Grandparents expecting too much

[User0311]

I'd just like to know if anyone is in a similar position to me. I have 3 lovely children all primary school age, daily life can be quite hectic. Their grandparents (my parents) are in their 60s, retired, in good health and both drive etc. they expect to see my children all the time, but never visit us. They want us to visit them a minimum of once or twice a week. They have been to our home once in the past 18 months but always go on about how they are sat waiting to see the grandchildren and how I don't take them enough to visit. I'm losing the will. I know people will just say to stop visiting but that would cause hassle and constant calls and texts asking when I am visiting again that it isn't worth not going. Anyone experienced similar?

Ask them to visit you. Why don’t they visit you anyway? How far away are they?

They are 30 minutes away. They don't like the drive to our house. But it's the same drive for me with the 3 children.

Do you actually invite them to your house?

So send 1 text saying that the next visit is next month on the x for y time. You don't have any more availability. But they're more than welcome to come to you.

Then every response etc just reply with
As I've said you're more than welcome to come visit us. Or block them for a bit.

The answer is pretty easy - tell them they will need to meet you halfway on this because you're life is actually pretty hectic with 3 kids, and if they're not willing to compromise then you'll need to reduce visiting them. If they don't like the drive then surely they can use a bus.

Well done though, you've probably just instigated a huge thread of grandparent-bashing

Went through similar with my inlaws. However often we tried to placate them with visits it was never enough, so eventually I thought sod this, we'll never please them so we may as well please ourselves. We still got constant gripes about how "we never see you" but didn't visit half so much. Take a step back and be honest that twice a week is too much. If they're that keen they can come to you!

The answer is pretty easy - tell them they will need to meet you halfway on this because you're life is actually pretty hectic with 3 kids, and if they're not willing to compromise then you'll need to reduce visiting them. If they don't like the drive then surely they can use a bus.

This.

This is why our visits to grandparents dropped to once every couple of months. When you have a busy family, it just makes sense for local, fit and healthy grandparents to come to you, or even come to the dc's sports matches and so forth.

Thank you for this, I also feel like whatever I do is never enough. I could visit 5 out of 7 days and it wouldn't be enough

Say that. Tell them you’d love to see them more but they haven’t visited in 18 months. Tell them you’re upset they don’t make more effort to see you and their grandchildren.

Basically, make all the same complaints as they do.

Every time the mention the drive is too much/they don't like just reply "neither do I and nor do the kids"

When they say "we don't see the GC enough", you say "I know, we've been really upset about how little effort you make to come visit us."

When they say "we've only seen you once this week" you say "but we invited you to ours twice and you chose not to come, so that was your choice, not ours."

They'll either:
A) realise they're in the wrong and make more effort to come to you (problem solved)

B) Refuse to admit they're causing the problem, in which case you know they're impossible to please and can stop trying (problem solved, albeit in a different way).

Yes agreed. I think taking turns to visit at theirs/yours/halfway is more than reasonable and unless there is some big backstory about their health needs or something it would be kinder for them to visit you/meet closer to you given you have 3 kids to cart around and organise.

We invite the grandparents to watch the kids at activities. Come and watch them play football and have a coffee in a cafe after. Come and pick them up from cubs and have a coffee after. Kids are busy and life is busy.

I figured a long time ago that no matter what I did it wasn't enough. So I only visit when it suits, but I invite them to their activities. I also meet for coffee and leave kids with them while I shop, get hair done etc.

What is the problem with the drive to your house? Do they not ever travel any distance from their own house then?

When my oldest where that age my Dad used to drive over 200 miles each way to see them. Some grandparents don't know how lucky they are.

What would be their reaction if you put it to them straight, @User0311? I'd just say that logistically it is taking up too much time to ferry all three children to their house twice a week and that they need to take turns making the trip to yours. Then invite them round on a specific date. If they refuse, start pulling back. They know the score, how they choose to react is their issue.

Time for a frank but friendly chat.
We are very tired, we have x,y,z activities. We would love to see you - you are always welcome to come and see us. We will come and see you on x day of the month/twice monthly.
Then see what happens.
They may still complain- let is wash over you. Make non committal mmm noises. Vague but no.man definate ‘oh yes’ or be more frank - Mum, Dad we explained your situation.
We had this many years ago - kids now teens. I feel your pain and massive frustration. It’s also hurtful. But it’s their choice. You have a busy family life. Stick to your guns.

We're a similar distance and visit at most once a month. Our door is always open and GP visit us at least twice a week which works really well. They tie it in with taking the kids to an activity too so they feel included and useful and it gives me an hour back which is brilliant. Could you suggest something like this which might make them feel the drive is OK?

My in-laws were like this. My PIL has only ever visited our home once; my MIL maybe 10-12 times. DD is six. They do now have health issues, but it makes me sad that earlier, when they were more able, they simply didn't feel it was a priority.

I presume from your post that simply explaining the issue to them as you've posted it here isn't an option (I do get why it might not be). So, can you hint/model it for them? Next time they mention not seeing the kids, mention that your friend X's parents pick her kids up from school once a week? Were your own grandparents a bit more willing to do the running? Remind them. Or are your in-laws more likely to come round? Say so. It might just be that your parents need a bit of a reminder of what's possible.

Also, if they haven't been to your house in 18 months, what happens at Christmas and on or near the children's birthdays?

We have Christmas to ourselves (much to their dismay) and then visit them Boxing Day. They haven't visited for my children's birthdays as it usually falls on a school day anyway but will exchange gifts etc when we visit them

My in-laws whinge in a similar way but they are 80 and live nearly 2 hours away! I'd not have much patience with yours, OP.

I'd certainly not be driving your DC to GPs house on school nights, that would be ridiculous. There are loads of valid reasons what school age SC are too busy to see GPs weekly or more.

They're never going to change if you keep caving and taking your DC over to theirs.

Just pick one day a week and visit.

If you can tackle the thorny issue of Christmas, you handle this! Just put them straight that you need them to take turns so you'll be cutting visits to their house to once a fortnight and they can come to yours in between. If they don't like it, tough. They either make an effort to see their DGC at yours or they see them less.