My husband says we are sh*t parents!

[Mum9900]

I struggle with being good enough as a parent as it is, but he often talks about how sht we are as parents and it really gets me down. It's like he includes us both so he's not just saying it to me, but it's me that he hurts. It's the usual stuff, screen time, not eating well etc. Our kids are 17, 14 and 12 and we've recently started going out a few hours at a time to go down the local pub. He says we are sht parents cos we go out drinking and leave the kids home alone, but I think they are old enough to spend a few hours alone. I can't stop thinking about it and I want to be a great Mum but I am not sure about anything.

Has it occurred to your DH not to go to the pub? I assume you're not marching him down there at gunpoint?

Going to the pub frequently isn’t being a good role model. Going out to exercise regularly is. So tell him to get off his arse, cook a nutritious meal, then take you all out for a walk.

You say you want to be a great mum. What areas of parenting do you want to be better at?

Is this for real?

How often are you leaving them at home to go out drinking? There’s a huge difference in whether the frequency makes you a shit parent or not.

Nothing wrong with going to the pub as long as it’s not every night. Your kids aren’t babies!

I’d say ‘Yes I think you’re right. What are you going to do about it? How do you want to reduce their screen time?’ And then leave him to handle it or go back home to be with the kids when you stay at the pub.

Fwiw it’s making you feel shit because he is telling you you are a crap parent in a PA way. And ofc isn’t doing ANYTHING about addressing the problems. He only highlights them to you instead and us waiting fur you to do sonething about it.

Why are you not asking the question about the OP’s DH going out to the pub - seeing that they are at the pub together?
Is him being at the pub not as bad?

What do you think? Do you agree with him or do you think things are fine the way they are?

If you think he has a point, maybe ask him how he thinks the two of you can support each other to be better parents and also get a break.

No, and when he's not at the pub he's in the golf club!

I exercise regularly at the gym and my eldest has started coming with me too. I drag the teens out to walk the dog with me often, and take them places most weekends.

When I was 14 I was paid to babysit a one year old and a three year old while their parents went to the pub.

The idea that you are bad parents for leaving your 12 year old, your 14 year old and your 17 year old home alone for an evening is batshit.

Seems to me at least 1 dc should be getting a golf membership off Santa and tagging along with df..

Why?

Once every few weeks I suppose.

Based on what you've said, I think I would respond as follows: "No, you're a shit parent, DH, not me. I'm a good enough parent although it's a struggle sometimes. I make an effort to do stuff with our kids and to spend time with them. You don't. If you want to change this, then I'll support you, but you've only got a few years left to turn it around before the kids leave home and aren't interested."

Do YOU think you're shit parents? How often are the pub trips?

If it's infrequent and the kids are all fine when you get back, you're teaching them appropriate independence. If it's so often that they aren't getting enough of your attention (they feel neglected, you don't talk to them about their lives or know what's going on with their homework) or they are not yet capable id making good choices (you come home to empty drinks cans and all they've done is eat I've creams and sit on their phones instead of having dinner and getting showered etc)....Then probably they aren't ready t be left regularly. 12 does sound on the young side to me if its for several hours, presumably those that include dinner and/or getting ready for bed.

Be honest with yourself. Are they having too much screen time? Do they have an acceptable diet (teenagers will eat some crap!)? Do you get enough time with them? Use your OWN judgement. If it turns out you agree with DH, then you both need to handle it. If you don't, well, then he should decide how he wants to handle their habits. How is HE going to encourage healthier eating? Does he model it?

This makes no sense, if he thinks it’s shit parenting then why he is going to the pub? And of course it’s fine to leave kids of those ages so long as it’s not every night, which it doesn’t sound like it is.

Or is a bad attempt at a joke? ‘Haha look at us out on the town without the kids aren’t we naughty’.

It doesn’t matter if you’re going to the pub, out to exercise, dogging, whatever… it’s having a few hours leisure time. Parents get to have leisure time too, no point martyring yourself for the kids. If he doesn’t want to leave them alone, then book a babysitter (not sure how well that’s going to go down with a 17 year old!)

I should think once you’ve been parenting for 17 years that you’ve probably got some decent evidence of whether you’re a good parent. Are your kids spending their time kicking puppies? Or are they decent, well rounded, pleasant people? Doing OK in school?

So what does he think you should both do about it then?!

If he doesn’t want to leave them alone, then book a babysitter (not sure how well that’s going to go down with a 17 year old!)

No. Sorry but no.
If he doesn’t want to leave them alone, then HE books a babysitter.
Im not sure why the OP should do it when 1- it’s not her idea and 2- she actually think it’s good fir them to stay alone every now and then

This.

I didn’t mean she should book a babysitter. I just meant that a babysitter is the solution to his “leaving them alone” problem. It’s a ridiculous solution though, but it’s his only reasonable one.

Going to the pub s few time a month and leaving them home alone doesn’t make you a bad parent.
When he says ‘not eating well’ what does that mean? Constant junk food, sausage rolls for snacks and no home cooked healthy fair? Also who is cooking/shopping and meal planning? If it’s all you tell him to take a turn and show you how it’s done.
I think telling your wife she is a bad parent is bad parenting.

Bridge.