Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Husband shouted and shook child

40 replies

Jazzhands7 · 30/09/2023 12:01

My kids were playing a game in the car that went too far. My eldest pinched the youngest and wouldn’t let go.

my husband abruptly stopped the car on the highway jolting my neck and took my eldest out of the car. I thought he was giving her a time out to let her cool down but instead he grabbed her and put his face right up to hers and screamed at her the look of abject terror on her face was horrifying to me and my youngest started flipping out.

I immediately told him to stop and that he was being violent towards her and to be the adult. He started yelling at me that what was he supposed to do? And he didn’t want my opinion as I wasn’t doing anything (the pinch lasted for about six seconds and I was telling her to stop immediately)

by this time my youngest was having a panic attack and both were freaking out and looked petrified.

I drove the rest of the way and my kids went to their rooms and the eldest didn’t come out all night. He hasn’t apologised to either of them and just has started acting like everything is normal.

I feel such a deep level of disgust at his behaviour. He will not apologise I know he won’t.

i just don’t know what to do with this? I can’t pretend it didn’t happen and I hate the way he generally treats our kids. He’s one of those men that demands immediate obedience and respect and can’t understand when you behave that way everyone around you instantly loses respect for you.

OP posts:
Xenatitus · 30/09/2023 12:04

Have a one on one with your husband, then ask him to have a chat with your eldest.
Acting like nothing happened is not on

Xenatitus · 30/09/2023 12:04

Also, how old are they?

Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 30/09/2023 12:10

I know he’ll say he won’t apologise. He’ll tell me to mind my own business and that his relationship with his kids is no business if mine.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 30/09/2023 12:11

Tweens

OP posts:
OhMyFriend · 30/09/2023 12:13

Is this the first time he’s lost it like this?

monsteramunch · 30/09/2023 12:13

I hate the way he generally treats our kids. He’s one of those men that demands immediate obedience and respect and can’t understand when you behave that way everyone around you instantly loses respect for you.

You're in an abusive relationship and your children are also being abused.

I imagine he is abusive in a number of ways including coercive control as you frankly sound terrified of him.

You need to speak to women's aid to get advice on your rights and how to safely leave your abuser.

Are you financially reliant on him? What is your housing situation?

You can't stay in a relationship with him because your children are being abused and you're teaching them that it's normal to tolerate a partner abusing you in an relationship.

The longer you stay with him, the more likely it is they'll replicate this relationship dynamic themselves as adults either as abusers or victims.

whatchulookinatwillis · 30/09/2023 12:14

Why did you allow your violent, aggressive husband to stay in the family home last night?

Why didn't you stick up for your children and upon arrival at home, tell him to pack a bag and leave?

Are you afraid of him as well?

The pinching by your child is completely unacceptable behaviour; but maybe it's learnt behaviour from her father? She thinks violence is acceptable because she witnesses things like last night?

Tell him you need some time to consider your relationship and if you need to contact social services to report the violent shaking of his child.

Whiskeypowers · 30/09/2023 12:15

So basically he’s a nasty piece of work and you are all walking on eggshells around him.
He is abusive
you need to leave him and show your kids this sort of tyrannical behaviour is not only completely unacceptable but that as their mother you won’t continue to expose them to it.

gingangirly · 30/09/2023 12:40

Ok I'll buck the trend.

How often do your old-enough-to-know-better kids ignore continually being told to stop something?

How often do they play up in the car?

How stressed does your husband normally get driving?

As you are a driver you know how stressful trying to concentrate when kids are continually playing up and you are powerless to do anything. We've all been there. Sure your H was wrong but he sounded at the end of his tether.

Final question - will the eldest child do it again?

OhMyFriend · 30/09/2023 12:42

gingangirly · 30/09/2023 12:40

Ok I'll buck the trend.

How often do your old-enough-to-know-better kids ignore continually being told to stop something?

How often do they play up in the car?

How stressed does your husband normally get driving?

As you are a driver you know how stressful trying to concentrate when kids are continually playing up and you are powerless to do anything. We've all been there. Sure your H was wrong but he sounded at the end of his tether.

Final question - will the eldest child do it again?

Jesus Christ.

monsteramunch · 30/09/2023 12:44

gingangirly · 30/09/2023 12:40

Ok I'll buck the trend.

How often do your old-enough-to-know-better kids ignore continually being told to stop something?

How often do they play up in the car?

How stressed does your husband normally get driving?

As you are a driver you know how stressful trying to concentrate when kids are continually playing up and you are powerless to do anything. We've all been there. Sure your H was wrong but he sounded at the end of his tether.

Final question - will the eldest child do it again?

Did you not even bother to read to the end of OP's post?

Do you think this sounds like a remotely healthy dynamic with a fundamentally decent bloke?

I hate the way he generally treats our kids. He’s one of those men that demands immediate obedience and respect and can’t understand when you behave that way everyone around you instantly loses respect for you.

Luna42 · 30/09/2023 15:35

You say you have a deep level of disgust and that feeling is there for a reason, it's to protect you and your children from harm. Don't ignore that feeling, act on it. Calmly and safely find a way out, to friends or family. If that's not possible call Womens Aid. You don't have to tell him or explain to him, that can come later from a safe distance. He does not have control of his emotions, which is dangerous. Or he does have control and chose to behave that way which is also dangerous.

HellNoBedBug · 30/09/2023 15:38

Another one agreeing with other posters that your eldest is learning this behaviour from her father as normal?

Bone of this is remotely normal or healthy I promise to that. Please look at taking to someone outside to help you see what else is wrong if he wants to parent this way

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 30/09/2023 15:42

and I hate the way he generally treats our kids. He’s one of those men that demands immediate obedience and respect and can’t understand when you behave that way everyone around you instantly loses respect for you.

In this case I'd leave him. His behaviour will be damaging your Dc.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 30/09/2023 15:43

When an adult loses control like that, there often isn't any way to de-escalate the situation. But today is another matter.

I would be calmly telling him that he needs to sort himself out some anger management and that if that ever happens again, you will report him to the Police for child abuse. And mean it.

Gnomegnomegnome · 30/09/2023 15:46

Jazzhands7 · 30/09/2023 12:10

I know he’ll say he won’t apologise. He’ll tell me to mind my own business and that his relationship with his kids is no business if mine.

Someone being violent and aggressive towards your child is your business. It doesn’t matter if it’s a stranger or their own ‘father’.

What are you going to do about it @Jazzhands7 ? How are you going to support your children and show them that this isn’t acceptable and that you are protecting them?

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 30/09/2023 15:47

He pulled over on the hard shoulder to discipline your child?

id be livid at that without the rest of it.

Tinkerbyebye · 30/09/2023 15:48

from what you say this isn’t the first time

put your kids first and leave, they should not be in fear of a parent

Fleabane · 30/09/2023 15:58

Are you frightened of him? Do you think you and your children are in danger or is he just a bully?

If the latter, I would tell him to leave today while you think about your options.

14blackcrows · 30/09/2023 15:59

Please leave. You need to protect your kids. That is violent abuse.
It's not normal.
Sometimes parents loose their temper and shout of course. But what he did was physically violent and terrifying. Think about how this will effect her relationships with men as an adult. Don't model to her that this is to be tolerated.
She was wrong to pinch her sibling but she's a child. He is an adult man. Raising his voice a bit I'd understand, stopping the car I'd understand. Violently shaking her and screaming in her face is abuse.
You need to protect these children. Consider ringing social services or if you can't do that ring a child protection charity like nspcc for advice on how to proceed.
It sounds like this is a common pattern of behaviour for him.
Please protect your children, they can't protect themselves. And the amount of times I see this swept under the rug in families because the mother finds it too hard to deal with or just pretends it isn't happening..
This happened to one of my closest friends. Her father struggles with his mental health and was violent towards her.. sticking her head down the toilet because she didn't do her chores, cutting her nails so short he actually ripped the skin and they bled, because she scratched her brother, screaming in her face and choking her. Nothing was ever done about it because on the face of it they were this middle class lovely family. This man seemed like a decent guy. A solicitor. Polite and well spoken. No one protected her.
She's had life long anxiety and ocd issues and is on medication. She really struggles. Her parents are still together. I just think it's so deeply sad. Her mother seems like a lovely woman but she just let her daughters mental health be shattered by this man.
Please stand up for your children

bakewellbride · 30/09/2023 16:01

Leave him and get your kids out of that mess or you're failing them. My mother stayed (similar situation) and it was awful. No contact for many years and never again. Don't make the mistake she did and put your kids first.

Whiskeypowers · 30/09/2023 16:15

Fleabane · 30/09/2023 15:58

Are you frightened of him? Do you think you and your children are in danger or is he just a bully?

If the latter, I would tell him to leave today while you think about your options.

He is both. A bully is an abuser. An abuser is a bully.

KandieKaine · 30/09/2023 16:15

I remember my brother kept kicking my leg in the back of the car . I kept telling him to stop and my mother telling me to keep quiet . All of a sudden my dad who was driving turned around to hit me as I was sit in the middle and we veered across the road . He managed to stop the car . But I got blamed and was told if we had crashed or another car was in the opposite side of the road and someone was killed it would have been my fault . This was 50 years ago . No cameras back then . I wonder if there were cameras would he have done it ?

WallaceinAnderland · 30/09/2023 16:17

By staying with him you are telling your children that his behaviour is acceptable.

Fleabane · 30/09/2023 16:37

@Whiskeypowers - I didn't say he wasn't an abuser. He is abusive.

But if the OP thinks she and her children may be in real danger from him, it may be safer for them to leave rather than asking him to leave.

I'm concerned about their safety.