all together at weekends... ANYWAY, we find that she is very changeable on who is the favourite parent. One day it's me, and the next it's daddy. She 's only 2! It hurts though, when she insists on a story read by daddy. You just have to grit your teeth and remember they are only little. One day you can remind her of all this and make her feel reaaaaally bad. (When she is all grown up, and knows that mummy is best).

throckenholt · 09/03/2008 15:05

oh and my 3 fight over who gets to sit next the DH at tea - never have I heard them fight over sitting next to me

ALMummy · 09/03/2008 15:37

At least none of you have a DS who tells you he "loves Grandma best"

I too have the opposite with DD (18 months) she wont let DH pick her up or kiss her, wont even look at him most of the time. Yesterday they had a good day and she cuddled him and ran to him when he got up but this morning she is right back to being the ice queen again. It makes me quite sad because he tries so hard with her and is gutted when she rejects him yet again. I would hate it if it were me. I hope my kids love me the best forever .

throckenholt · 09/03/2008 15:55

actually my DS3 - sat down with me the other day and listed who he liked best - mummy I love you best of all, hmm - no I don't I love nanny more, hmm, nanny, then granny, then you .....

I quite like nanny or granny visiting - it takes some of the pressure off me !

Starstarstar · 09/03/2008 16:11

Two out of three of mine were like this at 19 months with DH.

The first time I was slightly miffed, by the second very pleased - certainly took the pressure off me.

And I comforted myself with the thought that it was far, far preferable that they had a lovely daddy who they had a brilliant relationship with, than to have a disinterested father.

catzy · 09/03/2008 16:24

My DS used to prefer me and it really got to my DH. Like Jooly my DH is in the Navy so disappears for long periods so the cicumstances are different. What really got to my DH is that I would take over. EG. If I was busy doing something and my Ds was crying for me I would take him off my DH to comfort him. Sticking my beak in where ever possible, not because I didn't trust DH just that I was used to doing it on my own so much. I used to give my DH space to spend time alone with DS and this made a big difference.

Your DH may not be the same as me but ask him to give you some space for quality time, doesn't have to be long. Like you said when he is not around DD accepts you more. Even if it's just for story time. If she learns that it's you or no story she will start to except it.

Don't know if this will help you but just thought I'd let you know my experience.

Working together has totally changed my DH & DS relationship and whilst he'll usually turn to me for comfort if he hurts himself (DS not DH )he's more likely to turn to either of us for the fun things like stories. Especially as my DH is better at telling them with funny voices ect.

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/03/2008 17:29

My DD was like that too at that age. Now she's 12 and thinks her dad is, like " OMG so embarrasing!"...

How the mighty fall, mwa ha ha!

Sarahjct · 09/03/2008 19:52

I'm glad I'm not the only one but sorry others feel like this. My dd is only 8 weeks and she hates the sight of me. Nothing I can do makes her happy, she spends her waking hours crying when I have her, yet when daddy does the same things she giggles and grins like anything. I know she's only tiny but she obviously has a gut feeling about me.

pruners · 09/03/2008 20:00

Message withdrawn

pruners · 09/03/2008 20:01

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