Toddler hates washing his hair. Am I right to think DP made it worse?

[OatmilkLauren]

I need some advice. Almost 3 year old DS absolutely hates his hair washed. Actually I would say he’s more terrified now.
Since the beginning I was trying my best to minimise it and distract him - toys, splashing water etc, and then quickly lather up the hair and wash it off. It seemed to work. He still didn’t like it ( as any other kid I know ), but at least it wasn’t that bad and after few tears he would be totally fine and continue to play in the bath.
Well….. My partner seems to have a totally different approach to this which I’m not sure is the best. Basically he just takes the shower head, brutally wet this head, face, with no warning. DS of course screams. Then he takes the shampoo. All over his face and eyes. And then wash it off.
I tried to tell him EVERY DAMN TIME, to please be more gentle. There’s no need to be this brutal. Does he listen? Of course no.

So now we have come to the point when DS gets hysterical and screams like his leg is being chopped of. He screams when he sees the shampoo bottle being in my hands. Not just cry. It’s blood curling scream. He keeps crying, screaming and saying “ mummy stop, please stop, no no, stop the shower. Please mummy love you”. He tries to get out, he practically jumps out of the bath. He’s never been like this with me before. And honestly all I do is blame DP of his method. He just doesn’t care how he washes the hair, where the water or soap goes. It’s like literally washing a car.

Is there any way how can I minimise his fear again, to how he was before? How can I calm him?

What the fuck is wrong with your husband?! I wouldn't be letting him wash DS again

Could you get him a new bath toy to make the bath more exciting? And maybe a fun jug for washing his hair and see if he wants to help you wash it

That's pretty awful of your partner. Agree with PP, get fun toy and jug for doing it.

Genuinely I think you've got bigger problems here than your todddler's hair. Is your DH like this in relation to other things - i.e. ignoring you, not caring about your child's comfort? Lots of red flags here imo.

Your husband is obviously in the wrong.

How often do you wash his hair? It doesn't need doing often at this age!

Your DP definitely needs to be more gentle. Try it on him and see if he likes it!

We don't use shampoo on DC (4 and 6), just rinse in warm bath water. Their hair is fine, doesn't smell or look greasy or anything. You could just try leaving the shampoo out of it, and being extra gentle? We hold a dry flannel on DC foreheads to absorb any splashy bits and pour water over with a cup to rinse the hair.

That's awful. I do think they kind of just have to suck it up. My 3yo screams like she's being murdered.

But to not even try keep the water off his face is cruel.

My 5yo likes to hold a face cloth over her face and eyes, she calls it her goggles and it's made things easier.

Agree you may have bigger problems though.

All over his face and eyes?! He sounds deranged. I'm not sure I could get over the temptation to give him a taste of his own medicine.

You could also try a visor thing that fits around DSs forehead and stops so much water going in their eyes? I picked one up from Boots when DD had a particularly squirmy phase and wouldn't look up whilst i was rinsing. So now she can keep on playing with her bath toys whilst im rinsing off her hair.

Flannel over the eyes might help?
Would he help you wash your hair as a hairdresser type game?

He needs to stop bathing him.

So my second was like this.

I bought a second hand angel seat, the baby lie back one. She's now four and still climbs on lies back and gets her hair done. No soap in eyes. Actually thinking about it the five year old does the same. Then I lift it out the bath.

Never had an issue since, except if away and I forget it.

Your 'd'h is vile, do not ever let him near bath time again. Why do people think it's ok to do things to children that they would never allow to be done to them.

So clearly your dh is an utter dickhead, I'd be wondering how to handle that...

How nasty and unsympathetic of your husband! I don't like water in my eyes even now as an adult, let alone a small child!
Firstly, I would stop your husband doing hair washing because you need to gain your child's trust back which has been totally lost right now.
You can get face guard things now I think? When mine were little, I used to give them a flannel to put over their faces and encourage them to put their heads back. Wrung the flannel as many times as they needed and went at their pace.
Your poor little child.

Wtf, your partner is a dick. He will have petrified him and made the fear so much worse. Don't let him wash his hair again and give your son a break from having his hair washed. Then slowly reintroduce it using the ways you have before, he will get used to it again.

This. I would go absolutely ballistic with the husband.

I agree your dh is your biggest problem here. You need to get him on board fast.

Some good suggestions above. If you can't make progress, I'd consider cutting his hair really short and just mopping it with damp flannels for a bit.

Stop your DP doing bathtime immediately and give him a right bollocking.

Stop using shampoo for a while, encourage your poor child to get used to just having wet hair.
Slowly slowly reintroduce a little bit of shampoo, we also used to do flannel over the eyes.

There's definitely a balance to be struck. My 5 yo SCREAMS bloody murder getting her hair washed and does the 'mummy mummy noooooo!' stuff like she's suffering horribly. After years of this I've realised the best thing to do is just get on, and do it quick, and sometimes that involves a bit of... force isn't the right word but being gently gently and distractions etc don't work and prolong the hell.

That said I do my best to keep it off her face and eyes. We have a towel on hand which she puts over her face and eyes - is that an option?

Thank you for your replies! Wasn’t expecting that many in a short time. Some good advice to think about, thank you..

Is your husband rough with your child in other contexts?

Yep.
I agree with PPs - stop using the shower, use a jug or cup for gentle rinsing, use a visor or flannel on his forehead. He’ll grow out of this fear, but not if your husband carries on treating him with such spite. He’s heading towards causing the poor child to have a full blown phobia.

Your DH sounds deranged but have you tried swimming goggles? My DD was fine once she realised it wouldn’t get in her eyes!

Is your partner your child's father? Either way he should not be allowed anywhere near your child at bathtime. There is no justification for being so rough. Does he also 'discipline' your child physically?

Try a face visor/protector. You can get them very cheaply on eBay. Was a game changer for my toddler and made hair washing tolerable. Little kids can be genuinely terrifed of water on their face and in their eyes.

Your husband is bullying his own 3yr old son, what's wrong with him?