Don’t like being a step mum

[Hurricaine87]

So I really need some advice. A bit of context to the situation- I have a partner of nearly 4 years, we live together. I have a son 11 and a son 18 he has has left home, I also have my niece live with me whom I brought up since age 7. My partner has 2 boys aged 3 and 6. I’m 36 my partner is 32.

my issue is I’m finding it so hard to deal with being a step mum to such young children. I absolutely dread them coming over to stay. They come over for the weekend every fortnight and then for tea the other weekend. I work full time in a very emotionally demanding role. After my working week all I want to do is relax, catch up on housework, shopping, spend time with my children etc
but the weekend they are it is complete chaos and I feel as though my weekend is a complete write off.

My partners ex partner is so difficult, is always sending him abuse, criticising him, me, my children etc etc etc, I could go on. They have been to court for child arrangement orders twice now and she is again initiating further proceedings to change contact again.

i am so resentful of this because my partner is such a good dad, always there for his kids, pays for them and she is never satisfied with this, just bitter to her core over him leaving her.

My 11 year olds dad on the other hand has nothing to with him, doesn’t see him, doesn’t pay for him as he has chosen drugs over him. So therefore, I don’t ever get a break from my own kids, then I’m expected to play mum to my partners kids, go on days out, make sure there’s food in they like, give up my spare room etc etc etc.

my kids are out of these stages and I’ve done all the young kid stuff with my own. Had my first son at 17 so I’ve literally been looking after kids my whole adult life and the fact I don’t get a break from my own son makes me all the more resentful.

so, yes I was fully aware of my partners boys when I got with him but in practice I just did not realise how difficult I would find it. I have tried to speak to my partner about it but he just tells me I’m horrible and selfish for feeling this way. I know that she is going to want him to have more overnight contact within these new proceedings and I just can’t deal with any more. I feel under so much pressure as it is, and the more I think of the future the more I dread it.

Am I being selfish and horrible for feeling this way? Anybody have any advice for me on how to deal with this?

Sorry to say but I don’t think the relationship is going to work. As you said, you knew about the children when you got together. They are part of the package so if you don’t like being around them then there’s not really a future with the dad.

He might be a great dad but children so young need occupied, they need plans and they like attention which is absolutely normal for that age and stage. Either you work out to blend your families together or you end it and focus on your own family and let him focus on his.

I believe your partner is calling your selfish as he has a 3 year old and you two have been together for almost 4 years so I assume he started dating you whilst his ex was pregnant or the baby just born. This isn’t a new thing and something you were prepared to take on from the beginning.

Now separate homes might be a start but sorry what’s the point? That would suggest that you’ll only take an interest on the children when they are much older so a lot of your time with your partner would be separated- he’d go on holidays with his family and you with yours. I’d assume Christmas would be separate etc. either you work through it or end the relationship.

You’re not wrong to feel that way but it doesn’t sound sustainable. I wouldn’t be with someone who called me horrible or selfish anyway. You should be able to talk openly to your partner about anything without fear of personal judgement.

When I became a step mum I didn’t have kids and knew I wanted them. You’re at completely different stages of your lives, if you’ve been parenting for 18 years the prospect of another 15 years must feel a lot and you’re sensible to walk away if it’s not something you want.

It doesn’t sound like a good set up. Live apart and he can parent his kids alone during his contact time with them. Or split up. No shame in changing your mind.

I'd live separately meet up when he has kids for a few hours but don't taking on the responsibilities of parenting them. And spend the me together when he doesn't have kids

Your partner expects you to do the parental tasks that he can't be arsed to do which aren't your responsibility and for your whole life to centre on his very young kids and isn't prepared to give you a break and your the one who is selfish?

He left his ex whilst she was pregnant. Do you think this would make her easy to deal with? Do you think that was ever going to be a relationship which would be friendly? Is leaving your gf whilst pregnant for another women the action of someone who is a) loving and considerate b) a selfish bastard who only thinks about himself?

Is he a good Dad? Maybe. But he's a shithead of a partner who expects you to do wife work without complaint. And then gaslights you when you say it's causing an issue.

You are at a stage of life where you no longer want to do this shit. How is that different to him deciding staying with the ex wasn't for him? He basically picked a replacement dogsbody to do wife work so he didn't have to do it. He feels this shit isn't his responsibility. So why should you do it?

Dump. You only live once.

You shacked up with a man who left his pregnant partner with a toddler. I have no words about that. Just…speechless.

I don’t think living apart from him will work. The minute you put any space between you and him he’ll move in with another woman so save yourself the bother and just end it.

I'm afraid that I agree that this relationship isn't the right one for you at the moment. You're caring for a 7 year old, and you'll be free of the 'little kid' stuff in a few short years. That will be your time to find another partner who is in the right place for you to share your life with.

And he sounds like a misogynist who thinks women are there to do the things that he doesn't want to do.

Which doesn't have to be your problem if you vote with your feet.

I haven’t read this entire thread so “off the top of my head” sadly you are incompatible simply because you are at different life stages.

You are ready to spread your wings and fly a bit, not take on someone else’s kids.

Sad to say, I’d finish this relationship. Don’t exhaust yourself any further with it all. Do what you have to do and get it over with.

My partners ex partner is so difficult, is always sending him abuse, criticising him, me, my children etc etc etc, I could go on. They have been to court for child arrangement orders twice now and she is again initiating further proceedings to change contact again.

i am so resentful of this because my partner is such a good dad, always there for his kids, pays for them and she is never satisfied with this, just bitter to her core over him leaving her.

I wonder if the ex would recognise this prince among men.

OP'S partner is the one who wrecked his family. However, I hope OP is doubling up on contraception. Adding an Ours to this His and Mine would be an even bigger disaster.

Could you go back to living separately? I completely understand your point, your stepkids ages are very demanding and after doing the toddler stage it is hard to go back to it. Could you not just make plans with your kids for the weekend and your OH can make plans with his. They'll not be interested in the same things anyway. An 11yo isn't going to want to go to softplay etc.

Also make sure your OH is responsible for picking up after them and cleaning up any mess they make. That shouldn't be left to you and will only add to your resentment. He also needs to just ignore any comments from his ex. Tell him to look up grey rock method. She'll get bored eventually when she's not getting a rise out of him.

Were you the OW, OP?

I wonder if part of the issue here is it sounds like there’s too much expectation on you to parent his children (thinking about their food needs, days out, clearing up after them etc. is what he should be doing), especially when you’ve already done your turn of this with your own children. He maybe doesn’t realize the level of effort involved as it seems like he’s gone straight from having his ex and now you to take care of them. Ultimately he needs to learn that’s his job.

That’s why I think it would be best all round to at least live separately, so he can get used to taking full responsibility for his children and you can join the fun stuff like having days out together (that he needs to plan and he can arrange everything his children will need for the day etc.)

To be honest, if you knowingly got with a man whose gf was pregnant - why? Did you think he was a real prize or did you think it was his partners fault he was to leave? Get out and leave those poor little kids to be parented by their parents. Next time, raise your standards - for everyone.

Why has this thread from last year been resurrected?

Hi op. I can see most of the advice isn’t helpful, at the end of the day he has left his ex and he has got two children. So if you leave him as advised only do it if you do not love him and you feel it will never work. Otherwise you will have to develop coping strategies. I had the same, my own son at 17, never saw his real father and two step children (met them at 5 & 8) and a very difficult ex. However, we have moved on years from then, I love my step children, have grandchildren and feel very blessed. But it was tough at times. Every holiday , all my weekends etc etc where I never had a break. But you have to embrace it, make sure you make time for yourself (I often used to go shopping for a couple of hours on my own whilst they went swimming or an early evening bath and read a book with a glass of wine) I told my DH I needed this time out and he agreed. Never be their parent, keep out of domestic quarrels where possible and just carry on with normality with quiet support. These children do not ask for this, I was a step child too and was treated appallingly and I vowed I would never treat any child like that. Remember these trying times are never forever and it’s only a few days a month.

ZOMBIE

I think you should split up. You don't want these kids around, you're unhappy and resentful even with the bare minimum of contact - how are you going to cope if your partner and his ex decide 50/50 shared care works better? He is just as much their parent as she is, so there's no reason to assume that he will always have them less than she does. Contact arrangements often fluctuate according to the needs of the children and it would be wrong for your feelings to be the factor that prevents him from being an equal parent. You could even end up having to deal with them full time, if anything happens to their mother. Best to make a clean break now, if you can't see a future as a properly blended family with all of the children welcome.

I think being a stepmother is often a really shitty experience. You get all the work of being a mum with none of the nice bits.
Well that was my experience of it anyway. Tried my best for 15 years with two children who were 7 and 9 when my relationship with their father started. Reorganised my house and life to accommodate them, numerous school runs, organising and taking them to clubs and activities, all the cooking and cleaning, buying presents.
Where did it get me? Nowhere. Never as much as a birthday card let alone any sort of thanks or acceptance.
Maybe it was worse because I am not a children person and have never had or wanted my own but I did everything I possibly could.
I would warn anyone contemplating a relationship with a man who has children to think long and hard.

Ugh, @OooScotland revived this ZOMBIE THREAD 🙄

There's an identical thread running, that OPs boyfriend also barely ever sees his child-same amount as this bloke. Disgraceful.
Just dump him, obviously dating a man when there's so many kids involved (barely, on his part) was going to be unenjoyable. Not in your traumatized nieces best interests to be made to live with some random man, either.