How can DP help with baby?

[ChamomileHoneyTea]

Hi all, 4 month old is EBF and I don’t pump bottles. Beyond bath time (when he gets back from work in time) and the odd nappy on the weekend how can DP help? By the way he can’t settle LO for naps/sleep so I do this, and at night we cosleep.

Take baby out for a walk in the pram, get down on the play mat and show books/toys.

Why can’t he settle the baby for naps?

i ebf my two babies. My dh made all our evening meals. He did baths. He winded, nappy changed and settled the babies after id fed them, even during the night.

Is it worth persevering on naps? My DH took DD out in the pram 3/4 times a day to transition from contact naps at 3 months.

My baby was also difficult to settle without me, but as a pp suggested DH can take for walks? My LO also settled on car rides, and generally moving, so DH took him on supermarket runs and basically any time he needed to go a get something.

Cuddling
More nappy changing
Try harder to settle baby
Playing with rattles/soft books/play mat etc
Taking baby outside for a walk

I was in a similar position, my partner started to do all the cooking and stepped up his game in terms of things around the house, doing food shop etc. I did start pumping though, baby was a terrible sleeper (still is haha) and I was exhausted so giving him a bottle in the evening meant I actually got a block of sleep which was very much needed. Taking baby out for a walk at the weekends is always a good one

It’s not just “helping” with baby is it?
it’s all the background stuff like putting a wash on and pegging it out (or whatever), planning, shopping and cooking a meal, putting the vacuum around, or changing the bed. (You get the picture?) If you do too much your milk might diminish.
Can he take baby for a short walk around the block whilst you put your feet up between feeds.
Yours is a big question. He needs to show initiative too. Many men don’t which breeds resentment.

He’s not going to learn how to settle the baby by not settling the baby.

I’d really recommend your DP working on settling the baby for naps. It becomes really tricky if only one person can, and only escalates and becomes harder in my experience. I don’t think this is something you need to drastically fix, but something to slowly work on.

In the meantime, no end of other jobs he can do. At four months their “playing” ramps up so your DP can definitely spend time lying on the floor interacting.

Taking off some of the mental load is helpful too. Tell him that weaning is just around the corner and ask him to start doing a bit of research on how you need to approach it. What to feed baby, purées versus BLW, how often you’ll need to feed the baby and what a schedule could look like, which high chair and bibs and utensils to buy.

You need to change your thinking op. Raising his own dc isn't helping out.... It's called parenting
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He’s tried to settle baby but it’s hard as LO just screams. Starting to think I made a rod for my own back by EBFing and cosleeping. It’s weird though because LO does all naps in the crib (some in pram) but won’t do night sleep in crib. DP helps with chores but I still need to cook.

Why do you still need to cook?

It might get better when baby is trying solids and can sit up and play more. In the meantime agree with PP he can take on more mental load and housework.

And he's not 'helping' with chores - he should be owning them and doing most of them when you're busy with the baby

I EBFed for 6 months. During this time we split everything we could.

Night times, I tended to go to bed early and get a solid block of sleep in, knowing my on call started at 2am. DP would take the baby if they woke until that time. I was able to express small amounts of milk but not gallons. Occasionally he'd bring them up for a sleep BFeed lay down in bed, then take them away again.

We did this for all 3, at one point we had 3 under 5s and it worked really well.

Prioritising your own sleep at times when you can be confident the baby is being looked after will make a world of difference.

Plus as a PP said, he needs to learn to settle the baby. Sooner he does that the more equal your parenting will be.

It will never get easier if he doesn't persevere. It will be difficult in the short term but so much better in the long run if both of you can settle baby.

Actually reading that back I realised by child #3, BFing was prime but the occasional formula feed also went alongside it.

@ReeseWitherfork thats a good idea on the weaning, I’ll give it a go

@Freezingcoldinseptember I agree but as I am on mat leave and he is working this is the way it is

@Clymene he gets back from work at 8 which is when I go to sleep as we cosleep, so I eat dinner early

Literally everything else.

Partner can do all nappy changes when home, choose clothes and dress them, ensure clothes are washed, dried, (ironed if necessary), folded and put away, ensure bed sheets are changed, ensure supply of clean muslins available. Play with baby, encourage tummy time, sing to them, read to them, take them to groups - lots of Saturday things near me. Take them for a walk in the pram or sling, take them when they do the shopping. Ensure well stocked with nappies, wipes, toiletries etc. Sort outgrown clothes and store/sell, ensure enough next size clothes.
And that's before you even think about the rest of the household tasks. If only looking after a baby was only the feeding then wouldn't life be easier.

DH did the food shopping and cooking. DS wasn't good at setting in the evening but would zonk out after cluster feeding. I'd hand him over to DH and go to bed for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

And you've not made a rod for your own back, you've responded to your Baby's needs.

Agree with the others, feed the baby, get DH to change them and send them out on a big walk together.

I'm not sure how often LO is feeding but there's nothing stopping him from taking LO out for a couple of hours, especially if he gets the weekend off.

Gosh that's really late to get back from work! Is he around in the mornings to pick up some of the chores then?

But by saying your DH can't settle the baby for naps you're setting yourself up to do everything - if you weren't around he'd have no choice. I know it's hard when the baby takes longer to settle with him but you need to keep persevering with it, of course the baby will settle quicker with you but it doesn't mean he can't learn to do it.

Taking baby out for walks while you shower, nap, relax. Preparing meals and drinks for you. Doing washing etc. Cuddling, entertaining baby. Playing with her. Dressing her. Allow him to do some of the bedtime routine and try to settle her.

He can batch cook so that even if you go to bed early he’s made dinner from the night before

He needs to stop “ helping “ with chores and take responsibility for some of them .

So for example he could do all the laundry or the food shopping and the cooking. That means every part of the job is his .

So before he goes , he needs to write his meal plans for the week, look in the cupboards/ freezer / fridge , make a list, go to the shops and buy it , bring it home , put it away, throw out any out of date / spoilt food , wipe around the fridge , put the packaging in the recycling.

Its no good if he does one small part of that and then claims that he’s “ helping “ you by doing the shopping. He needs to take on the mental load.