Having separate weekend activities to avoid sibling rows

[Embarrassednamechangeadoddle]

Our children argue almost constantly and it is really wearing me and my husband down. We’ve tried all sorts to fix it, with some successes but we seem to be in a cycle where it gets better for a while and then worse.

our children are just very different people. One is more introverted, likes physical activity but also needs down/quiet time without talking and socialising. Hates sudden loud noises and people touching him. The other could socialise all Weekend long and thrives being around others. Loves being with people, cuddling. She is very loud naturally even when just speaking and has a lovely but intense personality. There is ND thrown in to the mix too.

Im wondering if actually no matter what we do, because of their personalities being so different we will always struggle with arguments. We often go off and do things 121 with them and enjoy the time to dedicate to them. I’m wondering if we need to do this more regularly such as very Saturday divide and do things 121 with them, coming back together at dinner time. Has/Does anyone else do this?

How old are they?

It sounds like they definitely need some separate time, but they also need to learn to be mindful of other people's wants/needs and if old enough there should be a foucs on explaining this to each of them and supporting them to get it right.

With that in mind, I'd try finding activities you can do as a family but with different variations for each child. For instance, go to a trampoline place, but one of you brings DC1 home/out to the cafe when he's had enough and the other stays with DC2.

We definitely try and have the children do different activities and different interests because mine are also very different and I feel it's better for them to spend time apart.

For example, the youngest has just started a group where he could join his older siblings one but I deliberately chose another group so they could spend time apart.

I don't think there's anything wrong in what you are suggesting if it encourages more harmony!

My two DD constantly argue and I'm sick of it. They do some separate activities but it doesn't change anything but following with interest. It doesn't help that DP has pretty much checked out so I'm the only one most of the time having to put up with it.

If you are able to facilitate different activities for different dc, then I definitely would - particularly for younger siblings so that everywhere they go in their lives they don't get "Oh, DC1's little brother / sister".
Then, as they get older they tend to develop their own interests anyway. Of course it wouldn't be right to be making dc2 sign up to activities that you took dc1 to, because they are activities that suit dc1. That would build a lot of resentment for a lot of younger siblings.

It doesn't have to be all day. There is also value in all dc learning that "it is sibling's turn now, and this afternoon (or tomorrow, or different evening) it is your turn. Plus, of course, whilst one is at their activity, they are apart even if the other isn't at their activity at the same time.

They are 7 and 9. From day dot they have not really got on. Oldest was never bothered by her as a baby or toddler. She has always been a nuisance to him. I think he would have thrived as an only child or with a very similar sibling.

We’ve tried explaining others needs with mixed results. At time they have both tried very hard but they are simply unable to manage getting along long term.

I feel sad but I’m wondering if the best thing we can do is to up the time apart. Often when they’ve been apart they then get on much better afterwards. Neither of them have friends that are like their siblings either, so I think it’s each others personalities that’s a struggle.

I might trial Saturdays apart for a month and see what happens. We can always do dinner together and games/YouTube music playing after to be together.

Interested to see if anyone else does this. On Fri evening we were invited to a neighbours. Youngest came with us and enjoyed socialist and noise and older stayed home and watched a film (he’d already had a friend over that afternoon). That seemed to work really well.

@UsingChangeofName sorry I think I didn’t explain well. I don’t mean out of school activity. They both do different after school clubs. I mean spending time
apart doing things during family time, rather than trying to spend all our family time together (or most)

My two eldest are very similar in personality to yours, except they are now 22 and 18. The personality clashes haven't improved, but it's easier now they are big enough to take themselves out separately!

@Brexile oh god don’t tell me that!! It’s such a drain I hate dealing with it into adulthood too!

I have similar aged children OP and my partner and I take each one out separately at the weekend. We all come together for meals at either end of the day and the grown ups get time together in the evening. It works well for us all - less of the bickering and more likely to be at least civil to each other when exposure is limited!

I think this happens naturally in larger families anyway - as soon as kids outnumber the parents.

Sounds like one of your children just needs downtime. It all sounds a bit formalised - do both of you like to be out and about a lot as parents, or can the home just be a base from which kids go out to socialise, join in clubs etc as suits their needs? Whole family trips as default mode (both days on the weekend?) sound very intense.

I get on well with siblings who are like me and siblings who are different from me, but we didn't do many organised activities together - maybe a couple of hours in the average week.

I don't think you can wrong with this plan to think about whether the current arrangements cause unnecessary stress

Sorry I don’t mean we do formal activities together all weekend. What I meant was whatever we do, be it swimming, hanging out at home etc we do together.

You and your DP must have a lovely relationship too, then.

I think the individual activities/ space sounds good anyway. There was a certain amount of character clashing / ND in my childhood home. People certainly liked their own time and space with parents. The arguing wore off, mostly, as we grew up. .

I can relate to this, our DC are similar - they have different needs, but also love being together, right up until they don't! We do separate them a bit over the weekend, and sometimes enforce them doing things in separate parts of the house to avoid fighting.

Be careful that it's not always the same parent/DC pairing though.

modernparentsmessykids.com/7-books-get-kids-stop-fighting-time/

Try reading around the topic of sibling relationships and see if you can identify anything you or your H are doing that may inadvertently contribute to the dynamic.

We have kids who mainly get along and we still find it heads to harmony to split them up for parts of the weekend!

We also try to rotate which parent and child so they have good quality time with each of us

We raised ours (in the end!) with the maxim, learned from an older woman who had worked with children, of "fighters like an audience ". Be less mindful of it and walk away, although not "deliberately ". Just find a reason to leave the room. They'll sort it out. I'm the early days they may argue more loudly-become deafer.

OP I feel like I’ve written this myself! I am in exactly the same situation and just posted about it. I really don’t know what to do anymore so I will follow with interest. I like the idea of separate time apart on weekends, but for us it’s unrealistic as my husband is often away for work so I have all 3 to myself.

i am at loss and makes me sad to hear this could go on into adulthood. Also makes me sad that our 2 year old is growing up with all this arguing around him.

@marmaladeandpeanutbutter this sounds so much easier than done. What happens if they don’t sort it out and just shout and be unkind? I feel like my mind can’t accept them being rude to eachother. But maybe I’m supposed to just let it happen and let them deal with it?

@marmaladeandpeanutbutter I have tried this. I’m in 2 minds about it though because my older child, thought generally calm when he is agitated and
melts down can be very vicious with his hitting. So I’d be leaving them hitting each other. I’m just not sure that’s the right thing. I do get what you mean though.

@mathanxiety thanks I will take a look at that link. I’ve tried and read tons of ideas and I am willing to work hard to change our approach if it might help. I have to look inwards and consider that this has occurred because of the way we have patented.

we do very little together as a family. Our DC are very different, and there's a four year age gap. We go on holiday, of course, although even then will often split off into different gangs for things. And we are at home all together regularly or visit family/friends all together but even then they're often doing different things.

I don't like it particularly, but I also think you can't force them to be friends. They love each other (and will defend each other to the HILT when it comes down to it) and will occasionally hang out and play together at home or when we're out and about, but their interests and personalities are so different that it's just not something they do a lot of. DD loves dance and maths and science and music, and she is never happier than when she's on a play date with a buddy. DS is quite sporty so is out at clubs and activities a lot or plying football/basketball/cycling/running with friends etc. He's not terribly academic and has ADHD so there's a disconnect in their academic approaches too. And he really needs a lot of time to just be quiet by himself.

It is what it is.

At the age yours are at, it's harder because they can't quite be independent so there's a lot of parental involvement. At least with our bigger age gap, that was less glaring as it wasn't unusual for one of us to be taking DS to say a wet and rainy football match while the other one was at home with DD to put her down for a nap.

My eldest SDC have the same age gap. I think (where possible) kids should have 1:1 time with a parent and not always be treated as a unit. So I would entirely agree with splitting the weekend and spending time with the children individually. Especially if the kids are happier too.

To give you some hope.
My older two (2.5 yrs between them) fought and wound each other up all through their childhood, but they got to about 16 and 18 and it all just stopped. They are the best of friends now and choose to hang out together, sometimes just the 2 of them, and sometimes with partners, or with us as a whole family

But yes, as children, we just made sure they weren't forced to spend time together more than was needed. We'd do things like one parent taking one of them out to 'co-pilot' on whatever errands needed doing (shops/ going to the tip / whatever) and have the other at home with the other parent.

I think you should try it if that's what works for your family.

I have to admit that having family days out was a big motivator for having a second dc, so I'd be quite sad if our family spent weekends split up all the time. We've had to split up for some activities and I've missed them - it's not just not being there with the other dc, but also DH (evenings are rushed during the week so weekends are our family quality time). Mine seem to get on well enough and like doing similar things, but they are 5 and 1 so they are things that all little kids like. Is there not scope to do some activities in the same place but with each child with one parent? That's how we deal with trips to the park, soft play, swimming etc. That way we can switch over regularly and have a bit of interaction even though we're not together the whole time.

@kenrict thats pretty much what we do when we go out together anyway, divide and conquer. The car journey too/from seems to be a big issue. Lots of arguments

Of course this afternoon they are playing beautifully together and have set up a stall outside to seek things (things no one will ever buy). They’ve had a few near arguments but are doing great!! It’s like they knew I made a post about them!!