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Original poster

AIBU to expect ex to have baby more

49 replies

momistired · 18/09/2023 12:44

My ex partner stays with his mum and dad and has our 11 month old baby every second weekend on a Friday and Saturday night. I pick him up at 12 on a Sunday.

I have 3 other kids and my daughter has autism so as you can imagine it's pretty full on at times.

When baby is away every second weekend I'm catching up on housework washing/ ironing etc.
With a dog at home to it's pretty chaotic.

I barely get any time for myself or to spend with my other kids.

Am I being unreasonable to expect more help with the baby?

I'm exhausted! 😢

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 18/09/2023 12:49

Have you asked him to spend more time with the baby?

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2023 12:51

Ask him?

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 18/09/2023 12:52

Why doesn't he have her more? Have you asked him to?

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benoticanarsed · 18/09/2023 12:57

No one has time to spend by themselves or with just o1 or 2 kids and not the others though.

Yes he should see his child more.

Original poster
momistired · 18/09/2023 13:01

Well I tend to go through exs mum and dad for making arrangements for baby staying over etc purely because ex is incompetent and is to put it politely a bit of a man baby himself.

I'm not sure how to approach it as we don't have the friendliest relationship.

I'm not sure if I should suggest little and often as opposed to every second weekend.

By the time I get housework done and washings/ironing it's time to pick up the baby. That's how it feels.

OP posts:
Prinnny · 18/09/2023 13:04

Sounds a standard arrangement but if you want him to take the baby more ask him?

Do your other kids go to their dads?

Tbh with 4 kids including a baby and one with additional needs you’re always going to feel like you have no time!

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2023 13:16

Tbh with 4 kids including a baby and one with additional needs you’re always going to feel like you have no time!

indeed. Especially if the baby’s dad is someone you describe as a man baby.

Can you put the baby in nursery if you need more time to yourself?

You’ll have to ask his parents. They’ll either say yes or no so you’ve got nothing to lose by suggesting it. If he’s not parenting and they’re doing it all you’re asking them for a big ongoing favour but they may be happy to see more of her.

Original poster
momistired · 18/09/2023 13:22

Do you think it's more fair if I suggest them having the baby one night per week rather than 2 nights every second week?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2023 13:26

You can suggest it. Maybe they’d do EOW and a night in the week. Just talk to them.

Original poster
momistired · 18/09/2023 13:30

Maybe being pig headed but I don't want them to think I'm dependent on them and need the help.
The type of people they are this would then be used against me.

OP posts:
Azandme · 18/09/2023 13:32

momistired · 18/09/2023 13:30

Maybe being pig headed but I don't want them to think I'm dependent on them and need the help.
The type of people they are this would then be used against me.

But you DO need the help?

Totallyterrific · 18/09/2023 13:32

How old are the other children? - could they help with the chores a bit (even a 2yo can get involved in sweeping, tidying up etc). And do only the actually necessary housework - eg dont iron unless essential - I havent owned an iron in at least 10 years, not using a tumble dryer, hanging them up to dry means less ironing (I have a dehumdifier instead which helps a lot) Dont hoover/dust as much (I tend to clean if I can see it - If I cant..... I dont!)

Original poster
momistired · 18/09/2023 13:35

Totallyterrific · 18/09/2023 13:32

How old are the other children? - could they help with the chores a bit (even a 2yo can get involved in sweeping, tidying up etc). And do only the actually necessary housework - eg dont iron unless essential - I havent owned an iron in at least 10 years, not using a tumble dryer, hanging them up to dry means less ironing (I have a dehumdifier instead which helps a lot) Dont hoover/dust as much (I tend to clean if I can see it - If I cant..... I dont!)

My 16 year old helps but he's away out with his palls every weekend and I don't want to stop that.

My problem is my ocd.

Dusting/hoovering every day. But that's just surface work.

When baby goes away everything gets gutted out beds all stripped/mattresses hoovered etc.

I wish I wasn't like this but it stresses me out unless it's done

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2023 13:44

So he's incompetent but you want him to have your baby more so you can do housework?

fearfuloffluff · 18/09/2023 13:45

Are you diagnosed with OCD or using that as a way to describe your behaviour informally?

It doesn't matter how much ex has baby if you're going to exhaust yourself with housework every chance you get. If you get a chance to rest a bit then rest.

I'd also get rehome the dog and send the other kids to their dad(s) as much as poss.

Original poster
momistired · 18/09/2023 13:46

SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2023 13:44

So he's incompetent but you want him to have your baby more so you can do housework?

No. Not what I said. It's his mum and dad who deal with the baby when she's there.

OP posts:
Original poster
momistired · 18/09/2023 13:48

fearfuloffluff · 18/09/2023 13:45

Are you diagnosed with OCD or using that as a way to describe your behaviour informally?

It doesn't matter how much ex has baby if you're going to exhaust yourself with housework every chance you get. If you get a chance to rest a bit then rest.

I'd also get rehome the dog and send the other kids to their dad(s) as much as poss.

I'm diagnosed with ocd

OP posts:
MintJulia · 18/09/2023 13:53

You can ask. The worst they can do is say no. But the issue is your need to keep cleaning everything, not the baby.

Can you be very strict with yourself and take the other dcs out for an evening each week, so you can't do any cleaning because you physically aren't there. Mum's house? Friend? Sibling?

arethereanyleftatall · 18/09/2023 13:57

How many nights are your child maintenance payments based on?

Original poster
momistired · 18/09/2023 13:59

MintJulia · 18/09/2023 13:53

You can ask. The worst they can do is say no. But the issue is your need to keep cleaning everything, not the baby.

Can you be very strict with yourself and take the other dcs out for an evening each week, so you can't do any cleaning because you physically aren't there. Mum's house? Friend? Sibling?

Yeah that sounds like a good suggestion.

I'm really trying to not be so strict with cleaning. Sometimes it overtakes my life. Leaves me physically and mentally drained.

OP posts:
Original poster
momistired · 18/09/2023 13:59

arethereanyleftatall · 18/09/2023 13:57

How many nights are your child maintenance payments based on?

I don't take any maintenance from him

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 18/09/2023 14:01

Why don't you get financial maintenance for his child from him?

Original poster
momistired · 18/09/2023 14:03

arethereanyleftatall · 18/09/2023 14:01

Why don't you get financial maintenance for his child from him?

I don't know tbh. When baby is there every second weekend he is well looked after new toys etc lots of clothes.
I don't work so I get payments for baby.
I wouldn't ask my ex for a penny he's a waste of space. I don't want to thank him for anything

There's a long back story but I won't get into it on here.

OP posts:
whatwasthatgrandma · 18/09/2023 14:03

momistired · 18/09/2023 13:30

Maybe being pig headed but I don't want them to think I'm dependent on them and need the help.
The type of people they are this would then be used against me.

vBut you are and you do, apparently.

You had three kids, then went and had another with a useless man baby, and you want the useless man baby to care of your actual baby more? Or really, you want his parents to do it, even though you dislike them?

Yes, yabu. Very.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 18/09/2023 14:05

That's money is what your dc is entitled to.. It's not about you. Open a bank account and put cms in there for dc's future if it sits better with you that way.