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Parenting

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Original poster

Don’t like being a step mum

45 replies

Hurricaine87 · 24/09/2023 13:27

So I really need some advice. A bit of context to the situation- I have a partner of nearly 4 years, we live together. I have a son 11 and a son 18 he has has left home, I also have my niece live with me whom I brought up since age 7. My partner has 2 boys aged 3 and 6. I’m 36 my partner is 32.

my issue is I’m finding it so hard to deal with being a step mum to such young children. I absolutely dread them coming over to stay. They come over for the weekend every fortnight and then for tea the other weekend. I work full time in a very emotionally demanding role. After my working week all I want to do is relax, catch up on housework, shopping, spend time with my children etc
but the weekend they are it is complete chaos and I feel as though my weekend is a complete write off.

My partners ex partner is so difficult, is always sending him abuse, criticising him, me, my children etc etc etc, I could go on. They have been to court for child arrangement orders twice now and she is again initiating further proceedings to change contact again.

i am so resentful of this because my partner is such a good dad, always there for his kids, pays for them and she is never satisfied with this, just bitter to her core over him leaving her.

My 11 year olds dad on the other hand has nothing to with him, doesn’t see him, doesn’t pay for him as he has chosen drugs over him. So therefore, I don’t ever get a break from my own kids, then I’m expected to play mum to my partners kids, go on days out, make sure there’s food in they like, give up my spare room etc etc etc.

my kids are out of these stages and I’ve done all the young kid stuff with my own. Had my first son at 17 so I’ve literally been looking after kids my whole adult life and the fact I don’t get a break from my own son makes me all the more resentful.

so, yes I was fully aware of my partners boys when I got with him but in practice I just did not realise how difficult I would find it. I have tried to speak to my partner about it but he just tells me I’m horrible and selfish for feeling this way. I know that she is going to want him to have more overnight contact within these new proceedings and I just can’t deal with any more. I feel under so much pressure as it is, and the more I think of the future the more I dread it.

Am I being selfish and horrible for feeling this way? Anybody have any advice for me on how to deal with this?

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 24/09/2023 13:30

I think you've been naive to get into this relationship with someone whose ex was pregnant at the time you met.

My advice would be to end it.

I'm 38 with a 16 and 11 yo and there's not a cat in hells chance I'd entertain a man with 2 young kids if anything happened to my DH. The issues were foreseeable imo.

I think you ever need to suck it up or break up. Sorry. I know it's harsh but I think they're you're only 2 options tbh.

ReeseWitherfork · 24/09/2023 13:35

Am I being selfish and horrible for feeling this way?
No, feel how you feel. Lots of people would feel the same, I should think. But agree with PP that you either suck it up or break it off with him, anything else would be selfish and horrible.

Pleaseme · 24/09/2023 13:39

I’d break up with him. Your lives are incompatible right now. Which is an ok thing to admit. You need your home to be a sanctuary away from work. He needs a home where he can raise young children.

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Pleaseme · 24/09/2023 13:40

I’d break up with him. Your lives are incompatible right now. Which is an ok thing to admit. You need your home to be a sanctuary away from work. He needs a home where he can raise young children.

RandomMess · 24/09/2023 13:42

No reason why you can't live apart so he is responsible for his kids when they are with him and you can join in for part of the day but have the sanctuary of your own home.

IsNowTheTime · 24/09/2023 13:44

You’re not selfish and horrible, you’re being honest about the situation. Thing is it will never change as they get older there’ll be other challenges. I was the same, I dreaded their weekends and as they got nearer my mood deteriorated.
on hindsight my MH was in a ditch, if you feel this way now I’d suggest cutting your losses.

Clymene · 24/09/2023 13:49

Well I don't blame her for being difficult - he dumped her while she was pregnant to shack up with you.

I wouldn't want this either. You should be on the home straight now, not starting all over again.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 24/09/2023 13:51

You aren't selfish for feeling this way. Young children are hard. You have been through it all before and were presumably looking forward to some peace as your children got older.
I would say that breaking up seems like the best thing. Its not good for your mental health. If you stay like this you will resent them and that isn't fair on them, even if you go through the motions of being a step mum they will likely pick up on your resentment.

bucketlistice · 24/09/2023 13:52

I’d leave the relationship. You might be compatible with your partner but your lives aren’t compatible.

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/09/2023 13:54

RandomMess · Today 13:42

No reason why you can't live apart so he is responsible for his kids when they are with him and you can join in for part of the day but have the sanctuary of your own “

This. Our kids are adults now. I’d completely forgotten what hard work young ones are until our grandson came along. Wonderful, but would struggle with a whole weekend.

PerfectMatch · 24/09/2023 13:54

I would feel the same OP. My DC are teens and I really can't imagine being step mum to young kids now! It's also a bit unfair of him to call you horrible and selfish - you're only human. Maybe you and your partner need to call it a day?

Ladybug14 · 24/09/2023 13:57

I think ending the relationship is best.

And make sure that you don't date anyone else with small children

Sundaygirl01 · 24/09/2023 14:18

I don’t see how you can live with ‘dreading’ the weekends and as his children are so young you would have to be in this for the long haul.

I think you should call it a day. Even if you lived separately the children would still be around for a whole weekend and as you say, possibly more in the future.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 24/09/2023 14:20

I hated being a sm. Hated the drama. And the lack of dh's parenting. And the mess.. Blissful getting out of that marriage.

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/09/2023 14:21

Sundaygirl01 · Today 14:18

I don’t see how you can live with ‘dreading’ the weekends and as his children are so young you would have to be in this for the long haul.

I think you should call it a day. Even if you lived separately the children would still be around for a whole weekend and as you say, possibly more in the future.”

No need to split. Separate homes are the answer. Partner has his kids on his weekends and OP stays home with hers. Things will ease as they get older.

Mynewnameis · 24/09/2023 14:23

You need to end it or live separately

Hibiscrubbed · 24/09/2023 14:26

I don’t blame you. I couldn’t love anyone else’s children.

However, also this:

Well I don't blame her for being difficult - he dumped her while she was pregnant to shack up with you.

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/09/2023 14:36

I would end it. This will just get worse over time. If you must continue, I’d live separately. Let him deal with his kids and the ex, they are not your responsibility.

Daffodilwoman · 24/09/2023 14:46

I agree with everyone else.
What on earth we’re you thinking of shacking up with a man who had a toddler and another child on the way?
Tell him to move out, you can still see him but on your own terms e.g. when his children aren’t there.

Anoisagusaris · 24/09/2023 14:47

A ‘great dad’ doesn’t leave his pregnant partner to move in with another woman.

did you not think through the implications of getting with a man with a young child and another one yet to be born? Sounds like a massive shit show all round.

smallshinybutton · 24/09/2023 14:50

then I’m expected to play mum to my partners kids here is the problem

Ihadenough22 · 24/09/2023 15:16

You and him are both at different life stages in regards to kid's. You had a child at 17 and your children are now 11 and 18. They are not as dependant on you.
Because of your partner you are still dealing with small kids. They are staying in your home every 2nd weekend and other time's.
Your also aware that the mother of his children wants him to have the kids more.

You have a stressful job and you like to relax on a Friday night and do things at the weekend.
You have spoken to your partner about how you feel and he has called you selfish.

You need to end things with him now because long term his kids situation will get worse.
He will take them more and expect you to be happy with this.
I don't think that your being selfish but you want and need more time for yourself.
I think you need to spend sometime being single. If you get into another relationship have it with someone at your same life stage kids wise.

coolkatt · 24/09/2023 15:45

this is not the fault of the kids.

you have a choice to make. the kids deserve to be with their dad and feel loved and wanted. poor babes.

you need to split up with this guy. if the shoe was on the other foot and ur partner couldn't be fucked with your kids what would u do?
not saying it's easy, but you're the adult. to be honest if you spoke to me about my kids
like that YOU would be dumped on a second.

"give up your spare room"? it's a spare
room, why u so mad about this?

you obv don't want them about so dump them and get on with ur life with someeone with no kids.

rolvus · 24/09/2023 16:51

Why do you have to get in the food that they like?! Can't he? They're his kids ffs. Women need to stop f-ing doing it all. We are running ourselves into the ground, working inside and outside the home, and the men barely do anything.

You'd be absolutely mad to do this, and nobody could blame you for not wanting to. If the relationship is otherwise good, then live separately and don't bother seeing him the weekend he has his kids! You need a rest, not this. I have tweens and often dream about them being grown up and no longer needing me as I'm completely knackered. There's no way I could do it all again.

Livinginanotherworld · 24/09/2023 16:55

So you presumedly got into a relationship with a man with a 3 year and a baby on the way ? What did you actually expect ? That he just dumped them ? Are you the reason why he left his partner pregnant ? Hmmmm, I think maybe you should have thought about that before you wrecked a family.

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