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Original poster

I've screwed up my 2nd child.

30 replies

InDisguiseitsMayhem · 28/09/2023 14:43

I have 2 dc's. My first was a very demanding grumpy baby that cried ALOT! He was never affectionate to the point I wondered what on earth I was doing wrong, and would also reject any affection you gave him. However, as he got older, the affection came in abundance. When he went to nursery, he would miss me and jump into my arms when he came out. He would cuddle me and want to be with me. Even now, he will still show so much affection; our incredibly close bond makes my heart melt.

Dc2 in comparison was a beautiful cuddly dream of a baby. He made me feel that what I was doing as a parent was right. He acted in the way I had imagined a baby would pre kids. As he grew he would give kisses and cuddles without prompting. This however all changed when he hit about 2. He is 3 now and although will give eventually give kisses when asked he doesn't of his own accord. He doesn't tell me he loves me back, and rarely sits long enough for a cuddle. When he started nursery he took to it without issue, he was indifferent whether I picked him up or not. I honestly feel I could send a random relative and he would behave the same. He seems indifferent to both my husband, and I. Its like he isn't forming a proper bond, and I can't get past a certain point with him.

What have I don't wrong to cause this beautiful little baby to change like this? I worry I haven't given him enough attention, and as much as I did with dc1. I wasnt well when ds2 was born and having toddled dc1 I worry i've just gone through the motions. Now dc2 is almost 4 and he won't even run to me when he finishes nursery, happily leaves, and just doesn't seem to care.

I feel like I've massively failed dc2 , and that he is going to grow up not bonded to me.

Does anybody have this same issue?

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Motnight · 28/09/2023 14:45

All kids are different.

Stop asking him to kiss you

Original poster
InDisguiseitsMayhem · 28/09/2023 14:47

@Motnight you're right but the thing is he wasn't this way. It's like he is predisposed to be affectionate and I've caused him not to be. I don't pester him, he doesn't ever give a one

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Flockameanie · 28/09/2023 14:47

Sounds more like he’s securely attached!

I think it’s unrealistic to expect a little kid to want to cuddle you/ be receptive to kisses and say they love you. Some people are just less tactile…

I mean this in the kindest way, but this sounds like it’s more your own issue than your DC’s? Might you have unrealistic expectations of them?

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Whattodo112222 · 28/09/2023 14:47

I don't agree with asking for kisses. I'm trying to infer you are forcing him to be affectionate but you shouldn't impose this onto him. Perhaps it's just a phase.

Original poster
InDisguiseitsMayhem · 28/09/2023 14:49

@Flockameanie I guess I'm just seeing a huge difference to the way he was to the way he is now. I'm wondering why the change. I don't expect kisses/hugs all of the time, but surely one for an almost 4 year old is normal?

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Original poster
InDisguiseitsMayhem · 28/09/2023 14:51

Thank you for saying he is securely attached. It's just feels I could drop him off at my Mums and he wouldn't care if he ever saw me again!

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teekay88 · 28/09/2023 14:51

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Posters like the above are of course the usual keyboard warriors lacking in empathy and failing to see the human behind the post. Or choosing not to. Why that would be considered an appropriate response is beyond me

Although issues with my son have been slightly different I have (for various reasons) been through peaks and troughs with my bond with my son and I know how it feels to question every tiny thing you've done and the toll it takes on your mental health

I of course am no expert so I'd really recommend speaking to your doctor but I wondered whether you'd ever considered that your son could potentially be somewhere (however "lightly" for want of a better word) on the autistic spectrum? I know that is very hard to hear and please don't take the opinion of a random mumsnetter like.me for gospel but some.characteristics that you describe have some.parallels with autistic children that I know in my.perspnal life. I'm wondering if rather than it being a reflection of your parenting this may be an interrelational issue for him that may at the very least be worth exploring?

A kinder version of what the other poster said above is of course that it is possible this is a personality thing and nothing more than that, however difficult that may feel to accept. But you know your son and I think it's worth reaching out for some initial help.or at least a discussion with the GP to see if there is any basis for any other underlying reason

BoohooWoohoo · 28/09/2023 15:05

You are overthinking this.

Your children are different people. How would you feel if your mum compared you with your siblings ? Said things like I wish dc2 (you) would hug me as much as dc1? I'm the eldest of 4 and my mum did this all the time. It makes all of the kids feel shit because it feels like mum is wishing that we were like our sibling.

My dc2 is like yours. On her first day of school she ran in without even saying bye. She's now at university and her personality has remained the same. She's happy to take risks and do adventurous things and has been very successful and happy as a result. She's not the cuddly type but I know she loves me and I'm very proud of the person that she is.

Children grow and change. You need to celebrate dc2's strengths and not try and change him into dc1 because he's not his brother. It's good that dc2 enjoys nursery and feels connected to the workers there. He is secure and confident which is a good thing.

ittakes2 · 28/09/2023 15:06

Actually I think that you have a 'normal' relationship with your second son who sounds grounded. It sounds like you have a very intense relationship with your oldest and you need him to need and want you and he displays this. I suspect unfortunately that might transpire into him becoming anxious around the age of 7/8 which is the age they realise the world is a big place and you can't protect him from it. Your children are different - you have done nothing wrong.

Kat126 · 28/09/2023 15:29

Op my nephew screams the place down when he has to leave nursery so you’re doing alright! My sister gets so embarrassed and paranoid but he really loves nursery… He also really loves his mum. You’ve just got two different kids I think.

Snittler · 28/09/2023 15:34

The main aim of parenting should be to raise happy, resilient, independent human beings. Sounds like that’s EXACTLY what you are doing. Don’t worry.

Lancasterel · 28/09/2023 15:52

Snittler · 28/09/2023 15:34

The main aim of parenting should be to raise happy, resilient, independent human beings. Sounds like that’s EXACTLY what you are doing. Don’t worry.

I totally agree with this! My DS went off on his first residential a few months ago having only ever spent the odd night away from me and never 3 days in a row. He was excited and ready running up to it, got on the coach without a backward glance and came back full of it.
This is how it is supposed to be and I’m glad he didn’t care if I waved him off or not 😂
He is a confident, capable little (bigger!) boy and his behaviour reflected this.
I mean, it’s not exactly nice for anyone when your child is sobbing hysterically and has to be peeled off you at drop off is it?

writteninthewater · 28/09/2023 16:02

It's nothing that you've done! My first was like this, as a baby I fell in love with him immediately but always felt he didn't care who was looking after him, he never had a preference for anyone and other mums would tell me how lucky I was when they had their toddlers clinging on for dear life and wailing when they had to leave them whereas mine just ran in without even looking back or saying goodbye. Deep down it made me sad but he changed at around 4 I think because school was the first environment I left him in that he didn't enjoy as much. He's 8 now and very affectionate to me and his younger siblings.

dancingorange · 28/09/2023 16:19

Surely you understand that children change as they grow as you said your first has and surely you understand that all children aren't the same. He seems absolutely fine, some children scream and tantrum when their parents pick them up and that still doesn't mean they hate mum/dad. You seem very hell bent on affection to the point it seems an obsession

VentiPumpkinSpiceLatte · 28/09/2023 17:19

The way I see it DC 2 got all the cuddles and love he needed and feels very securely attached and trusts that you and partner are there for him. He’s growing up and moving on. DC1 had a different experience because he took you a little for granted and then needed that to make up for lost time.

VivaVivaa · 28/09/2023 19:23

Your love language seems to be openly tactile and emotional. Lots of hugs and kisses and affirmations of love. That’s fine, but it’s not his at the moment. You haven’t screwed him up, he’s just different to you.

Mammma91 · 28/09/2023 19:32

Kids go through a bit of both stages, clingy then fiercely independent, I don’t think that means you’ve failed DC2. Just different to DC1! Enjoy him, that loving, cuddly little baby will re-surface in different stages of life. I’m due DC2 and I don’t expect to have the same child.

TinyTeacher · 28/09/2023 20:03

Children go through waves and phases with expressing affection. A securely attached child doesnt feel the need to prove their love to you. So sometimes you will be taken for granted.

Just be there for him if/when he does want a cuddle. Don't worry about it the rest of the time if you can manage.

I don't think my sister have my mum a hug often at all. She's just not tactile. It doesn't mean she doesn't love her.

ValancyRedfern · 28/09/2023 20:59

He sounds very well adjusted. If he's confident enough to go into nursery without a backward glance that's great. Dd was the same and I took as a good sign that she was securely attached and enjoyed her nursery. I agree with others that you shouldn't be asking for kisses.

DiaNaranja · 28/09/2023 23:13

It sounds to me like he's just very secure and confident, and doesn't need to seek reassurance through touch. Their personalities and traits can change alot as they grow, so don't let this phase define who you think he is as a child. Even overhearing phrases like "dd2 isn't a hugger. He doesn't like giving kisses" etc, could make him feel like he has to be/stay that way, and can almost stunt and determine emotional development long-term, so try not to use phrases like that infront of him. If someone asks him for a hug and he doesn't want to, you can always step in and say "dd2 may not feel like he wants a hug right now, but he'll let you know if he wants a hug next time" and reiterate with him how important it is to have ownership over his own body, and he has the right to refuse hugs/kisses/contact if he doesn't want to, and can ask people for a hug if and when he wants one (obviously reminding him that the other person has the right to say no) You may find once he feels in control of his autonomy, and knows he gets to decide when/if he wants that, he may become more inclined to ask you for a hug when he feels like he wants one. Both my kids have gone through affectionate and non affectionate stages at different times. With mine, at present, dd2 is much more tactile and likes to cuddle up to me and her dad often, like she "needs" that closeness and contact. She'll often reach out her hand to stroke my hair or hold my hand, and enjoys just touching me, pretty constantly. Whereas dd1 currently doesn't ever seek out physical touch. On the rare occasions she does give out hugs, they're only ever for a brief second, and she pulls herself away... She just doesn't enjoy that level of closeness. They're both very empathetic, lovely, kind, caring, girls, just different personalities, different needs, and different ways of showing affection. Dd1 likes to write me long letters about how much she loves me and wonderful I am... dd2 likes to lick me and squeeze the life out of me. 😄

Original poster
InDisguiseitsMayhem · 29/09/2023 10:44

Thank you all, I appreciate each and every one of your comments. It is extremely useful to gain different insights, and also to hear from those that have felt similarly to me at one point in time. I have learnt that I definately need to not take it personally, we are all different, and that's okay. DS1 is ND which highlighted the difference even more I think, if he is affectionate which I feel may be down to environment judging on how he was as baby, thabln why isn't ds2 who is NT. I have really overthought the whole thing, maybe through guilt that dc2 hasn't received as much attentions as dc1.

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Original poster
InDisguiseitsMayhem · 29/09/2023 10:49

@VivaVivaa · Yesterday 19:23

'Your love language seems to be openly tactile and emotional. Lots of hugs and kisses and affirmations of love. That’s fine, but it’s not his at the moment. You haven’t screwed him up, he’s just different to you.'

Your comment has summed me up perfectly. I think I am like this maybe because my own dm was really cold and closed off to me growing up. I could never break down her wall no matter how much I tried, which as a result caused me insecurities that I wasn't enough, always disappointing her etc. I shower my dcs with praise, tell them I love them every single day, as not for one minute would I want them to feel how I felt.

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Original poster
InDisguiseitsMayhem · 29/09/2023 10:51

@Mammma91
Enjoy him, that loving, cuddly little baby will re-surface in different stages of life. I’m due DC2 and I don’t expect to have the same child.

Thank you.💜Congratulations on your soon to be dc2 too.

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Silverballet · 29/09/2023 10:56

My eldest went through a phase at 4-5 where they were not very cuddly or affectionate. I went with that for a while and then realised that they might never learn to enjoy affection, and grow up to an adult not knowing how to give or receive affection, if I didn't keep showing it to them. So I still gave hugs, kisses, cuddles etc. Not in a smothering way, but daily/normally, and always told them I loved them. Initially I didn't get much back, but after a while they came on in leaps and bounds and from that point onwards they were affectionate again, even now they are teenage.

Original poster
InDisguiseitsMayhem · 29/09/2023 10:58

@ittakes2 · Yesterday 15:06

'Actually I think that you have a 'normal' relationship with your second son who sounds grounded. It sounds like you have a very intense relationship with your oldest and you need him to need and want you and he displays this. I suspect unfortunately that might transpire into him becoming anxious around the age of 7/8 which is the age they realise the world is a big place and you can't protect him from it. Your children are different - you have done nothing wrong.'

You are absolutely right. DS2 is ND, and I wonder if I've been overly attentive to him, because of developmental delays in his earlier years. He is 6 now and thriving, very smart, and where he should be academically, apart from some sensitivities, overreactions etc. I have learnt to parent him differently, as what works for ds2 doesn't for him. He does have anxiety, and I do worry for him, he is currently under CYPS, and getting some extra support in school.

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