I've screwed up my 2nd child.

[InDisguiseitsMayhem]

I have 2 dc's. My first was a very demanding grumpy baby that cried ALOT! He was never affectionate to the point I wondered what on earth I was doing wrong, and would also reject any affection you gave him. However, as he got older, the affection came in abundance. When he went to nursery, he would miss me and jump into my arms when he came out. He would cuddle me and want to be with me. Even now, he will still show so much affection; our incredibly close bond makes my heart melt.

Dc2 in comparison was a beautiful cuddly dream of a baby. He made me feel that what I was doing as a parent was right. He acted in the way I had imagined a baby would pre kids. As he grew he would give kisses and cuddles without prompting. This however all changed when he hit about 2. He is 3 now and although will give eventually give kisses when asked he doesn't of his own accord. He doesn't tell me he loves me back, and rarely sits long enough for a cuddle. When he started nursery he took to it without issue, he was indifferent whether I picked him up or not. I honestly feel I could send a random relative and he would behave the same. He seems indifferent to both my husband, and I. Its like he isn't forming a proper bond, and I can't get past a certain point with him.

What have I don't wrong to cause this beautiful little baby to change like this? I worry I haven't given him enough attention, and as much as I did with dc1. I wasnt well when ds2 was born and having toddled dc1 I worry i've just gone through the motions. Now dc2 is almost 4 and he won't even run to me when he finishes nursery, happily leaves, and just doesn't seem to care.

I feel like I've massively failed dc2 , and that he is going to grow up not bonded to me.

Does anybody have this same issue?

@Silverballet that sounds very promising, I'll just concentrate on what I give to him, and not how he is in return. As another poster has said, he will do as he sees fit. It is important he has control over his own emotions. I do however not force him to kiss/cuddle, I would never do that. I remember as a child being forced to kiss/hug my GD that I didnt like nor have a close relationship with , and how soul destroying that was.

Mine was the same.

He has other stuff on his mind. He wants to explore and experience. You're only there as a secure base/launchpad for him atm. His world has suddenly become much bigger than you and he wants to make the most of it, not spend his time cuddling you. When he sees all the exciting stuff that's waiting for him at nursery and other places, he's so keen to get stuck in that he doesn't give you a second thought.

He can do this because he knows you're there for him.

Yes, I didn't want to force anything, I didn't like it as a child either. All the "give me a big hug", "Where's my kiss" etc - to some DCs that's just cringe and forced and focuses on what the child is expected to give to the adult.

I just did a normal amount of affection and regularly but with a light touch, and not expecting or asking for reciprocation, or verbalising anything about the response (or lack of). That's another one - when the child does respond, but the adult says things like "That's not much of a hug! I hardly felt that! Give me a better one!" etc - that sort of critique comes across as demanding and judgey and it's really off-putting. If I did say anything, it would be positive like "I really enjoyed your hug". But not all the time.

One of my relatives had a habit of narrating what I was doing as if I wasn't there - even worse! "Ooh, am I going to get a hug from Silverballet today? Ooh I bet I'll be out of luck, she doesn't look in the mood!" Ugh, just stop!

I heard on a radio prog that you should look at your child as they come into the room with a loving look, happy to see them come through the door.
I prob did the opposite as was brought up with a ‘don’t get above yourself’ mantra.
So do as I suggest whichever child it is.

SueDonnym yes that's true. I do that with my DCs but genuinely I am always really pleased to see them and hear about their day. Back in "my day" this was not so much a thing although I don't know why?! It's hardly a fashion or a fad to be pleased to see your DCs.

Slightly off topic but along the same lines, one thing I heard when fortunately my DCs were very small (so I had time to action it from when they were conscious) was to give your full attention to them if they were telling or showing you something, rather than not really looking or listening just "mm-hmming" as you continue to scroll the phone or watch TV or whatever. Obviously if you were taking something out of the oven or something equally necessary then it'd have to wait for a moment but you should then go and find them and ask them to tell you, not just forget about it.

Even if you're not very bothered about looking at their latest Lego model or whatever, just find the patience to hear them out and look at them and give them your full and best attention. It's too easy to postpone small kids and then it becomes a habit and then they stop trying to tell and show you things.