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Original poster

Pre-school assessment for my child - feel like a crap parent

33 replies

Yorkshiremummy2023 · 21/09/2023 22:46

Firstly I'm probs wrong to feel this but just had a pre-school assessment back for my son who is 3.5 years old and it may help to get some perspective from others. Only things they could say were going well for him were - when he arrives at pre-school he cracks straight on and starts playing and is happy in himself, he's good at climbing (has spacial awareness?) and likes the outdoors.

Everything else you can think of though needs work - his speech, he's easily distracted,doesn't listen to instruction, he's still using nappies (although goes on a potty), he lacks confidence to join in group convos ...eurgh feel like the worst parent after reading this.

up to now we have let him steer the pace of a lot of this as he's still under 5. We go out and about regularly and always spend lots of time with other kids in parks etc as well as nursery.

I dont want to suddenly start rushing him to catch up and make him upset.

Any advice please either how to deal with these things there pointing out or how to process the assessment in your experiences ? 🙏 🙈

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Clymene · 21/09/2023 22:48

Don't send him to a shitty private school which will make you feel he's failing when he isn't?

crumblingschools · 21/09/2023 22:49

Have you had his hearing checked?

headstone · 21/09/2023 22:49

I think you’re taking it all too seriously, he is only 3.5 and will change considerably over time.

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Wanderinghome · 21/09/2023 23:00

Is he happy in himself? If he is unhappy or struggling then I'd maybe seek help but if he's happy then it sounds like following his pace is working for him. I don't really think anything mentioned is outside of what is expected for a child of his age.

AnnaBlush · 21/09/2023 23:04

Only things they could say were going well for him were - when he arrives at pre-school he cracks straight on and starts playing and is happy in himself, he's good at climbing (has spacial awareness?) and likes the outdoors.

1) cracks straight on - So your child is confident going into a group/ newish environment! Do you not think you have a role instilling that confidence in him?
Additionally that means he is managing transition between home and education setting- that’s an emotional ability he exhibits
If we walks straight in - without clinging to your leg or becoming upset - that suggests he is secure in his relationship. He goes into an environment with new staff/ effectively strangers with a belief that it will be positive - that’s could reflect a positive attachment

  1. Happy in himself - again confident and secure. I really think a child feeling safe and secure is the most important thing. He is not anxious. He can hopefully catch up in his fine motor development etc - but emotional security is so I much more complex

  2. good at climbing - that Suggests he has good gross motor skills. Climbing takes concentration. Climbing requires a child to assess risks. A child who has overly anxious parents - may be too scared to even climb/test the body abilities

I am not minimising your worries - just didn’t want you to minimise his abilities and your contribution either

Hopefully the- preschool gave you some suggestions re areas of work/ types of play to focus on at home
I have a friend who is a stickler for good speech- despite all her efforts her wee girl ended up needing speech and language at 6 - did she feel guilty no she tried her best.
The feedback from my daughter pre school highlighted her fine motor skills were delayed ( amongst other things). I was worried but I also knew I had been focusing so much on helping her develop her gross motor skills ( which were delayed) that I had overlooked that
Clearly you care and that is really good he has you in his corner. You are not a crap parent!

UsingChangeofName · 21/09/2023 23:17

What do you mean by "Pre-school assessment" ?

If this actually an assessment ? That he has to pass for some reason ?

Or do you mean a parents meeting with his Nursery ? Or a meeting to share their concerns with you ?

Original poster
Yorkshiremummy2023 · 21/09/2023 23:37

Thanks @Clymene, I do agree with you

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Yorkshiremummy2023 · 21/09/2023 23:38

@crumblingschools no, not since he was a baby but I have to take him to docs for seasonal flu vaccination so will ask if they can do that then

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Original poster
Yorkshiremummy2023 · 21/09/2023 23:40

@headstone I could be absolutley! But I'm human, this just got to me.. can't say much more than that

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Yorkshiremummy2023 · 21/09/2023 23:43

@Wanderinghome he is yeah very and don't want to alter that. I feel like he always try his best so yeah it is probs just a worry of mine more then anything after reading this

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Yorkshiremummy2023 · 21/09/2023 23:47

Thanks @AnnaBlush for your perspective on it. I probs just panicked a bit when I read it and don't want him to fall behind. We didn't getany guidance from them in terms of ways to approach the areas of development, just merely pointing them out so that may be something I could speak to them about.

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Yorkshiremummy2023 · 21/09/2023 23:50

@UsingChangeofName it's just similar to a school report I guess. They assess where a child is developmentally in different areas. The majority he is 'as expected' they grade on ALOT of points. The narrative on the report however talked a lot about the areas of development so my focus was heavily there. It's something they do for ofsted at regular intervals I think its every 6 months

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surreygirl1987 · 21/09/2023 23:55

Oh gosh honestly don't worry. They're all over the place at that age. My youngest son is 3 and he keeps pooping in his pants (his pre school won't allow nappies) and is so so defiant. They change very quickly at that age.

Discwriter · 22/09/2023 00:01

My DS would not have passed this assessment if he had to take it. He developed in leaps and bounds between 4 and 5. Sometimes they look for things to critique, I wouldn't put any more thought into it OP if I were you, your dc sounds perfectly normal for 3.5!

Chasetherainblownfearsaway · 22/09/2023 00:07

Is there a reason why he's not potty-trained? 3.5 isn't unheard of but it is on the late side. It would make sense to have a plan for tackling that.

iminvestednow · 22/09/2023 00:07

Chill out! If they were worried about him it would be flagged and at their age it would have to be pretty severe!
They want to help him, work with them take on any guidance and if they say he needs an EhCP when he goes to school, listen!

crumblingschools · 22/09/2023 00:14

If he is mainly at expected then there shouldn’t be much to worry about and they are always going to put something down for development as at that age they will be continually developing

UsingChangeofName · 22/09/2023 00:22

crumblingschools · 22/09/2023 00:14

If he is mainly at expected then there shouldn’t be much to worry about and they are always going to put something down for development as at that age they will be continually developing

This.

So, what you've actually been told is that he is developing within expected age range.
That's quite different from what you've put in the OP.

It is helpful to lots of parents to know 'what's next' in child development.

I'm surprised you need it saying, but if he is still in nappies at 3.5, then yes, it is something to work on.

Ponderingwindow · 22/09/2023 00:34

The only things that jump out there are the nappies and the speech. With regards to the speech, if they gave you cause for concern or you are worried, then request a follow up and see if he needs an official evaluation for speech. If they were just saying he doesn’t speak much in groups, then he might just be naturally quiet and I wouldn’t worry.

Original poster
Yorkshiremummy2023 · 22/09/2023 00:34

@UsingChangeofName look I appreciate your comments but I was just looking for reassurance from other parents about my own concerns.. (I said in the first line of my OP... I'm probs worrying too much) it was more then just nappies they commented on. I was also asking for suggestions about approaching these areas. I thought that's what Mumsnet was for ? Have I triggered you in some way by a mother having worries about her son ?

And no you've taken it out of context what I said, I said that there are a lot of areas that he's as expected yes.. but there's other areas that he's been graded as below his age range and those are the areas I was worried about.

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Gagaandgag · 22/09/2023 00:39

Op - teacher here. Please please try not to read too much into all of this. It’s not a race. I have known plenty of early 4 year olds still in nappies. Just try and enjoy him

Original poster
Yorkshiremummy2023 · 22/09/2023 00:42

@Ponderingwindow yes, it's hard with the nappies because he does go on the potty, but have to put him on. He doesn't seem to know when he needs to go or at least doesn't verbalise it. It may be that we just need to go for it and stick it out in pants for a few days and stop falling back on nappies.

With his speech he doesn't fully pronounce words I think that's what they were talking about.

The hard part is they have sent this report without fully explaining in the areas he needs to work on, how they will support he's in preschool 4 days a week so however they approach it it would make sense to continue to it at home and vice versa.

I think I'm probs going to ask to see them about it

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Yorkshiremummy2023 · 22/09/2023 00:53

@Gagaandgag thank youuuuu! Yeah they gave us a grading with a narrative report pointing these things out but yet didn't fully explain what they meant. Like with his speech, what areas exactly does he need to work on. I've filled in the blanks with this and think it's his pronounciation he doesn't start/end word fully and the shock horror of nappies.. he does use the potty happily and is very proud but doesn't tell them he needs the loo he waits for them and I THINK that's what they meant. He's our only child after 5 losses and he was premature. So we obvs think world of him and want him to be happy that's the main thing for us. But iam guilty of worrying about him when it comes to stuff like this.

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Godlovesall26 · 22/09/2023 12:12

I’d definitely ask for a meeting OP.
On the positive side, nothing sounds alarming enough to have sleepless nights about, just that a few areas need work, I’d probably be happy that they know him this well in a way, and that they’re telling you at 3.5. Maybe that’s a reason for the blunt language, they know children develop in different things at different rates and he can get there for the under expected age stuff, most kids I’d expect would have a mix of those. You sound like a dedicated mum so no doubt you’ll get there. You’ll get a better idea of if this is the spirit by meeting them I’d imagine. Just ask them for advice, re the nappies for ex (maybe you can train without on weekends for example), you’ll soon see.

Also agree with pp that happy in himself is so huge, so you’ve definitely done good. If he could go to school next year, it’s good that they’re highlighting issues to work on now I’d say. You’ll know more by meeting.

lorisparkle · 22/09/2023 12:29

I would not worry unduly but I think a hearing test would be really useful. Children can be quite good at appearing to hear everything but are in fact following visual cues. Especially if they have glue ear and are not hearing certain frequencies/letter sounds.

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