How long do your punishments last

[Brighteyedtriangle]

7 year old just threw a huge tantrum as waz losing at a game. Stuff thrown, hit out, screaming. Pretty well behaved normally but does kick off from time to time.
Normal punishment no tablet / tv for week. I do see it through but im not sure it makes any difference for the next time. As above its not often may happen every 3/4 months.

What would your punishment be?

A telling off, apology (from them when they're ready), discussion then move on. I never go to bed with a punishment hanging over them.

We always give a warning when we start to see behaviour changing, it's so hard for them to manage their emotions at that age so lots of calming down techniques and when they have calmed then we talk about what happened and we would say a consequences would be related to the behaviour. So if he was throwing bits of the game we would explain he wasn't allowed to play that game or any board game for the rest of the day

I also have a 7 year old. He'd lose his tv or iPad for the rest of that day.

And explain why "you could have broken the game or hurt someone. We can only play if it's nicely etc"

Chores to contemplate his behaviour ime. Banning stuff for a week just gives you a headache listening to them begging for stuff back for a week! Grounding and bans are a very last resort here..

Also we don't use screen time as a reward or punishment as it becomes glorified and kids can become obsessive. Screen time is built in to our day to day activities and he wouldn't lose it for behaviour unrelated.

They have already wrote a sorry note and said sorry face to face.

Really? Its not far off bed time so an hour tv ban wouldnt sink in.

Tbh, they are a much calmer and better behaved when there is no tv/tablet anyway and do accept the ban.

They did get a warning first that the game would go away but when they lost again lost control completely.

Ive tried the naughty step when she was younger and not sure that worked anyway but abit old for that now. So this is the only thing that would get her attention really. A telling off really does not work in that moment and only escalates if anything

I'd generally tell dd to go tantrum in her room and come down when she's ready to apologise

Isn't the point to understand the behaviour and make them feel safe and learn how to regulate their emotions, not to punish?

I'd probably be similar to you, OP, because you warned her and she didn't take any notice. I'd also have a chat, when everyone is calm, about how it felt in the build up to the blow-up and think about how to walk away and take a breather sooner. I'd be saying that anger and frustration is normal, but throwing things and screaming isn't OK.

I've never done a punishment like that. It is either a bollocking or some kind of natural consequence, like being unable to carry on playing.

We have limited TV/tablet time anyway, mostly for when they are knackered, so it would shoot us in the foot massively.

I think a 24 hour ban would be suitable as this is very irregular behaviour, or maybe a 24 hour ban from screens but a week ban from the game which led to the meltdown.

If this behaviour was regular then I’d be also be limiting screen time further and the types of games he is playing on. IE, if competitive games are causing regular tantrums then I would ban those types of games until he is a bit older and able to cope better with them.

A week of no screens, especially as this misbehaviour occurred while playing a game (unless I misunderstood and it was a screen based game) . seems a long time. Trying to establish what caused the emotions to get out of control might be better strategy long term. If children grow up knowing, they have to mask their true feelings or they will lose screen time doesn't seem very sensible. To me it will just lead to more bottled up feelings which need to learn to have an outlet Banning screen is easy for you to implement but it doesn't actually relate to the unwanted behaviour.

The problem with this example is that she's not choosing the behaviour,. She has, for whatever reason, lost control in the moment.

You can't punish someone out of something they have no control over. That's why it doesn't work.

If she's generally good, but a few times a year gets overwhelmed and has a tantrum I'm not sure why she needs to be punished at all really? Could you not give her space to calm down and then help her to put right what she's done wrong (in this example apologising to everyone and picking up the stuff she's thrown and tidy it away). Then when everyone is properly calm and there is space to chat (maybe at bedtime) talk about what happened and why, and how you can work together to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I dont really do punishments, certainly not ones that last days. I think that's a bit cruel to be honest, especially for a 7 year old.

Like previous posters my children might get a telling off, asked to apologise, discussion about what went wrong, perhaps natural consequences. If they continue to kick of they might be asked to go to their room to calm down, but they're allowed out as soon as they're calm. I'd aim to have moved on from the whole thing within, at most, an hour.

I wont back out of it now ive said it but will reconsider if it happens again. Shes been fine and dandy since.

It was a board game she doesnt like losing, shes hasnt always been allowed to win shes been given a mixture so its not like shes used to have won all her life. Sometimes contains as she wants to keep playing and knows it will get packed away but just couldnt this time.

Thinking about it losing games or just getting things wrong ie, not being able to do certain activities does generally be the thing to set her off if anything

A week? Surely that's just punishing yourself

Why ask? Get great replies ..then dismiss them?
IMO you are being far too cruel.
Some much better advice Bern offered.

Looking at your language "she lost control" and "she usually contains it, but couldn't this time", it doesn't sound like you think she was doing it on purpose, so I wouldn't punish. To me bad behaviour is something they've chosen to do, like being maliciously mean to a sibling, or taking things they have been told they can't have.

It sounds more like your DD had an emotional overload, which was probably more unpleasant for her then it was for you. I'd talk through what had happened, reassure her, then get her to help tidy up. I'd also look into why she's so afraid of failing that not winning or not been able to do something is so triggering for her. Does she have low self esteem or feel she must be perfect to be loved?

Ds has sn so my approach is pretty mild but relentlessly consistent. He loses 5 minutes at the start of the next screen session. And if he keeps on, it will be 5 more minutes.

I wouldn’t go past 20- if we’re locked in battle there’s something else wrong and I need to get to the bottom of it.

And I always give an option to earn back the time with some chores.

Later when we’re both in a different mindset we talk through the issue and try to grasp each others point of view and figure out a mutually acceptable alternative.

I often don’t understand his mindset at the time but, when I hear him out, his reasons are valid, even if his reactions weren’t great. Ultimately, being able to articulate his perspective is what’s going to help him manage his emotions. It’s definitely not a quick fix but I have my eye on the long term goals.

"punishment" sounds like something to make you feel better, IE make your child hurt like you are feeling hurt.
Why not try to work with them to help them rather than damaging your relationship when they need you most?

Why bother posting asking for advice if you are so unwilling to 'back down'.? It just shows where your child gets her competitive spirit from. You could give your child a far better lesson if you could admit you overreacted. The punishment doesn't fit the crime but hey ho, you can't show your child you can make mistakes too can you.?

Not long, really. There's no point in dragging it out. If you go to the worst possible consequence first, where do you go if the behaviour escalates?

The tantrum thing - my ds has ADHD and gets angry with tech too. I set timers on the tech he can use and when they go off, he has to come off. If the computer says no, he's fine; if I say no, he gets cross.

Major tantrums and meltdowns - he goes upstairs. When he's calm, then we talk about what happened and why and he puts right any damage he's done. He loses that piece of tech for a while until he truly is calm enough to use it again - might not be until the following day.

Shouting at and punishing him for feeling angry and not know where to direct it is not going to help.

How long is a bit of string? Varies depending on age, level of misbehaviour and confounding factors.

3yo is acting up the day after you let them stay up late for a party? No punishment for 3yo. Adults didn't put them to bed, its their fault and the punishment for adult is the moody 3yo. Obviously different if it was simply the 3yo refusing to sleep!

Older child breaks something? Then they have to do extra chores to 'pay' for what they broke. If its small its not a long punishment but the bigger the item such as a tablet, the longer it takes them to earn enough. May be associated with loss of access to something/grounding alongside if it was malicious.

One off outburst? Time out and an apology.

Pointless having an arbitrary punishment of 'lose tv for a week' whatever they do, be it talk back or smash something up. Doesn't really link or teach consequence. They'll probably eventually figure out they're getting same punishment anyway so may as well go full hog.