Any experiences to share of your child having a favourite parent (and it ain't you)?

[Nonicknamesleft]

I am trying to be mature about this but finding myself increasingly upset at the difference in attitude that my 19 month old daughter exhibits towards her daddy and me. He is her main carer, looking after her for half the working week, along with a childminder, while I work full time (not through choice).

Her preference for him is evident to the point where she hardly allows me to pick her up. She certainly won't entertain the idea of me reading as story to her, for example, if he is in the room (and therefore in her eyes, available). This preference has been particularly apparent during the last few days, during which she's been ill. All she wants is daddy, and responds to me with screaming and crying and trying to get away, calling for him. Unless, that is, he isn't around, in which case she bleats after him a bit but basically seems to accept that I'm the only parent on offer.

It's so hurtful. I am the best mummy I can be in the time I have with her but to be honest, it seems as though I might as well not exist. I can understand her having a greater attachment to my husband because she sees that much more of him, but I don't see my friends' children exhibiting the same sort of behaviour towards their fathers. On the contrary, they seem positively delighted when daddy gets home from work.

It's bad enough having to go out and leave her all day, every day. Our current financial situation/earning potential dictates that this is the way we have to live at the moment, but I feel as though I am being doubly punished. As I said at the beginning of this post, I'm really trying to be rational about it but I really can't stand another situation in which my little girl is fighting her way out of my arms and crying for her dad. I don't expect her gratitude fot the fact that I'm always the one who gets out of bed at night to see to her when she needs it, and always the one who wakes up if anything is wrong, who makes sure there are clean clothes, clean nappies, warm milk to drink and bottles of calpol on standby - etc, etc, etc - but it would be nice to mean a bit more to her than just some horrible alternative to daddy, who will do only if he isn't in the house.

Anyone else out there been through this?

Both DS1 (2) and DS2 (8 months) prefer Daddy. Daddy is fun Daddy carries them around everywhere and Daddy lets them get away with things that I never would. I feel put out from time to time but I am so pleased that they have such a good relationship with DH.

DS1 says "Mummy is the Boss but Daddy is the Great"

Sarah, I remember the pacing and rocking for ages only to have dh take dd or ds (can't remember now) and they instantly stop crying. Makes you feel a little bit of a failure when you are tired. However, it made him feel useful and that was a good thing. Your dd doesn't hate you but perhaps picks up some anxiety which is only natural

I have one dd and dh has been very much the preferred parent since she was about 9-10 mo. It waxes and wanes but was certainly at it's hieght around 18 mo (2.8 now). I am her main carer but she goes to nursery 3 days/week.

It has been very upsetting especially at it's worst. Very hard to keep being mature about it. I tease dh when he gets no peace about how hard it is being the preferred parent and I know it is difficult for him - but honestly I don't think he really minds.

To the OP I could have written your post. Both me and dh work but she struggles and cries to escape from my arms when I try to give her a cuddle preferring to be with dh. It breaks my heart as I'm trying so hard to be a good Mum and I love her so much. I never expected this either and it really hurts somewhere deep inside, the feelings extremely profound. However... now at 18m things are beginning to change whenever she's with dh she just repeats "mummy" and tries to look for me and dh ends up plonking her down with me because she insists on being with me!!

She first developed her daddy preference at 7m and is now 18m and just beginning to change so hang on in there!! I never thought it would change but it is doing-slowly. Just be patient and understanding, they're fickle lttle minxes at the end of the day

My Dd has always preferred her dad also - he was first to hold her, her first word was dada... for ages I felt that I was totally superfluous, but now I know that there are some things that her dad has with her that I haven't got and some things that I have with her that he hasn't got.. And my DD has her own relationship with each of us, the same as any person.

you are being a brill mum, believe me - things balance out a bit after they turn 3!! Really - and of course the electra complex is strong.

My DD sometimes can't bear to see my Dh and I hold hands - she wants to hold his hand and has told me off for holding his hand sigh We don't allow this 'jealous' behavior though and have always included her if she gets upset that DH and I are hugging - we just say "room for one more" and hug her as well.

My DD's twisting DH around her little finger I just take that she's asserting her influence over men in general and I don't take it personally, neither does he: it's just inbuilt I think.

I'm feeling from your post that you are feeling guilty about being away and working? and I hope that you realise that when your DD has grown up and wants to go places, she'll be all over you as she will know where the money comes from!! It all balances out in the end.
I hope you get some time alone with your DD - perhaps ask your dh to leave her to you one night of the week, so you get to put her to bed, and he's not around, or do something just with her for girlie fun at the weekend - baking, massaging, manicure or something.

Please give your self a break and don't take it seriously, they all go through phases, and can be especially clingy to one parent when they are feeling poorly.

I hope you begin to see the light soon - I've been there and now that my DD is 3.5 we are great pals .

oooh this one brings a memory

dds all saying if " we have decided that if you and daddy split up we want to live with daddy" not that we were or are breaking up, but i was gutted at the time.

Lovely odd mummy - how could they?!!

My dd was exactly the same with my dh.

We both work, so it wasn't that she saw more of one of us.

We figured it out in the end - I get her up in the mornings and dh puts her to bed. She was clinging to him in the evenings because she was tired and associated him with sleep. So I did bedtimes for a week and it stopped.

Could she be associating your dh with something like that???

Just checked this thread after a week or so's absence. Thank you all very much - very helpful and encouraging. I feel much better seeing how similar my situation is to that of other mums and got lots of good, practical advice too. Cheers ladies. x