SAHM finances?

[rosygirl13]

Looking for some advice on the matter.

I’m a stay at home mum to our 10 month old. My ‘partner’ works full time on an average wage (about 1.3k) a month. I get £480 from universal credit before bills. I’m left with £0 after food and general bills.
We were together for four years but split just before our baby was born, and both moved back into each of our parents house. Now we are trying to make things work, before moving into a place of our own together. My issue is - finances and how I feel he doesn’t support me.

Since our baby has been born I have taken care of him every single day and night. He is a very high needs child and a ‘Velcro’ baby as such. He also does not sleep, rarely naps and has been like it since birth. I’m exhausted, miserable and very depressed. To say I have had a rough time is an understatement. My partner was paying a standard £30 a week towards his son but recently upped it to £60 after much arguing. This is the complete financial support I get from him. He wants to be a family, and to get back together but refuses to understand the sacrifices I’ve made and make on a day to day basis as a mum. He thinks it’s easy. I get no thanks or any appreciation. He thinks being a stay at home mum is EASY and I’m just staying at home doing nothing. He doesn’t realise it’s a full time job with NO end of shift. No break. It’s constant.
His life hasn’t changed whatsoever. His whole wage is his, he can do what he like when he pleases, spend money on what he pleases. Meanwhile I’m struggling to get by and I’m an unpaid nanny for him whilst he does what he likes when he likes.

He doesn’t do anything remotely nice for me. He doesn’t financially support me. He does not care that I’m feeling so low about myself and my confidence no longer exists. He just doesn’t care. I have tried talking to him about this and he acts as if I’m ridiculous even suggesting he should be paying towards me being off work and caring for our son. I understand we aren’t married, but how in the hell will our relationship ever work if he cannot even support me whilst I’m raising our child? Am I being ridiculous even thinking he should be paying me a certain amount each month just for myself? Just for me to do things for myself that make me feel good?

Your relationship won't work.
I wouldn't waste my time. This man has no respect for you and what you are doing.

He doesn’t sound intelligent enough to be a worthy partner.

Despite the constant posts about men who want to get away with not paying their fair share for the mother’s of their children missing work, most men automatically recognize the financial, physical, and emotional sacrifice being made.

Please don't move in with this chap, he has no respect for you and no real interest in his child by the sound of it. Call the relationship to an end and concentrate on building your life on your own with your baby.

Not to mention he understands importance of self care. He’s always got his hair cut, eyebrows done, beard done. He goes to the gym. Buys new clothes, new shoes. But when it comes to me, it’s optional. How I feel about myself doesn’t matter. I feel so unappreciated, and this is the biggest reason we are not together. Out of the four years we were together, he never done anything nice. We went halves on everything, dates, hotel stays. Our first Christmas I went above and beyond for him, while he done the bare minimum. Valentine’s Day, he didn’t even get me a card. I cried the whole day, and then he went to the shops at 10pm to get me some chocolates etc. After then I’ve never bothered and neither has he. I can’t be surprised he’s this way even now we have a child together can I.

Also to add he has our son one night a week so I get a ‘break’ to sleep etc. He says he’s happy to HELP ME OUT. Never mind he’s looking after his child right? Whenever I say anything, his proposal is we split childcare 50/50. I want to go back to work but it’s impossible to find a 9-5 in my town, and I don’t have the family support of child care.

This. Go back to work, get yourself financially independent and focus on being a family with your DS.

The only way for a relationship with a SAHP involved to work, is joint account. There is no such thing as 'his and her' money, it is all family money.
I get no thanks or any appreciation, I'm not sure, on a day to day basis, partners need to thank each other for fulfilling their individual roles. However, what you describe is a man who does not give a shit about you.

I see two issues here. The first is your ‘partner’, you say you are trying to make it work but he sounds like a waste of time and it sounds like you even know this? If you feel all this way about him why are you bothering to try?

The second issue is the vulnerable financial situation you are in. In your shoes I would be making plans for surviving alone and that probably means looking for a job. Do you plan to go back to work at the end of your maternity leave? Did you have a job before you gave birth?

Do not get back with you. You both deserve so much more x

If he's offering 50/50 care, why don't you take him up on it?

I've been a SAHM for almost 2 years and when we made that decision we immediately set up a joint account, my partner works full time, overtime and is also on call once a month while I take care of our two children and household and the money is OURS, not his.

Don't put up with this - you will become a shell of your former self if you stay with him. Being a parent is bloody hard work and your partner should be your team mate which he is clearly is not.

I honestly don’t know. Probably because he always claims he’s going to be better, do better etc and never does. It’s always the same shit. I think I’m just holding out onto the hope he’ll finally get a clue. I did have a job before I gave birth, but I was made redundant! I planned to go back to college this year but it was just impossible due to the lack of sleep and childcare arrangements were impossible as well. I’ve also been searching for a job for months that fits in with my baby, what I could possibly afford in terms of government support for childcare and of course nursery timings. I still haven’t found anything, and anything I’ve applied for, I haven’t even had a response to! Every job needs someone flexible that can work weekends or evenings which I can’t. I’m just stuck. I cannot do anything or be better for my son in anyway possible. I hold so much resentment towards him because he can. He has the means to help support me too ‘the woman he claims to love and want to marry’. OR to just make things more doable for me whilst I’m caring for our son full time whilst he can go out doing what he likes.

He is never going to be in a position to provide for you as well as a baby earning only 1.3 k a month. After paying rent to his parents and maintenance to you , I can’t imagine he has much money left over. Realistically to live together, you’d need a second income.
If he does happen to have a decent amount left over each month eg he’s living rent free and he never treats you to even small things , you can’t rely on him to provide for you and the baby.

Don't bother. Don't get back with him. He doesn't value or appreciate you. You are wasting your time and your breath. Honestly, things will get easier. Your child will become entitled to free / subsidised nursery and you will be able to look for a job or go to college.

Go to child maintenance for the child support. Paying for his kid isn't optional and he doesn't get to decide the amount. He sounds like a prick.

He has outgoings of about £400 a month which is what I get monthly. I’m not asking for his full wage, but to contribute more.
He usually has about £800 sometimes more depending if he does more hours + received tips. If I was in his position and he cared for our son full time and I worked full time, I would be more than generous and happy to share whatever I had left over after bills regardless of how small I had. This is half of the problem. I just couldn’t imagine treating him the way he treats me.

So he has around £900 per month left over. With universal credit and £400 a month from him, you have £880 a month. It sounds pretty equal , do you have rent to pay? Is what he pays in keeping with the Maintenance calculator?
I wouldn’t move in with him unless you can reach an agreement on how the finances will work. I doubt there would be any money spare and your probably financially better off apart , especially when he doesn’t want to buy even small things for you. He sounds selfish.

Honestly I just wouldn’t bother. He’s shown you already he doesn’t care much so whats the point. You’ll just feel awful all over again.

I can’t be surprised he’s this way even now we have a child together can I.

You said it.

If you move into together, he’ll resent having to pay for you, he’ll have less money and you’ll have less money too Id be willing to bet.

Look into the open university for college. Keep looking for jobs. You can figure out the logistics - cross that bridge when you come to it. Are you on a list for social housing?

What are your bills? Seem high if you’re left with nothing from £480 after you’ve bought food. Are you paying your parent a lot of rent?

If you get £480 + child maintenance of £60 week, that’s £740 a month. It’s not lots but your outgoings should be pretty low too I’d have thought?

So he pays me £60 a week child maintenance which he has only been doing for three weeks. Before then he was paying me £30 a week.
£30 goes in a savings account for my son, and the other £30 is used towards food for him, which is expensive as my son has a lot of allergies so each week I’m doing a whole different food shop to mine. I pay £150 rent to my mum, £200 of my universal credit on food, and the rest goes on bills such as credit things I’m stupidly paying off. I then get child benefit which goes on nappies, wipes, a new outfit etc. So not any disposable income.

You can’t really afford to save £30 a week for your son. That’s £130 a month. I can’t save that for my DC and I’m not staying at home and we’re a 2-income household.

Honestly the price of food is ridiculous. I cannot believe it. My weekly food shop costs £90 for me and my 10 month old son, £80 with no household items. And we do not eat like kings.
He also has a dairy and wheat allergy so has to have completely different items so we can’t eat the same thing the majority of the time. I don’t buy snacks for me, anything luxury. I shop at Tesco as that’s the only store around where I live. I don’t drive or have anyone to drive me so Aldi / Lidl isn’t an option.
I have pretty much the same expenses as you would if you live alone. Such as I buy dishwasher tablets, washing up liquid / sponges, washing powder, shampoo, toothpaste etc. I pay £150 in rent to my mum, £320 a month on food (which even typing is absolutely ridiculous especially for one adult and a baby???) and the rest goes on paying off items that I’ve got on credit

How old is he? He sounds like a child.

This is not a relationship that is going to work. He hasshown you that. He is not ready to be a husband/father. He might well never be ready as it just doesn't sound like he wants to be.

You're hoping it'll all work ok. It won't. Not with this man child.

How long are your parent ok for you to live with them? Childcare for a very small child is expensive. Itwill get cheaper as baby grows up, so you get to keep a higher proportion of your wage and working is more affordable and worth it. Can you wait till free hours start to kick in? It doesn't sound like work would be easy for you as tired as you currently are.

I know. But my biggest fear is having no money to buy him anything important. I like the security of knowing if he ever needed something, it’s there. I’m constantly worried about money and it scares me in case I had completely nothing for him.

I don't see this working out. He is not willing to provide and take care you as a family.