Husband shouted and shook child

[Jazzhands7]

My kids were playing a game in the car that went too far. My eldest pinched the youngest and wouldn’t let go.

my husband abruptly stopped the car on the highway jolting my neck and took my eldest out of the car. I thought he was giving her a time out to let her cool down but instead he grabbed her and put his face right up to hers and screamed at her the look of abject terror on her face was horrifying to me and my youngest started flipping out.

I immediately told him to stop and that he was being violent towards her and to be the adult. He started yelling at me that what was he supposed to do? And he didn’t want my opinion as I wasn’t doing anything (the pinch lasted for about six seconds and I was telling her to stop immediately)

by this time my youngest was having a panic attack and both were freaking out and looked petrified.

I drove the rest of the way and my kids went to their rooms and the eldest didn’t come out all night. He hasn’t apologised to either of them and just has started acting like everything is normal.

I feel such a deep level of disgust at his behaviour. He will not apologise I know he won’t.

i just don’t know what to do with this? I can’t pretend it didn’t happen and I hate the way he generally treats our kids. He’s one of those men that demands immediate obedience and respect and can’t understand when you behave that way everyone around you instantly loses respect for you.

You asked if he was a bully or abusive
my point is that bullies ARE abusive. they inflict abuse. They are abusers.

They are in danger. He clearly is simmering with rage on a regular basis which has - as here - exploded.

Totally agree that you and everyone else - apart from the “bucking the trend” lunatic post - including me should be concerned for their safety.

@Whiskeypowers - No, I didn't.

I asked: Are you frightened of him? Do you think you and your children are in danger or is he just a bully?

I did not use the word abuse or abusive at all. And the reason I asked is - as I've just explained - that she shouldn't ask him to leave if she thinks that will put her and her children in danger.

Women are at most risk from violent men when leaving or trying to get them to leave.

i just don’t know what to do with this? I can’t pretend it didn’t happen and I hate the way he generally treats our kids. He’s one of those men that demands immediate obedience and respect and can’t understand when you behave that way everyone around you instantly loses respect for you.

I'm afraid he isn't the only one responsible for those children.

YOU need to protect them. If that means removing them from him then so be it.

If the father is nasty like that I expect the eldest child has learned that being aggressive is ok in your house/car. It's not acceptable for a parent to assault a child and you should be telling him that. No apology from DH to your eldest child then ask him to leave. Did the eldest child apologise to the younger DC? If so learning not to apologise when does wrong from Dad too.

I left an abusive man when I was pregnant with two other tiny children with nothing so I know about it all from start to finish and beyond
your saying “is he just a bully?” to me is the sort of question someone who hasn’t been there would ask because a bully IS abusive. The use of the word “just” implies that someone who bullies someone isn’t as bad as an abuser putting someone in danger in that moment.

bullying is an expression of power and control over someone who is more vulnerable and weaker than you whether by size, age, dependency or circumstances. That is abuse.

not sure a continued debate on the matter is helpful to the OP but if you want to keep clarifying and explaining so be it

if this is the norm and unchangeable I’d leave him and take the kids. If he really can’t see what he did wrong and can’t make amends and can’t reflect and improve his behaviour, I would leave and take the kids. I consider screaming in someone’s face abusive.

There is absolutely no way I could ever continue a relationship with someone who treated my child like that. Report the incident to social services, then contact women's aid and get their support in getting you and your children to safety, and then commence divorce proceedings. You can't change the harm that he's already caused, but you can send a loud and clear message to your children that it is never okay for anyone to treat them like that, and that they should never tolerate that sort of behaviour in their future relationships. Some people are just not fit to be parents, and children need to be protected from those people.

You need to give serious consideration to the idea of ending your marriage. You need to take the steps necessary to end your marriage and remove yourself and the children from this toxic environment.

You're all living with an abusive man, and your children will not forgive you for not calling a screeching halt to the madness you are both subjecting them to, he by being the perpetrator, you by staying in the relationship with the kids along for the ride.

Please seek immediate help for yourself so that you can be an effective parent to your children. Look for a therapist, call Women's Aid - you need support to get away from this angry and controlling man.

@Whiskeypowers - I agree that a continued discussion isn't helpful but you put words in my mouth.

It's all abuse.

The 'just' was not meant to minimise and I'm sorry if you read it that way. I know what a profound impact it can have.

My primary concern is about keeping the OP and her children safe. Bluntly, it's very easy to sit in a safe house and tell a woman that she should tell an angry abusive man to leave. But I don't want people encouraging her to do that if that means he may try and kill her and her children.

And well done for getting out @Whiskeypowers - that takes massive courage and strength.

Have to say I am inclined to agree. Husband sounds fairly awful but DC fighting/playing up in the back of the car whilst being driven at speed is one thing that I absolutely would lose my shit over (though ideally not until we were safely home). And your kids sound easily old enough to know better.

Has everyone had an opportunity to talk about what happened and apologise to each other?

The fact that he is generally like this is worrying. You are their mum your job is to protect them from abuse. There are awful people who do awful things and those that look on and do nothing. You need to find a way to protect them and make them feel safe. I would be telling him to stay elsewhere for now at least and not come back until he can be safe around them. Call women's aid or nspcc for advice xx

So your kid was hurting a sibling deliberately and there was loads of screaming going on while he was driving on the motorway? Seriously that is so dangerous at that age I'd want to know why they were behaving so dangerously.
If he's regularly aggressive I'd have already dumped him if it was a one off I'm not surprised he was that annoyed people could have died.

I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt based on the car incident on the basis that if the kids were screaming and shouting and making a huge deal about the pinching and he was driving he could have lost his temper due to a fear that them behaving like that was distracting and dangerous.

I would in that case expect him to talk to them and apologies

Then I read your last paragraph

hate the way he generally treats our kids. He’s one of those men that demands immediate obedience and respect and can’t understand when you behave that way everyone around you instantly loses respect for you.

does he do stuff like this alot? If so I fear you are in an abusive relationship and this situation isn't a one off.