Toddler hates washing his hair. Am I right to think DP made it worse?

[OatmilkLauren]

I need some advice. Almost 3 year old DS absolutely hates his hair washed. Actually I would say he’s more terrified now.
Since the beginning I was trying my best to minimise it and distract him - toys, splashing water etc, and then quickly lather up the hair and wash it off. It seemed to work. He still didn’t like it ( as any other kid I know ), but at least it wasn’t that bad and after few tears he would be totally fine and continue to play in the bath.
Well….. My partner seems to have a totally different approach to this which I’m not sure is the best. Basically he just takes the shower head, brutally wet this head, face, with no warning. DS of course screams. Then he takes the shampoo. All over his face and eyes. And then wash it off.
I tried to tell him EVERY DAMN TIME, to please be more gentle. There’s no need to be this brutal. Does he listen? Of course no.

So now we have come to the point when DS gets hysterical and screams like his leg is being chopped of. He screams when he sees the shampoo bottle being in my hands. Not just cry. It’s blood curling scream. He keeps crying, screaming and saying “ mummy stop, please stop, no no, stop the shower. Please mummy love you”. He tries to get out, he practically jumps out of the bath. He’s never been like this with me before. And honestly all I do is blame DP of his method. He just doesn’t care how he washes the hair, where the water or soap goes. It’s like literally washing a car.

Is there any way how can I minimise his fear again, to how he was before? How can I calm him?

My DS hated having his hair washed. He also went through phases when he would only go in the bath or only go in the shower. But still hated hair washes.

We got him to put a flannel over his eyes. In the bath, he meant back and we used a rubber lipped jug thing to rinse the water off. Got it in boots in the baby section. Life saver.

In the shower, flannel on eyes and then I (GENTLY) pushed his forehead with the tip of my finger so his head was under the water but not his face and his hair rinsed that way. He wasn't hurt, he knew what was happening and would stand a step in front of the water so he could lean his head back and his hair was the only thing under water.

It probably looked like I was trying to wsterboard him, but these were the only two ways we could do it without him panicking and screaming.

Blimey.
My dd went through a phase of really hating having her hair washed, for a while it took two of us to actually enable us to do it without getting water in her eyes.
She didn't want her long curly hair cut though... if I'd had a boy I think I'd have got him a buzz cut and then just sponged his hair.

Is he unable to respond empathetically in other situations? Does he read other people's needs and emotions?

DH can be quite task focused and forget that the task involves a breathing feeling being. He's inclined to see them as awkward rather than understanding they aren't ready/in the right position etc.

To help your DS get over it, have a bowl of soapy water prepared on the side of the bath. Wipe his head with a soapy flannel. He doesn't need to get wet or to see the shampoo bottle.

Also, give him an empty shampoo bottle to play with. It will help him break the association.

My husband also did this to our son. He was practically waterboarding him, absolutely tramatised him. In his defence, my husband was suffering from depression + had no empathy. But also being a dick.
Follow the advice above, it does work in the end. Make sure only you attempt to wash his hair. Ditch shampoo for a bit. Buy something new to help make it different. I did a new jug + googles, the large skuba-mask style. Keep very calm, its all about building trust + confidence. I used to wet the hair working up from the back, stopping when he is scared. Bluetack a picture on the ceiling for him to look at. And don't wash hair at every bath time, so every bath is not a fight.
You will get there, but it will take a while. My son now washes his own hair in the bath now. Years later I'm still working on trying to get him to use the shower because of this.
Also if you are not going swimming reguarly, its probably a good idea to try swimming again. To remind him water is fun. Mine hadn't been in a while, forgot what swimming was like, got splashed + decided it was scary like hair washing. It took to get over than one too.

Honestly I would have water boarded anyone who did that to my child. How did restrain yourself?

Honestly he wouldn't get within a mile of my child again.

It is hard enough having to hold a child for a necessary unpleasant task e.g. blood test etc but you offer comfort and know it is for the best. To purposely traumatise a child baffles me.

Get a hair washing halo for your son. When your dp is in the bath, give him a taste of his own medicine.

Also maybe try washing it upside down? Less water on face and it's a novelty

Ask your DH if he would like you to wash his hair, wetting his head with the shower spray when he wasn't looking, smother his face & head with shampoo then put the shower over his face & head to remove the shampoo. He's cruel.

Jeez - did your dh watch 24 and think it was a parenting guide?
I'd fucking punch him in the face if he did that to me, let alone to a child!

I have not rtft yet, I admit. But honestly, I read your op and just feel so angry! Your poor, poor boy. To be left terrified by a fucking vicious bully. I do not often say it, but I would ltb. I can see him maybe (stupidly) trying once, but to repeat it with a scared wee boy? It is a form of torture.

You can get hair washing jugs that are soft, you press them against baby's forehead as your washing and the water falls straight back. Avoids water going on their face or in their eyes.

DD would scream the house down from the ages of 2-4 whenever her hair was washed; but we had to do it as she's always had thick, curly hair and I can't brush it without washing it (or spraying it) even now.
She's 8 now and I can actually use the shower on her without her freaking out but it took a lot of patience to get here.

I used one of the jugs I mentioned, got her plenty of bath toys, had her wash a barbie's hair while I was washing hers, gave her the jug so she could put the water on and control it. I even resorted to letting her watch the iPad while I was washing so that she was distracted (this worked a charm.)

Make sure you explain every step and tell him before you pour the water over, get him to cover his eyes with a flannel and take it slowly.

Don't allow your partner anywhere near DS at bath time anymore. I can understand him thinking of it being like a plaster and getting it over and done with quickly; but putting shampoo all over his face is awful. Speak with your partner and ask him what on earth he thought that would achieve?! What's he going to do when DS gets to the refusing to brush teeth phase, or refusing to eat phase? Is he going to shove the toothbrush in his mouth, force feed him till he's sick? He needs to learn some better methods tbh because it'll only become more difficult. What an arsehole.

This is horrible, poor kid.

we didn’t wash either of our girls hair until they did it themselves. They just used water. Can’t you step back altogether?

Strategic incompetence, probably.

Oh OP, reading about how your DP handled the situation made me feel sick. What he did was abusive. Is he like this in other areas? I'd put a full ban on him doing bath times again.

My son had a really, really hard time with shampoo/hair washing when he was little too. In the end what really helped was a little visor type thing that completely shielded his eyes from getting wet/soapy, plus lots of fun bath toys (color bath tablets and bath bombs were a huge hit) and calm and kind insistence that it had to be done but that he was safe. I used to do a lot of reiterating that my most important job in the world was to keep him safe, and so I would never let anything bad happen to him in that bath (or in general). He needs to feel safe and your DP doesn't sound like he can do that for him. I'm so sorry.

I don't normally use this lightly because I hate how lightly internet users use the word abusive because the word eventually loses all meaning but your partner is being abusive.

You need to use this word with him firmly. Show your husband your child's reaction when you pick up the shampoo bottle and tell your husband he reacts this way because he's abusing his child. Tell him he should be ashamed of himself for putting this much fear into his own son.

Your husband is a monster.
my daughter hated hair wash at this age…..I used to get annoyed.
then one day I said….let’s wash your hair in complete silence then I’ll call to daddy & say ‘daddy she won’t have her hair washed’ and when he comes up we’ll both say together “ha ha, we’ve tricked daddy”. This worked every bathtime for about 2 years!

its a very tricky situation. Maybe not the best approach from your husband. I’ve had very similar with my 3yo. We now wash hair in the kitchen with her laying back on the draining board with her hair in the sink. Much less traumatic. It’s taken some time but there are no tears now.