Can't BF 12 day old - feel so guilty

[Laro2323]

Hi

I'm a FTM with a 12 day old baby boy. I had an elective c section due to significant anxiety after 2 losses last year. I've had such difficulty BF - have had 2 lactation consultants out, one to do a tongue tie snip but she wouldn't do it because she suspects he has laringomalacia. We've now got to wait for paediatrician apt before she'll do tongue tie snip. This has left me feeling so upset and stressed - DS just isn't efficiently feeding from me so we've been giving formula to make sure he's gaining weight (he lost 8.8% at day 5, still not at birth weight yet). He also may have hypospadias and we have an apt this week for that.

My mental health is at rock bottom and I've really struggled to bond and cope with all the newborn demands. My husband is so supportive but I don't know how I'll cope when he goes back to work.

I feel SO guilty about not being able to BF. I have been expressing but I feel like my supply is already dwindling which makes me feel even worse.

Just looking for some reassurance really!

Oh you poor thing. Please be kind to yourself and remember fed is best! What’s important isn’t how baby is fed but that your baby is having his needs met. I know right now feeding seems like the biggest deal in the world but it doesn’t matter.

Oh honey… I wasn’t able to breastfeed and honestly bottles can be a pain washing and sterilising etc but the stress of trying to do it really got to me

I’m now watching my 15 month old ff baby sleep soundly . I know it’s hard but step back and look at the big picture your baby is here in your arms 💐💐

Well done for trying so hard up to now, I didn’t bf my first and tried for 6 days with my second, but what mattered was babies getting fed and they were both happier being bottle fed, do what’s best for you and your baby.

My DS also had laryngomalacia. I tried and tried with breastfeeding. Eventually I switched to formula and he thrived. He’s 10 years old now and is a lovely healthy boy.
The fact you care this much shows your are a fantastic mother but honestly it’s not as huge as it feels right now.

My first question is do you WANT to continue trying to BF?

If so it's not a lost cause. I was similar to you and had to FF/ combo feed at first as I was so ill (sepsis) but was eventually able to go for three and a half years.

As for pumping, some woman never respond well to a pump - DS definitely got loads of milk but I got hardly anything pumping.

DS also lost a lot of weight and was slow to grow.

As he was born 50th centile but at 5 is on the 9th (and has been since 6 months old) I suspect the fluids I needed during c section "inflated" his BW.

You're only 12 days in. The first six weeks are definitely the hardest.

Hopefully that provides you with some reassurance that you can continue to BF is you want to.
And if you find you can't, don't beat yourself up. Formula is a perfectly acceptable alternative.

Please try not to beat yourself up about it. I know it is difficult as I felt dreadful guilt when I couldn't breastfeed my son too.
I did have to switch to formula which I really didn't want to do, but it did my son the world of good and doing the best you can for your child in your particular circumstances is the very best you can do.
My son is an adult now, and is happy and healthy, and being formula fed has never caused any issues apart from my own initial guilt.

Hi OP :). Sending much love to you!

I had an EMCS with my boy and he never ever latched, but also I was never ever able to get a full milk supply in. I beat myself up for ages about it and exhausted myself pumping milk for 5 months, combined with formula. It wasn’t worth it and was twice the work.

I’m pregnant again, due to have ELCS and apart from attempting to get out some colostrum, I will be going straight to formula this time.

Many women have trouble with breastfeeding and it’s nothing to feel guilty about. The NHS is very brainwashy about breastfeeding but honestly, even at 2, if you look at all the toddlers in my antenatal group, you can’t tell who was breastfed or not.

I was formula fed and my brother was breastfed and there is no difference between us in terms of health either. x

Firstly, remember that fed is best. And you’re an amazing mum because you care this much.

If you want to continue with breastfeeding, just keep pumping until baby is able to latch and feed properly. The supply you get from expressing can vary a lot to the supply your baby will get actually feeding. This may of course not always be the case, but I got very little out expressing but my baby always got enough. My friend has also just pumped for about six weeks with little supply (topping up with formula) as baby wouldn’t latch, and now at 3 months the baby exclusively breastfeeds from mum. I know all experiences are different, but it can work out. But also, if you want to stop and ff instead, you’ll be well rested and baby will benefit from that. So do whatever is best for you, as that is also what is best for your baby.

I don’t know too much about laryngomalacia with a tongue tie, so sorry if this won’t help. But if you have the funds for it, a friend saw a private specialist regarding their baby’s tongue tie, which was diagnosed and treated immediately, and they said it was well worth the £120 to not have to wait on the NHS.

I (diabetic, jaundiced hypoglycaemic baby) supplement fed from about 4 hours and combined fed until she was 4 1/2 months. Congratulations! Your baby will be getting the benefit of colostrum and the biome benefits of breastfeeding are seen at 40ml day for the first 3 months.
There isn’t a right way, just something that keeps you all safe and sane. You have explored options to help and it is impossible to know what will happen. Most people I know who successfully breastfed were dubious with the first at this stage.
Hugs.

Congratulations on your new baby!

Fed is best and it’s not like you can look at a toddler group, or new reception class intake, and have any clue who was breast versus bottle fed. I know it seems like a huge deal in the beginning but over the course of their childhood it really, really isn’t.

Please don’t feel guilty, you will absolutely still bond without breastfeeding! I had an emergency c-section and drove myself into the ground (and PND) trying to breastfeed and I did eventually exclusively breastfeed at 5 months only to wean at 11

if you do want to do it, this is what I did (caveat that obviously do whatever your lactation consultants say):

• get a double electric pump (medela pumps available reasonably priced on eBay it I don’t recommend medela Freestyle, swing is the best IMO) and express gently after each attempted feed at the breast especially at night if you can bear it. To make the is easier don’t worry too much about sterilising and keeping the milk if you aren’t worried about having a stash, it’s just about removing milk to keep your supply up so just pump and discard at night to avoid having to refrigerate and re-sterilise. You basically want to pump for every time you bottle feed to tell your body you need that much milk, it doesn't matter if you aren’t pumping the same volume
• Do wherever you need to do in the meantime to get baby fed and don’t feel guilty about it, ANY amount of breast milk is meant to be good for them so you’ve already done that
• get a tommee tippee perfect prep- they’re about £10 on Facebook marketplace. If you have to do bottles you might as well make it as easy as possible!
• I did take fenugreek, not sure if it worked or not though

I felt like my baby wouldn’t be as bonded with me because he was in ICU and I couldn’t breastfeed at first, he’s now 4 and we are very close, he never showed any sign of not knowing me so don’t worry if that’s been on your mind!

I do feel for you, bottle, breast and pumping around the clock is soul destroying. With hindsight I’d just formula feed.

hope any of that helped…

Morning! regarding support, would you like further assistance to get breastfeeding going/information on how to breastfeed a tongue-tied baby/increase supply, or would you like support to formula feed? You can also combo-feed.

Regarding laryngomalacia - have you been to your doctor for a formal assessment/confirmation?

I was exactly the same as you, ecs and nipple trauma from tongue tie that made feeding impossible- I expressed too but combo fed. Take each day as it comes with expressing if you can keep it up your supply should be ok but don't choose expressing over being able to cuddle and care for your baby.

Even if you stopped today your baby will have benefit so much from the early breatmilk it got x

@GameOverBoys what happened with your son's laringomalacia? We're waiting for GP apt but I'm so worried he'll need surgery. Its just awful :(

Thanks so much everyone - I so appreciate the support. I actually didn't like BF at all. I found it so stressful and uncomfortable and I just couldn't cope with it all being on me. I just feel the guilt and like I should suck it up and try. I am pumping when I can but my supply definitely feels like it's reducing.

When does the newborn stage get easier? I need some light at the end of the tunnel :( I'm not enjoying it at all and feel awful that I don't feel like I've bonded with DS yet.

Hugs OP. The saying happy wife happy life applies to babies as well, not just husbands !

Being a first time mum is really bewildering and bloody hard. I have 3 DC and I never liked the newborn stage but it was easier the second 2 times because I knew what to expect.

It definitely gets better. Right now, make sure you get out of the house for a good walk each day. It will really help your mental health. Other than that, focus on resting and rebuilding your strength. Formula is fine for baby. He will still thrive.

There will always be support for you on mumsnet so come back here anytime you are feeling low. I always think being a parent is described as the hardest job in the world because the emotions it evokes are like no other job.

Oh love, I remember the guilt. I had a surprise elcs with my DTs, tried to bf which didn’t work, and so started pumping. For a whole day’s worth of pumping, I managed to get one feed each for them. I limped on for a while but had a eureka moment as I was sobbing and absolutely exhausted at about 4am with the bloody pump on both my tits where I suddenly thought wtf am I doing to myself? By that point I wasn’t generating enough for one feed for the two of them a day and I stopped. The guilt was unreal, and I felt like such a colossal failure as a mother and a woman, and tortured myself for being useless for months.

Turns out I had pnd, and once I’d started ads the world became colour again, I felt bonded with my babies, and life became good.

Fed is best. Mine are now at school, and I honestly couldn’t tell you how each kid was fed, other than that they were obviously fed something! You matter too, and if you want to cease bf then try to remind yourself that you did your best by your baby, and by switching to formula, you are still doing your best by your baby.

I found that newborns became easier at around 8/10 weeks.

Please, be kind to yourself. You matter too.

What type of pump you are using? I used handpump for a while and my milk started to go away. Bought an electric pump (they are very expensive, unfortunately) and with that I managed to bring my milk supply back.
I had similar issues- my milk was never enough for my baby and breastfeeding was extremely painful. I did manage to breastfeed for comfort but I never find it a nice experience.
Feeding my baby from a bottle allowed us to have a much better bonding time.

It will get easier. I wouldn’t say there’s an exact point but they stop feeding as frequently, sleep longer, and you get into a rhythm. Breastfeeding is hard and you sound like you have it more difficult than many. With DC1 my nipples bled in the early days and took about 10 weeks to establish/settle/feel comfortable. FWIW DC1 lost 9% and DC2 didn’t get back up to birth weight by day 12 either so I understand how anxious you feel. You’re doing a great job.

I couldn't breastfeed. I don't feel guilty! My daughter thrived on formula and is now a happy healthy six year old. I never allowed myself to feel guilt over this or judgement from anyone else. Once they are past six months no one even cares anyway! When you look at a group of five year olds can you tell which have been bottle fed? Nope!

OP if you don’t like breastfeeding then please just give it up. Pumping is literally twice the work. My MH improved a bit when I gave up the pumping. To make you feel better, remember you have also done really well and your baby has had some breastmilk.

I had an emergency section after failure to progress and then very little BF support - so much pressure to BF but such little help!

Expressing and FF was horrendously hard - I felt like I was spending most of my day dealing with milk and bottles so I stopped pumping, brought a Perfect prep off Amazon and off we went. We've had no problems bonding at all and he's obsessed with me now which is both adorable and annoying!

He had hypospadias and surgery the day after his first birthday. All fine and you'd never know there was anything wrong in the first place, it was far worse for me than for him I think.

It sounds like actually, baby can’t breastfeed rather than you can’t.
So if he can’t get milk efficiently from you, he needs bottles, either as top ups or as a complete switch.
You’re giving him what he needs.

@Laro2323, just switch to formula and you’ll both be happier for it. These early days are hard enough without everything else and mums put so much pressure on themselves sometimes which has an even worse effect on your mental health. You do not have to justify not breastfeeding okay? I wish someone had told me that sometimes it isn’t meant to be or doesn’t work out. I did a la leche league breastfeeding course before baby and they acted like all babies are born and instinctively work their way down and latch on. This was so far from my reality and I went into it being really uninformed about the challenges.

Thank you so much. I just feel such immense guilt - I know deep down I can't BF and that trying is just making my mental health worse but I feel such a pressure to push through. Such a headf*!