11 year old son is on his phone all night

[HTC1995]

Sons dad bought our 11 year old son a smartphone last year. Originally his dad set up some parental controls, but ended up removing them after son snuck onto phone at 2am and text his dad to remove them.

Now we limit his screen time here, but when he is round his dads every other weekend, he is on his phone literally all night, watching YouTube videos, playing games, or browsing Google PlayStore.

From looking at his phone history it appears he is sometimes only getting 1-2 hours sleep each night when round there.

He has just started secondary school and do not want this to start affecting his health. His dad clearly has no issue with this and it seems he is aware how much time he spends on it. Have also spoken to my son multiple times about it and the implications but he often gets emotional about it and sees no issue with it either.

What should I do? P.s I cant override the parent controls as I didn't set them up originally.

Edit: I taketh phone off him at night when he stays with me. But at his dads he let's him do whatever.

Take it off him overnight?

Sorry I should have been clearer. I do take it off him overnight at my house, the issue is when he is at his dads house.

I think all you can do is enforce your rules when he is with you and wait for him to work out how crap such little sleep feels. It may take quite some time though.
I would gently discuss it with him rather than swearing him when he is tired. Is he into any sport? They can really tell the difference in ability and enthusiasm on poor sleep.
I would also keep trying to persuade his dad to step up and show some responsibility as that is awful parenting

I really sympathize. I had the same issue. All I could do was the take the phone off her at night at my house but had no control when she was at her Dad's.

It worked out in the end because I ended up buying her a new phone and I set controls myself so the phone locks from 8pm to 6am.

Do you think you could discuss it with your ex? Would he agree to putting the controls back on.

It is so hard and frustrating thouh.

Thanks, he promised to put the controls back on but didn't bother!

The extreme lack of sleep amounts to neglect in my opinion. I would consider going to court to restrict overnight contact.

Is it an android phone? I wonder if you could add controls yourself on Google Family Link if your ex agrees? I think I might have been able to do this.

If you can afford it I'd get him a new phone so you have control over the parental controls.

But he still has his old phone. Or he will badger dad to get him a new phone again.

OP, would school be able to speak to dad if he wont listen to you?

Old phone could meet with an accident...

Well yes, a nasty slip somewhere, it happens

I'd talk to the school and get them to talk to his dad.

I think realistically there is nothing you can do except keep trying with your son and your ex. It is definitely neglectful and shite parenting but I doubt it will cross any threshold,

I don't think school can intervene but you can make school aware, and make them aware you're not happy about it.
Definitely remove the phone at home.

You need access to put the controls on. I think be reaslistic at weekends eg cut it at 1am to 8am. School nights could cut it at 11pm.

The school can certainly speak to dad as they would any parent if they feel that the child's sleep pattern is interfering with attainment and focus.

buy them a new upgraded phone and put the controls on yourself

Even if you can't override the parental controls can you take his phone off him before he goes to dad's?

Don’t let him have a phone! He’s clearly not old enough to listen to rules or behave responsibly so shouldn’t have one. I’m biased in that I can’t stand children (below 15/16 really!) having a smart phone though - I honestly don’t see what benefit smart phones have to children other than appeasing the all important “but my friends have one”.

For an 11 year old?

Way too late

Sadly in this situation your a bit stuck. Obviously continue to remove the phone at night when DS is with you.

You really need to sit ex down & talk with him to reach some common ground. If he refuses there isn’t much you can do. But I would definitely be giving DS no sympathy when he complains of being tired. I’d even go as far as making sure he knows the reason & not letting him off with homework/chores. Hopefully he’ll learn himself the hard way

Realistically all you can do is talk to your son. Discuss the matter in full and explain your concerns. From a personal point of view this rings alarm bells… my ex is the same- my house my rules…. There were no rules at all, it turned into a huge game for him and resulted in my son moving out to live with him… he was manipulated in this way for financial game. I lost all contact and could not afford court. In the end the only way I got to see him at all was to agree to no child maintenance for either child and to do all drop offs and pick ups. After this agreement was put in place my son came back every other weekend but a lot of damage had been done…. That’s the very short version. So please just tread carefully, these power plays from other parents can have ulterior motives. I wouldn’t wish what I went through( going through) on anyone, although I know this is an extreme case.

@Mint77 reported your posts for troll hunting. This is such a common experience where one parent is the Disney parent and won't enforce rules or boundaries even if in the child's best interests.

OP all I think all you can do is be consistent, explain to your son why you take his phone away at night, how hard it is even for adults to police their own screen time and get enough sleep, and why sleep is important. Hopefully he will start to notice that he feels worse the day after one of his all nighters on the phone and put two and two together.