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Original poster

Can't BF 12 day old - feel so guilty

42 replies

Laro2323 · 10/09/2023 06:32

I'm a FTM with a 12 day old baby boy. I had an elective c section due to significant anxiety after 2 losses last year. I've had such difficulty BF - have had 2 lactation consultants out, one to do a tongue tie snip but she wouldn't do it because she suspects he has laringomalacia. We've now got to wait for paediatrician apt before she'll do tongue tie snip. This has left me feeling so upset and stressed - DS just isn't efficiently feeding from me so we've been giving formula to make sure he's gaining weight (he lost 8.8% at day 5, still not at birth weight yet). He also may have hypospadias and we have an apt this week for that.

My mental health is at rock bottom and I've really struggled to bond and cope with all the newborn demands. My husband is so supportive but I don't know how I'll cope when he goes back to work.

I feel SO guilty about not being able to BF. I have been expressing but I feel like my supply is already dwindling which makes me feel even worse.

Just looking for some reassurance really!

OP posts:

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Plumful · 10/09/2023 16:35

Where is this pressure coming from?

CouldThereBeYes · 10/09/2023 16:38

Hi, there are so many advantages to bottle feeding! I couldnt bf, only tried for a day or 2. (Also didn't like it very much). But dc didnt get enough in her, crying crying. So started bottle feeding and it changed our world! I was able to sleep for whole nights, hubby did the night feeds (he thought it more important for me to have slept well staying at home with a newborn, rather than him having slept well and go do his job, which he knows how to do with his eyes closed, so kind hubby). Once I went for a checkup, sat there all radiant and happy and not sleep deprived, and the first thing the doctor said was 'ha you look so well you must bottle feed!'. It surprised me. She explained formula is so good these days theres no need to worry about not bf and just be this happy and go on with what I was doing.
Plus it is very easy to know what dc drank, I mean it is written on the bottle, and not on your breast!
Dc slept very very well with a full stomach. I slept very very well. And grandparents could just put a box of formula in the cabinet and everyones always prepaired. Go for it op. You will recover more quickly and you'll see after a good night sleep (you can take turns now), the world and your mh will look much better.

CouldThereBeYes · 10/09/2023 16:40

No advice on your baby's illness though, so sorry.
Ours had different issues and a sick child takes up all your energy. Best wishes.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Antenatal & postnatal Babies & sleep Breast & bottle feeding

pythongreenporsche · 10/09/2023 16:45

It's not a lost cause if you want to breastfeed but it sounds like it's causing you more harm than the good it can do your baby. You've done so well- the first days are awful. Can recommend Breastfeeding Guilt and Trauma by Amy Brown to help deal with your feelings if you do decide to/ have to stop

Stripeypyjamas · 10/09/2023 16:48

If you are desperate to breast feed then try shields if you haven't already. They saved bf for me with a very tongue tied baby. But do what's best for you and baby.

Hyperthyroidkitty · 10/09/2023 17:01

I couldn't bf either of mine for different reasons and gosh the relief when I finally stopped beating myself up was amazing. I got to actually bond with my babies. I promise you it seems huge now but it really isn't. A fed baby is a happy baby, a happy baby is a happy mum :) you've done amazing for trying so hard so far so if you choose to stop please be kind to yourself.

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 19:57

Laro2323 · 10/09/2023 16:24

Thank you so much. I just feel such immense guilt - I know deep down I can't BF and that trying is just making my mental health worse but I feel such a pressure to push through. Such a headf*!

It’s so tempting to feel like a failure if you can’t/don’t want to breastfeed even if you KNOW fed is best. I even feel guilty about starting weaning at 6 months

it’s not worth the heartache, your mental health is hard enough to maintain with postnatal pregnancy hormones and sleepless nights. If you don’t like breastfeeding don’t do it!

terraced · 10/09/2023 19:59

I BF for 3 days and found it awful so switched to bottle. I was much happier and a better mum as a result. Baby is now a thriving 15 year old!

GameOverBoys · 10/09/2023 20:15

He just grew out of it. It was worrying when he was younger because he sounded like he was dying every time he got a cough. He has pectus excavatum and is floppy in his joints but apart from terrible handwriting you would know.

AegonT · 10/09/2023 20:16

Your hormones are all over the place this soon after birth and this will be making you feel much worse. I know you might be feeling disappointed with how difficult breastfeeding has been but you really have tried through challenges and should feel proud of that and in no way guilty. He will be absolutely fine on bottles of formula if that is what you decide to do. Let go of the guilt!

Redebs · 10/09/2023 20:19

You have had a massively stressful experience and your body is going through major physical and hormonal changes after the birth. A c section is major surgery! You must be physically and mentally exhausted.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. It's wonderful that all has gone well for you all and that your husband is so involved.

If you do want to breastfeed, you haven't 'blown it' yet. A hand pump is probably the simplest way to keep your supply going, but the sooner you can get your baby checked and if necessary treated, the better. As you know, milk supply is encouraged by frequent feeds and a proper latch, so your lactation consultants are key here.

If you don't want to breastfeed, then that's entirely your decision. The NHS website gives very clear instructions for formula feeding.

Either way, here's hoping you have many wonderful times ahead as a happy and loving family ❤️

PinkRoses1245 · 10/09/2023 20:20

Fed is best. It’s appalling that any one should feel guilty about this.

GolgafrinchamB · 10/09/2023 20:25

Be kinder to yourself, OP, you’ve been through a lot.

Breastfeeding can be more challenging after a section, and to be brutally honest the first fortnight was a nightmare.

It’s also really common not to regain birthweight for a couple of weeks.

Every mouthful of colostrum he gets is improving his health outcomes. You are doing brilliantly to give him this chance and you should take pride in what you’ve accomplished so far.

If breastfeeding isn’t working for you and your baby, that’s ok. Don’t judge yourself. You gave him a great start, and you did it despite how challenging it is for you. You’re already bossing it as a mum!

I found around 2 weeks both the baby and I just “got it” each time (all C sections, some emergency).
But had we not, I would still have known I’d done my best for my baby in the circumstances I was in.

Congratulations on your little boy, and be proud of yourself as his mum.

OrangeTabbyCat · 10/09/2023 20:43

Just here in solidarity. My newborn and I went through something similar in the beginning. She had a mild tongue tie but they said it would resolve itself (it did) but the first three months were hard. She was also preterm and born before her sucking reflex developed so breastfeeding was very rocky. I did a combo of pumping breast milk and giving formula. I will say the first month she didn't drink from the breast at all. But the second month she started latching (makes sense because this was the gestational period that her reflex should develop.) At this point we were able to start slowly introducing breastfeeding and over the course of the next couple of months we slowly cut back on formula and switched her to exclusive breastfeeding and she breastfed for a year and a half!

You are doing amazing momma. Do not feel guilty. You are making sure your baby is getting the nutrition that they need to grow and that is what is important. Not every momma and baby has got it easy. Wet nurses used to exist for a reason. Breastfeeding is harder for some of us. You and your baby will push through this I promise. Just stay strong. Be kind to yourself. Trust that this will pass.

Hyperthyroidkitty · 12/09/2023 23:13

@Laro2323 hope you're doing ok, those early days with a newborn are a wild ride ❤️

caringcarer · 12/09/2023 23:35

At the time if you can't BF it seems like the end of the world but honestly providing you give the baby nourishment by expressing or formula the baby won't care. You could try to do all the feeds yourself for the first month if you worry about bonding. You could also take your top off so your baby can smell you whilst it is feeding. That will help Bonding. By the time your baby is 6 months and smiling at you you'll have forgotten about the BF upset. You have a lovely new baby please enjoy the experience and don't waste it by worrying too much.

GoldenSpangles · 13/09/2023 15:31

Breast feeding failed with me too. My first actually lost weight, got dehydrated and I was told if I didn't get formula into him he'd need to be admitted for rehydration on a drip. He's a very healthy fourth year medical student now! I still remember the look of happiness on his face when he got his hands on that bottle of formula and he was clinging on to it with all his strength. The main point is that they get fed and modern formula is the next best thing to breast milk.

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