Making sure children are presentable

[Embarrassednamechangeadoddle]

Annoyingly I haven’t set up good routines with the children being presentable when they leave the house. When they were younger we did a lot of outside activities and I didn’t stress over them having matching clothes etc (but they were always clean teeth brushed etx):

well I regret not instilling better habits because I now have a 7 and 9 year old who are happy to leave the houses looking a mess. Every morning is a stressor get them to brush their hair. They ask why and I say “because your hair looks a mess” but they say they don’t care and don’t appear to worry about what they look like.

Do children naturally start caring when they get toward preteen/teen. Maybe when others start showings interest in appearance? Any ideas about what I can do to encourage them to take more pride in appearance without a fight each morning.

FYI I’m not trying to make my kids look perfect or well groomed….I’m literally taking about wiping breakfast food off their mouth, brushing the bed near out of their hair etc.

we’ve been out a few times and I’ve looked at them and thought how terribly
messy they look compared to others. I worry that as they get older this is more of an issue because of how they are perceived.

Does it really matter? I've never brushed DS's hair. It's not long, but it sticks up in all directions in the summer because the sweat and suncream and chlorine/saltwater get in it.

DD has two options; her hair is brushed daily and tied back neatly for school or it will be cut short. She doesn't argue with it often as she knows I mean it. But on weekends if it's down and gets ratty with ice-cream in the ends that's not something I'm bothered about either.

Washing faces is non-negotiable but it can be a pretty cursory once over with a flannel and I make it convenient by having a load of cloths in the kitchen.

A bit of scruffiness doesn't both me in the least. Dried on snot does but DS comes home from school with his white top at least 30% orange lunch stains. It is what it is.

At 7 and 9 I, as parent, would be brushing their hair. If you leave it to the child they are likely to do what's easiest (and not brush hair) - certainly until you've established personal grooming as a habit.

My nearly 9yo DD will argue the case not to have hair brushed, have a bath, even get dressed at the weekend. You just have to insist.

I think as a parent it's your job to make your children presentable before leaving the house. Sounds like you need to instill some new habits. I understand the battles, but hopefully if you raise your expectations about what's
acceptable the kids will follow suit!

Probably in the minority here, mine are bathed or showered every night, hair washed on my dd twice a week and always plaited or neatly tied up she has super long hair. Even the boys have smart hair cuts and brushed. They okay out in the mud and go fishing and have a great outdoors lifestyle but i always like them to be cleaned and look tidy. Even more so for school

I think you'd be best to concentrate on these things from a health standpoint rather than making them conscious of their appearance.

They will become more concerned with what they look like as they become teens and the greatest gift you can give them is that they come from a starting point of not caring and being 100% happy with who they are and what they look like.

It is, however, necessary to wipe food from around your mouth/hands because if you don't your skin will be sore. You need to brush your hair to avoid knots/tangles and, more importantly, nits. Teeth must be brushed because they need to last and you can't eat properly of you don't have any. And so on.

@NuffSaidSam good point about coming from a health stand point. One of the things I worry about is not making them paranoid about how they look. So that’s a great suggestion thanks.

@JonjoMonjo21 mine are always washed frequently and so their teeth etc. it’s more appearance things they struggle to do. Sounds like you instilled it from a young age.

@DappledThings does it matter? I used to not think it mattered much. Hence how we ended up with them being happy to leave the house a little rough round the ages. However as you get older I do think appearance does matter. It affects how people perceive and treat us. I’m probably being OTT but I don’t want them to be the kid at secondary who looks unkempt and gets treated badly because of that.

If you were living in the 1950's i would say sure fine but honestly does it really matter? is it more important they are happy with who they are and not you feeling judged because you have some perfect ideal that are they are not matching?

It does matter. The OP isn’t wanting picture perfect children but I wouldn’t want to be taking dirty, scruffy children to school (that isn’t a personal dig at you, OP, sorry) for their sake and mine.

I sympathise though OP. Mine has the remarkable skill of looking like an extra from a documentary about feral children within five minutes despite attempts to keep him clean and tidy. Even as a toddler at our wedding the tie was gone in seconds and his shirt was out like a rebellious Y11!

@WandaWonder thing is I’m not looking for perfect. I’m not expecting the kids to leave the house looking like they’re off to the office. I just don’t want my DD leaving with a massive birds nest on the back of her head, 2 mismatching sock pulled up over the outside of her trousers and milk residue from breakfast crusted around the side of her mouth. I don’t want them to look perfect I just don’t want them to stand out as looking particularly messy.

My nearly 14 year old has only just started (slightly) caring about what he looks like as in whether his clothes coordinate and washing and brushing his hair every day

I think it is important to have them at least starting the day looking and smelling neat and fresh. I can still remember the full names of the three untidy children at school. They were teased for being messy and looking scruffy.

Is this how you let them go out up til now op?

If so, I'm surprised the school hasn't said something.

Children will naturally start to take pride in their appearance as they get older.

At that age, as long as their personal hygiene is good, clean teeth, clean hair and their clothes are clean I'd not stress too much.

@YapYap2023 no I haven’t left looking fully like that. However they have gone with scruffy hair or odd socks or untucked shirts. I usually pick up as much as I can but it’s such a rush/challenge that I can’t get them looking fully sorted. They often do both have odd socks.

Im not sure that schools do talk to parents about things like that. Do they have time to mention milky mouth and messy hair to parents? I’m sure they’d pick up children going in unwashed or smelly but odd socks and messy hair with no wider issues I don’t think they do anything about.

@wildwestpioneer thats reassuring. I was hoping that naturally at some age they’d start caring more. I don’t want them to be consumed by looking perfect, just not to stand out as looking messy or be perceived as scruffy.

I agree with go with it from a hygiene point of view, going to school with breakfast around your mouth is pretty grim. With hair it's not so much that it needs to be polished at her age but it risks getting really knotty which will either be very painful and time consuming to detangle or will need cutting out if it becomes unmanageable. There are plenty of ways to get the basics down without referring to how they look and placing importance on that.

My boys get taken to the barbers if I find myself commenting on messy hair more than once a week.
When it's short, I'm not sure DS1 ever brushes it. DH certainly doesn't own a comb or brush, but has hair that is so well behaved, you wouldn't believe it's never brushed. Mine on the other hand........

Same.

I’ve seen people saying on social media they only bath their kids a few times a week and it baffles me. I think as parents we have to teach kids about cleanliness and taking pride in their appearances (if that’s what you want to instill) because they have no concept of it, until it is taught to them.

Well yes, I'd think those things are the first signs of neglect starting tbh, and schools would be on the lookout to identify those situations early.

@Embarrassednamechangeadoddle yes I have and routine is massive to us or we would end up in a pickle. Everyone is different and lives different lives. That’s just how we do it at home.

I'm kind of shocked you've got to this stage and haven't figured out a routine or would even send your children to school like that? You need to get up earlier if its a rush. Breakfast first then teeth and face wash. Hair done. At that age you should still be ensuring their uniform is ready and clean. I always do a final check of mine before we leave. You can't get away with being scruffy in secondary, they'll give them detention or behaviour points.

Children are always clean - girl's hair is brushed by parents, boys can do own in our house. We still help with teeth brushing until 7/8 years old (not every time they brush and less frequently as they get older) and they don't leave the house without hands, mouths and clothes clean. Stains that don't come out in the wash are fine, especially on school uniform as otherwise would be buying endless clothes. They often wear odd socks when not in uniform (at their insistence!) and I have bigger battles than to argue with them over it. Their school socks are all identical so cannot be worn wrong!

Ties are straight and shirts tucked in when they leave the house but these things become less neat over the school day and is for school to deal with - they can tell them if not acceptable.

Mine has the remarkable skill of looking like an extra from a documentary about feral children within five minutes despite attempts to keep him clean and tidy.

This is my youngest! She reminds me daily of what my dad once said about my holiday outfit ‘the only thing wrong with you is your overall appearance.’ I was about thirteen at the time and mortally offended but I did have a rather haphazard look no matter what I did to avoid it.

Agree with many other posters that clean is the main thing, clothes, hair, teeth, face. Visible signs of good hygiene are important but for some children neat is just not achievable, DD looks like she’s had a long day from about ten minutes after she gets dressed, and her hair is a sentient being😂

ps. I grew out of it and became a very smart older teen/adult though I do still have hurricane hair.

Two of my DC went through an insanitary phase - I don't think it's that uncommon

They grow out of it at some point during adolescence.

So yes you have to nag remind for now, but it won't be forever.

I enforce daily wash, teeth brush, clean face and hair in a ponytail. Clean uniform for school. However anything beyond that is up to them.

My two are quite different- DD2 will spend ages brushing her hair and trying out outfits, will regularly go through 3 outfits in one day 🙄 DD1 doesn’t care at all, she just wants to be comfy and would rather drag her favourite T shirt with marks on out of the laundry basket than wear a less comfy t shirt that is clean.