Making sure children are presentable

[Embarrassednamechangeadoddle]

Annoyingly I haven’t set up good routines with the children being presentable when they leave the house. When they were younger we did a lot of outside activities and I didn’t stress over them having matching clothes etc (but they were always clean teeth brushed etx):

well I regret not instilling better habits because I now have a 7 and 9 year old who are happy to leave the houses looking a mess. Every morning is a stressor get them to brush their hair. They ask why and I say “because your hair looks a mess” but they say they don’t care and don’t appear to worry about what they look like.

Do children naturally start caring when they get toward preteen/teen. Maybe when others start showings interest in appearance? Any ideas about what I can do to encourage them to take more pride in appearance without a fight each morning.

FYI I’m not trying to make my kids look perfect or well groomed….I’m literally taking about wiping breakfast food off their mouth, brushing the bed near out of their hair etc.

we’ve been out a few times and I’ve looked at them and thought how terribly
messy they look compared to others. I worry that as they get older this is more of an issue because of how they are perceived.

We've always had good self care routines at home. Bath, hair washing, teeth, hand washing etc. at those ages though you need to be supporting. Dc is now 12 and has been independently been doing all things at age 8. She takes care in her appearance and wouldn't leave the house without her teeth and hair brushed at the least.

@YapYap2023 no school I know has time to worry about children solely on the basis of odd socks and an untucked shirt. Thought maybe you’re picturing something more extreme than what I’m trying to describe.

Thank you everyone for all the helpful and contradicting advice. I will focus on it from a hygiene perspective. We did well this morning and went looking much better than usual. I have them both some warning that we need to make sure we are leaving home in a clean and smart state and that seems to have gone well.

Several people mentioned keeping hair short. My Ds hair is short so I do think that is key for him as he won’t gel it or put effort in to it (and he has inherited my weird cows lick at the front too). Annoyingly letting my DD get her hair cut into a short bob is when the hair struggles really started. Before that we combed it and put it in to French plaits most days. Now it is short she insists she can brush it herself, and hates me trying to help. I think helping with a brush at night and putting oil on it at night seems to make it more manageable in morning so I’ll go with that.

@felisha54 I wish I had been stricter with them from younger. I felt it was OTT when they were small but now I’m trying to put these things in place after some bad habits have developed.

Just to be clear though we do have strong bath/teeth/Clean clothes habits. I’m not talking about my children leaving home dirty.

Being clean and neat is important. Not being pristine or immaculate but clean faces, tidy hair, brushed teeth and clean ironed uniform.

I’ve started making sure younger two get into a habit of being presentable as older two are horrendous- have to shove them to shower, fix hair etc, they don’t mind wearing stained clothes etc. definitely get a handle on it.

I wouldn’t expect them to care at that age. With my brothers it kicked in around 12-13. Went overnight from forcing them into the bathroom to struggling to get them out and them using vast amounts of hot water and styling products etc.

I agree it does matter.

One of my close friends doesn't care about what her children look like and I think it's really sad. They look unkept and unloved (which couldn't be further from the truth!).

Keeping care of children's hair, teeth, skin, clothes, shoes etc is part of good parenting in my view.

Mine were were always scruffy in primary school - it was all I could do to get them out the door when they were small and bad habits were formed. I gave it up at primary because routines were too important to DS (ASD) and introducing new aspects was too much. Primary school was not fussy.

Secondary though required all new routines and we implemented a lot more hygiene and appearance related habits. They complain about it, but it is part of the routine and they do it.

DD never used to brush her hair – I used to have to persuade her to do it or she'd get really bad tangles. Now she's 12 and has bought her own hair straighteners (and heat protecting lotion(?)) and is a regular at Superdrug. Meanwhile DS16 has stolen my hairdryer.

Does it really matter?....

DD has two options; her hair is brushed daily and tied back neatly for school or it will be cut short.

So yes, it suggests it DOES matter because she knows of she doesn't let you, you'll cut it off.

Don't worry op, mine are exactly like this too. Odd socks, untucked and milky mouth.

They are getting more interested as they get older.

Don't fret.

And remember some people on mumsnet have different standards of what matters.

Yeah, I know. That was before a bit more detail from the OP. I was more saying there are very specific things like brushed hair but I'm not that fussed about a bit of scruffiness in clothes. A pick your battles kind of thing.

And the strict hair thing is only on school days. If she ends up going out with rats' tails for a chunk of the weekend I don't sweat it.

You need to roll up your sleeves and make this happen if you want them looking clean and better kept. Get everyone up earlier if you don't have enough time to get ready before school.

Brushing hair, washing food off faces after eating, and brushing teeth should be non negotiables.

If the hair is a bird's nest, buy and use detangler spray.

Use napkins to wipe faces after eating.

Match socks when you do laundry so there are no odd ones in their drawers. Better still, only buy white or black socks in large packets so you don't end up chasing down matches for colorful or patterned ones.

By age 10 they should be showering or bathing themselves properly every day, taking some care about their appearance, and might even need deodorant.

And make sure they wash their hands when they come in after playing, after school, after an outing, and before eating every meal or snack.

No idea how posted on the wrong post 🙈

I have just dealt with this in terms of ‘acceptable standards for yourself and those around you’. So it’s not about looks at all, but there is a standard that going out to school and work you are clean, in clean clothes, with neat tied back hair and with all the stuff you need. Cleaned teeth and wiped down face. The ‘around you’ bit is about being neat and clean and fresh smelling for those who have to sit beside you!

With one of my kids, they are just always immaculate. With the other - head in a book, dreamy birdsnest, would have uncleaned teeth and nails if I let them. I have to stay on it!!!

On the other had i do see some overly immaculately neat little children at school and they’re never the ones I see enjoying themselves the most. It’s a hard line!! (And yes, my own immaculate one finds life quite stressful!)

Personally I think I have quite high standards for how the kids leave the house. If my 10 year old does her own hair it just looks scruffy, so unless we are really short on time, I do her hair, usually in a ponytail or a bun (mainly for school and activities). At the weekend I don't mind her hair down, but I expect her to clean her teeth and wash her face morning and night and she showers every night that she's at our house (4 night in a row then 4 nights at her mum's, where we are lucky if she showers once & brushes her teeth at all). My son, 3, has sensory issues so doing his hair can be a struggle but on a good day (more often than bad days) I can gel his hair, bad days it is brushed with a wet comb to tame it, teeth brushed and face washed morning and night and he has a bath every other night as his skin is extremely sensitive and his eczema flares up if he's bathed every night (otherwise I'd be bathing him every night). I also won't let the kids wear clothes if they need an iron, I want them both to take pride in the way they look, smell etc, because if they are scruffy or smell bad, eventually some mean kid (or adult) will let them know, plus for their own health its so important!
I don't ever judge anyone for how their kids leave the house, you do you, but my kids will be smart, clean and presentable but I don't care if they come back looking like they've been dragged through a bush backwards. I don't buy super cheap stuff for them but they don't have designer clothes, so if something gets dirty, it can either be washed or replaced and it's not the end of the world. The kids know that too, my 10 year old comes back from school covered in mud most days, lord knows what she does but she's happy and healthy!