Can’t cope - toddler refusing all meals

[Snickers94]

My 2yo daughter for months now refuses to eat anything, unless it’s a biscuit or a bag of crisps. Sometimes a brioche. At every meal she will cry and cry and act like we are torturing her by asking her to eat. I’ve spoken to health visitor, tried her techniques (cutting portions, eating together etc, not forcing the food in her mouth) but she still won’t eat. There was a time when my husband started to shovel the first spoon in her mouth which was just traumatising but after that first spoon she would eat fine watching TV. But because we felt like it was a horrible method we stopped doing that and now she doesn’t eat at all.

its not a case of we feed her while she watches TV - she refuses to eat even if it’s on.

She seems to eat at her childminders. I tried making similar food, she still doesn’t eat. It’s the environment. She also doesn’t eat at her grandparents house, or with any relatives really. I’m getting so many horrible comments from relatives about it, my mum is actually worried about her as if I’m a bad mum, and today I just broke down crying during DD’s tantrum at dinner because it’s too much. She ate breakfast (two yoghurts) and has not eaten since.

As a baby she peaked at 50th centile and now she is 25th, we can see her ribs and I just don’t know what I am doing wrong. Please help.

sounds exactly like my 2.5 year old. it’s really hard isn’t it - my dd does however eat at family members sometimes and then they berate me about how i must be lying about her lack of eating at home etc and i’m just not. does she have any milk anymore? we’ve just cut milk out as she was still wanting some overnight and she has actually eaten more than usual today

@satellitesunshine we only really give her milk if she hasn’t eaten. She will drink it before bed, if she has one brioche in the morning I will give her a cup of milk with it. Other than that she doesn’t drink it. It’s horrible, I actually dread having her at home sometimes because of her food refusal. I look forward to her going to her childminders because I know at least she will eat three meals there.

Tough phase. Some toddlers are very picky.

I'm going to say if she eats at childminder and you did get food into her by shovelling in front of the TV it doesn't sound like a food aversion to me. In which case I'd say you need to take the pressure off and trust that she won't starve herself. I'm not suggesting only offering her things that she absolutely doesn't like. Give her the brioche for breakfast - that way she has had SOME calories and doesn't start the day hungry and grumpy. But then you don't offer other unhealthy snacks during the day. Take the pressure right off and keep it things that toddlers generally do like. Bread and cheese on a plate, but if she doesn't touch it, never mind. Have some raisins or similar in a bowl that she can pick at if she fancies so she's getting some fibre. Dinner on offer to be something she eats at the c hildminders. Again, if she doesn't eat it, no comment I made, just move on with your day. If you want you can always offer a yoghurt before bed.

Almost all toddlers gradually accept a wider variety of food. If you worry about it you and up bribing them to eat with treats, whcih is not a path you want to be goiing down if you can possibly avoid it!

My eldest was a nighmare at this age. Some issues with swallowing that lead to a LOT of fussiness and aversion to anything "wet" that wasn't yoghurt. She's 7 now, and yes, she is still a bit of a fussy eater. But it's definitely not at a problematic level any more -yes, I'd love it if she actually liked vegetables and ate a wider range of them (salad is a NO still,as are courgettes/aubergine), but her diet is healthy enough and she manages just fine with school dinners etc and is totally fine in a restaurant.

The dietician we saw when she was a toddler said to focus on getting some protein and some fibre in every day. But otherwise not to stress at all until she reached the age of 4. She was right - some of it resolved itself by that age, and the rest wave gradually worked on without ever making food a battle ground.

Parenting is a long game....

If she is eating at childminder, relatives and anyone but you, it is not food refusal. I would say the answer is in your first sentence My 2yo daughter for months now refuses to eat anything, unless it’s a biscuit or a bag of crisps.

She knows she gets crisps or biscuits. Stop buying them and stop giving them to her. Show her the empty cupboard.

It sounds like mealtimes have become really stressful for everyone. What would happen if you just sacked them off for a bit? Put a little 'snack plate' next to her while she plays with a selection of little bits on it, cubes of cheese, raisins, tiny shaped crackers, slices of boiled egg, whatever she has eaten before. Obviously you will have to keep an eye on her for choking but make it look like you're not really paying attention. See what happens.

At this age my daughter ate hardly anything, but would always end up eating more like this- or if she had pudding first!

Yep this.

My daughter is off and on again with food. We are very non reactive about it.
Your meal times sound stressful.

We offer a wide range of single foods (pasta with cucumber, tomato, cheese sticks etc) as well as whole meals (Shepard's pie, stir fry noodles etc)
If she doesn't like it I try something else if that fails... a bit of cereal.

She generally eats well IF she likes it but we still spoon feed the odd bit now and then...

Will probably get jumped on for this but whatever it worked for me.
When my son was 2 (now 21) He went through a phase of refusing all dinners or real meals. I'd say to him.. I'm going to close my eyes and you are not to eat that chicken/potato/carrot.. Promise me, I'm really looking forward to it!!
The second I closed my eyes he would gobble it down while laughing hysterically. Twit 😂

Are there other children at the childcare? It might be interesting to see if she eats at home when you have another child in the house?

The other thing which I have seen other people do successfully is make yourself something that you know she likes for lunch. Pop it on the table in the lounge whilst you go and make a cup of tea whilst saying “no cheeky munching of my sandwich whilst I’m gone” and then lots of laughing if she does eat it etc.

Cooking with them helps too. Would she make something like homemade pizza with you? She could cut up the toppings with a table knife and pop them onto the pizza. She might be more willing to eat her creations.

Good luck, it sounds really stressful

I had a friend who's son only ate strawberry jam sandwiches for 9 months. Nothing else. She was beside herself but she went with it, not making a fuss when once again he asked for a jam sandwich for lunch or dinner. Then one day he just decided he wanted spaghetti with meat sauce for dinner and ate everything and anything after that.

It's probably a phase which she'll grow out of but you mustn't show her how stressed you are by it. Good luck.

Having had a toddler (now nearly teen) who refused all food except toast. I’d recommend the following,

1, back off food battles completely for the sake of your own sanity. My child would rather have starved than eat what they didn’t want to.

2, make meals with a variety of things, plus one thing that you KNOW that they like. So eg I knew my toddler would eat plain pasta, so we’d have spag bol.

3, we had a one bite rule, they had to try one bite of the thing that I knew they’d eat. After that if they wanted toast, they could have it. we slowly built up to two bites, then three bites etc.

4, gummy vitamins are your friends.

Those people who say to let your toddler starve have probably only dealt with your run of the mill refusal. My child has restricted foods for years, don’t get me wrong they eat meals, but on a limited rotation. They eventually received a diagnosis of ASD as well.

It honestly was one of the most horrendous times of my parenting journey, and years later I’m still shuddering over it. So please be kind to yourself whilst dealing with it. You have my utmost sympathy.

Check out Solid Starts they have an entire programme to help reverse severe picky eating. The founders son had it. You can apply for it for free if you can't afford to pay

What I would do is back off completely.

Don't make her come to the table, don't ask her to eat, don't comment at all on food or eating.

You and your partner turn the TV off and sit down at the table to eat, eat your meal, and if she chooses to come and sit with you or on your lap and wants to eat something - great. Don't comment or make a fuss at all either way.

25th percentile is very healthy, children often find a more natural percentile. It’s also very normal for a two year old to skip some meals. I think you need to stop worrying, minimise the processed foods and offer normal small meals without pressure.

Agree with backing off and not offering alternatives, including Milk.

However I don't agree with "she won't starve herself". My DD has ARFID and us being assessed for ASD. She sounds very similar in her eating to your DD in that she's eat at Nursery or with DGPs but not at home.

@Its5656 I did that with both DC at a similar age, carried on with the youngest until he was about 8! Was a brilliant technique, they'd be in fits of giggles and not realise they'd eaten most of their dinner.

Thanks everyone for your replies. She doesn’t eat biscuits and crisps all the time, I just used those as examples of food she is always willing to eat. Everything else can go to hell as far as she is concerned!

We normally just leave her food out and try not to pressure her to eat it. Occasionally this has worked, sometimes it doesn’t. Admittedly I have gotten upset at her when her lack of eating really gets to me.

I am really worried that if I leave her to it she will not eat and just lose tons of weight. Literally she never tells us she is hungry, and can go the entire day without eating anything pretty much. The times she has told us she’s hungry “something eat” she still refuses to eat what we give her. She says “no [name of food]” to anything we offer her, and sometimes when she says yes she still won’t eat it! Other times she asks for a food but then gets sooo upset and cries when we bring it to her. Then we put it back and she gets upset that we haven’t given it to her.

she had trouble with bottle aversion as a baby but then weaned beautifully and would eat everything we put in front of her until about 18 months.

I find it so friggin annoying that she eats all her meals amazingly with her childminder but acts as if we are torturing her when we put the same thing in front of her. I’m aware there are other 2 year old girls there which encourages her but she’s our only child and she has cousins she loves but still won’t eat when she sees them eating.

sorry for the long post. She managed to have a tiny bit of cereal before bed.

the other day she ate 1.5 brioches and 1.5 bananas and that was it the whole day!!!

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto my girl doesn’t even eat with her grandparents without being forced 😭 literally only with her childminder will she eat her meals happily. Plus my mum always gives her chocolate and stuff even though I’ve asked her not to.

She doesn’t have any other issues other than the eating and HV asked if we can think of a trigger. All I can think of is, when she started originally refusing food, my husband started forcing it into her mouth which I really really hated and didn’t agree with which is why he stopped doing it. We thought that was the only way she would eat. She’s also like this with brushing her teeth. We have to hold her head and brush her teeth, unless we play something on TV, and omg I hate it.

Anyway I’m scared it’s put her off food and idk how to reverse it.

I work with lots of families and the biggest factor that I see in eating issues is pressure. The pressure and anxiety that parents create around their children eating has such a hug impact. I really would take the pressure off. Keep breakfast as yogurt and brioche then for the other meals offer meals with lots of separate components.
Do not try to bribe or encourage any eating, act like you don’t care at all. Back right off and model good eating yourself.

Sorry @Snickers94 that sounds really stressful! What about trying something like this? My kids didn't have the issues you are facing so I cannot promise any kind of solution, but they genuinely loved their trays like this. The last section has a cover and I always put a little sweet treat in their for after they finished everything else. Maybe worth a try? There are different designs available! Good luck Xxx

EOS Kids Plates for Fussy Eaters Divided Plate for Boys and Girls Compartment Plates for Toddlers and Children Learn Nutrition and Food Groups - Blue Ocean amzn.eu/d/1TqmgxK

If you're getting stressed, she will pick up on that but I know from experience that it can be difficult not to become stressed.

Things that helped us were:

Small portions (I know you do this already)

Having something on her plate she liked

No cajoling

No comments even on what she did or didn't eat

Stopping milk and snacks

As someone else has suggested she also liked "bits" which was literally a little bit of different things we had in the fridge. Ice cube trays are good for this.

And massively altering my expectations on what she should be eating

Has the HV recommended My Child Won't Eat by Carlos Gonzalez?

If she's sensitive to having her teeth brushed as well, I would be tempted to ask the HV to do the 2 year Social & Emotional Ages & Stages.

If she's 26 months or under it's this one.

And from 27 months it's this one.

I'd book an appointment, fill it in and take it with you. I'd probably ask for a referral to a SLT too so she can make sure her swallowing mechanism is ok.

Did you manage to look up ARFID?

My dd was on fortified drinks at this age, nightmare. The only food she would it was chicken nugget happy meal (yes I know) couldn't get her to eat home cooked ones either. One period was 8 days of no eating when my dh was away on business and I made him drive to McDonald's as soon as he got back... our paediatrician said it was about control, partly a backlash for having a new baby sister, she was also diagnosed with autism later that year.

The good news is gradually she grew out of it, we found she would eat in restaurants especially spicy foods, then built it up, vegetables were never her favourite, but she's just a slightly fussy adult now and vegetarian

I think she does pick up on our stress! She's had her 2 year assessment including the ages and stages questionnaire and is right on track for everything, communication she excels at but she's just very defiant. I have looked into ARFID but because she eats at certain places I feel like it might just be something she doesn't like about our methods/our family. I wouldn't be surprised if it was the pressure, she's very alert and understands the world around her.

As for brushing her teeth - realised if I put on peppa pig brushing teeth on YouTube she will do it no tears. Otherwise all hell breaks loose!

My 21 month old was in this phase for 3 months , not comparing it yours fully as I’m sure an older toddler is much more difficult . But I found I used to hover over him just hopeful he would eat and he knew I was watching him. I then bought him new metal cutlery (which was an incredible novelty) and he now eats everything I put in front of him. I make myself a cup of tea while he’s at the table and supervise from there etc. I also started ensuring he had one thing on the plate he would eat (for him it’s toast). I do not offer any big snacks, just a yoghurt or some raisins or cheese. But I do try to leave a good 3ish hours of no food before dinner which he is perfectly fine with he never looks for food during this period and then he eats a great dinner. I also try to give him the same dinners as us as he sees us eating it and then is more inclined to eat his own. I used to make him his own dinners as sometimes ours can lack in a variety of veg etc as partner and myself are a little fussy but I aim to have these really nutritional meals for lunch instead and then shepherds pie, chicken dinners, spaghetti Bolognese etc for dinner!

Is she hungry enough when you’re trying to feed her?

This. No crisps or brioche. Tell her you don’t have any. Keep offering plates of bits to pick at. No pressure. Sit with her and eat yourself. Let her eat whatever she wants, or nothing.