Enabling partner to become more responsible

[Godsplan21]

Hi all, I live with my husband and although we dont have children yet, I am still the one that is responsible for most things (shopping, changing utilities if needed, ordering dog food, arranging insurance, birthdays, etc). I am currently pregnant and dont want this to continue once the additional responsibility of school runs, trips, uniform, play dates etc kicks in. Give me your tips on behaviour that you have changed in yourself to enable your partner to do more.

I would rather this doesnt become a men bashing thread, more a positive way to encourage equality within the home.

Lets go......

Why does he need enabling? I’d start with your thinking as it’s a bit odd. No one enables men to behave like the adults they are. If yours can hold down paid employment he can organise grocery shopping and insurance. Why couldn’t he?

Who did everything for him before you did?

You're being optimistic having a baby with him before being sure he can step up and do boring but necessary things without being managed.

I’d start by saying you need to review the devision of responsibilities now before the baby arrives, lay out who does what now, suggest changes you feel are necessary and see what he says.

How he responds will depend on why he doesn’t do things at the moment.

Sit down and have a conversation with him.

Why does he need enabling to be more responsible? Just divide up between you what needs doing? Why have you ended up doing everything now?

Have a convo about who is going to do what when the baby is here.

I found that the less you do of the household / childcare tasks, the more your OH has to do.
you’re enabling him at the moment, you need to stop enabling him!

Definitely talk to him about shared responsibilities for when your baby is born

Fair Play have some cards you can sit down with and they help you work through all the things that need to be done in a family and divide them up. I would also recommend clear divides in project areas, so one job and related tasks for one person. Like all meals, shopping, and meal prep with one person. All prep for nursery, clothes buying and pack lunches etc. don't step in if he doesn't do it. He suffers the consequences. You also don't get to get annoyed he doesn't do it in your way to your standard as long as it's done properly.
Might be important to understand why you are doing everything right now and he feels he doesn't have to. As it doesn't massively bode well. Good luck with it x

@Godsplan21 look into the Fair Play book/cards. The cards are a fun way you can sit down together and divide up household tasks. If you're interested, the book gives more detail eg that person needs to take whole responsibility for the task from start to finish (eg doing the washing would involve knowing when washing powder was low and getting more, putting the clothes away etc)

Thanks @Lily124 and @Cornflakes44 for the recommendation on Fair play. I will look into it.

I said I do MOST not ALL, and have stated a few tasks. I'd be extremely suprised if many couples didnt have some kind of imbalance so am not about to explain exactly what he contribute's and why we are married and about to have a child, but thanks for y'all's concern.

If your relationships are so perfectly balanced then this is the place to share how you achieve that balance rather then give me advise on my choice of spouse 😊

So you're responsible for making him more responsible? Jesus wept.

How did it become unbalanced in the first place?

I know 🙄

Also ask him what his plans are for night feeds.

Erm we don't have imbalance or arguments about who does what. He works I expect to do some of the things you mentioned tbh doesn't bother me and when he's home we just automatically do what needs done housework or making tea sorting kids etc

How has it ended up you currently doing the most?

DH and I both work full time. Always have. The running of our home and family is joint as we are a family. We shared nursery, breakfast and after school drop offs and collection. Both organised play dates and after school activities, dental appointments, time off work when DT’s were ill, both did night feeds, shopped for their clothes and shoes etc.

Whilst I agree with many PP about how it shouldn't be 'on you' to get him to pull his weight, my one tip when baby arrives is not to fall into the habit of asking for permission.

'Could you watch the baby while I go for a shower?' --> 'im going for a shower'

'is it ok if I head out for an hour for a haircut?' --> 'by the way I've got a haircut booked at x time on y date'

You get the gist.

How did you become responsible for most things? Especially if you both work full time.

You just need to stop doing most things and I'd start with birthdays, especially if it means that you're fully responsible for buying, wrapping and sending birthday presents for his side of the family. If he forgets? Oh well, not your responsibility.

You need to look into why he doesn't do more.

"Enabling him to do more" sounds like you forbid him from doing it because of control issues which I assume is not the case.

You need to tell him that you need him to step up and do more because he's an adult man who should be doing his fair share plus you're pregnant and might not always be able to do the tasks that you used to do. For example, cooking frequently had me puking because of morning day and night sickness

I'll assume from the username and the y'all you are American and vaguely traditional. Culture plays a huge part in gender roles and if he was raised in a way that makes him think things are your job, it will be hard to change.

Does he want to be an equal partner?

If your relationships are so perfectly balanced then this is the place to share how you achieve that balance rather then give me advise on my choice of spouse

It’s primarily down to one’s choice of spouse. That’s the point. If you marry a fully formed grown up who takes responsibility for feeding and cleaning for themselves you’ll have fewer issues.

A man who doesn’t bother to clean up after himself isn’t one who’ll notice nappies are running low and go buy some. If he won’t shop and cook he won’t make bottles or feed you while you feed the baby. If he doesn’t remember his mother’s birthday without prompting he won’t arrange anything for your baby’s.

Not sure what you want people to say. But I wish you luck.

You start off by reviewing how much leisure time you each have and what responsibilities you each have moving forward to make it equal.

You then discuss if looking after a baby or child is seen as "work" or "leisure time". This is key because it's not leisure time...

A comment from another thread running tonight by a woman with a baby and a partner who’s not pulling his weight:

”Tbh it's not something I noticed until I had a baby i think I just never realised before as it was just us and no one else was involved.”

We have split responsibilities for particular bills. He has water, council tax, internet. I do gas/elec, netflixs etc, cleaner, window cleaner. We both sort our own mobile phones.

For our children he has always done anything to do with bathing except when he’s not here. I breastfeed so he does every nappy when he’s home apart from the middle of the night ones. Don’t worry I do plenty when he’s not here!

I do all the kids admin apart from he buys all the presents for taking to parties, he buys all the shoes, clothes, uniform, kit for hobbies. This suits us as he loves shopping and I have always hated it.

So pick things that you are happy to give over control for and then do that and then step back and let him get on with it without reminders.

The other thing I did when we first had a baby whenever he would ask me what to do I would ask him what he thought he should do instead of jumping in with instructions.

Well you already decided to have his baby before you 'enabled' him from within, so I guess my only advice is pray?

Divide everything up between you, write it on a list and pin it to the fridge. You have free rein to nag if he isn't doing his share. It works eventually!