SAHM finances?

[rosygirl13]

Looking for some advice on the matter.

I’m a stay at home mum to our 10 month old. My ‘partner’ works full time on an average wage (about 1.3k) a month. I get £480 from universal credit before bills. I’m left with £0 after food and general bills.
We were together for four years but split just before our baby was born, and both moved back into each of our parents house. Now we are trying to make things work, before moving into a place of our own together. My issue is - finances and how I feel he doesn’t support me.

Since our baby has been born I have taken care of him every single day and night. He is a very high needs child and a ‘Velcro’ baby as such. He also does not sleep, rarely naps and has been like it since birth. I’m exhausted, miserable and very depressed. To say I have had a rough time is an understatement. My partner was paying a standard £30 a week towards his son but recently upped it to £60 after much arguing. This is the complete financial support I get from him. He wants to be a family, and to get back together but refuses to understand the sacrifices I’ve made and make on a day to day basis as a mum. He thinks it’s easy. I get no thanks or any appreciation. He thinks being a stay at home mum is EASY and I’m just staying at home doing nothing. He doesn’t realise it’s a full time job with NO end of shift. No break. It’s constant.
His life hasn’t changed whatsoever. His whole wage is his, he can do what he like when he pleases, spend money on what he pleases. Meanwhile I’m struggling to get by and I’m an unpaid nanny for him whilst he does what he likes when he likes.

He doesn’t do anything remotely nice for me. He doesn’t financially support me. He does not care that I’m feeling so low about myself and my confidence no longer exists. He just doesn’t care. I have tried talking to him about this and he acts as if I’m ridiculous even suggesting he should be paying towards me being off work and caring for our son. I understand we aren’t married, but how in the hell will our relationship ever work if he cannot even support me whilst I’m raising our child? Am I being ridiculous even thinking he should be paying me a certain amount each month just for myself? Just for me to do things for myself that make me feel good?

£80 a week on food for you and a 10 month old sounds a lot. We spend around that amount for 2 adults and a 3 yo. Why do you need to eat separate meals? Dairy and wheat allergy must be really tricky to cater for but if you are cooking from scratch couldn’t you eat the same things? If you haven’t already you should request a referral to a paediatric dietician. It’d be worth confirming the allergies (if he’s grown out of them for example it’d make your life a lot easier) and they might be able to advise you on meals etc.

Just also seconding everyone else. Don’t move in with this guy. Try and get back to paid employment as soon as your free childcare hours kick in. Until then I’m afraid it’s probably survival. I also agree that saving money for your son is probably a ‘luxury’ you can’t afford right now, as shitty as that is

Go back to work. he earns a pittance. You need two incomes coming in, Universal credit will pay 85% of your childcare bill.

I’m constantly worried about money and it scares me in case I had completely nothing for him.

Instead of focusing on your ‘partner’, focus on getting shit-hot at money management. It’ll take away your fear and put you in a better position for your life in the long term.

Go to moneysavingexpert and read everything you can. Go to the dealing with debts section and read up there, make it your mission to use the money you do have in the best way possible.

£80-90 on a weekly shop just for you is mental, honestly. You’ve got room to cut back there. You could be using some of those savings on things you want more. I know it’s hard with allergies but there absolutely will be things you can change.

Forget your ‘partner’. Put your energies into improving your own circumstances without him.

The relationship is dead, walk away. He doesn't respect you.

The money does seem fairly close, his wage vs your UC\CM/CB but then you're spending £300 a month in food and more in rent (I'm assuming based on what you've said about exes income?). The answer isn't him giving you treat money, which is weird, he needs to start respecting and acting like a parent by actually caring for his child and paying a genuine fair share.

The food bill is massive and even sticking with Tesco I'm sure you could cut that down a lot. I can feed 2 adults, 2dc and a cat for less and most days I'm cooking 3 different meals for a fussy dh and toddler.

I think the problem is you’re a single parent. There aren’t many single parents that can afford to be SAHM’s and that’s the problem.

You and your partner don’t live together therefore you don’t have his support in the evenings and weekends when he’s not working (assuming he works normal hours). He also doesn’t support you financially to be a SAHM, which should mean having a joint account and pooling all your money together.

I think you should take up his offer of 50/50 custody and then you can look for a part time job on the days he has your son. He will need to sort out and pay for childcare on the days he has him if he needs to work. This would mean you gain some independence from him financially and in the long run you can work longer hours and support yourself rather than needing him financially. He doesn’t sound like the kind of man you can rely on. You need a long term plan to support yourself and your son.

You're actually very lucky, that you're not living with your 'partner' already. Much harder to extricate yourself from that situation than to avoid it in the first place!
Agree with everyone else who is urging you, please do not move in with this guy, he's shown you who he is, believe him.
Focus on yourself and your son, you may have to wait a while before you can go back to work but you can prepare in the meantime, study or get some experience volunteering. Claim Child maintenance. Things will get easier for you x

Do not move in with him!

Find an online calculator to see how much he would have to pay you if you went to CMS. If you trust him to pay regularly, and the amount is about right, then no need to go via CMS. However, if he is late or pays less some weeks, or should be paying more than £60 according to the calculator, then make a claim via CMS.

If he wants to have DS 50/50 so that he doesn't have to pay maintenance, then take him seriously and discuss which days it will be - two weekdays one week, three weekdays the next week, and every other weekend. It has to be a fixed and regular arrangement. Tell him to let you know once he has agreed it with his employer.
In other words, call his bluff.
If he actually does step up and take DS more, you don't provide clothes or toys or food for him to take with DS - he buys everything he needs and keeps it at his house.

Mumsnet is very hot on the idea that all single mums should work, which is great in theory, but may not be your best option just now. You have a 'velcro' baby, you are exhausted, and you can only do certain hours. There is no shame in leaving it until you get a good amount of free childcare.
The government is talking about changing the rules on free childcare hours, so keep an eye on what you would be entitled to over the next couple of years, and do some research on local nurseries - there may be a waiting list so you may need to sign up very soon for the future.

However, don't leave it too long or your job record will start to look bad and you will lose confidence. Make a plan. Can you do some training online in the evenings? There are loads of videos. Even if you don't get an official certificate it will keep your mind focussed on the type of work you want to do eventually.

Go online and find a site that will help you make a monthly, weekly, and annual budget (annual is important so that you include things like Christmas, birthdays, summer holidays / days out, and any bills that you pay once a year).

You've got this!

Don't get back together with him. I'm not even sure why you would want to.

Continue with job searching, even part time would be better than nothing right now.

FFS why do women do this
never give up your earning potential if you're not married or in a civil partnership