Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Biological Father

40 replies

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 16:24

I don't really know how to articulate this but how important is it to identify biological parent after 42 years if you have no contact with them?

Quick back story, parents married & separated extremely young in 1979. Supposedly Biological dad never had anything to do with me since they separated (I was 2 at the time) step dad raised me and I don't really remember a time he wasn't there. My kids don't know that he is not there bio grandad. It has come to light 'parents' had some kind of open marriage and there are 2 other men that potentially could be bio dad (Jerry springer stuff I know) however my son is 16 and I need to tell him (& his 12 year old sister) about their bio grandad.

Mother says she is 99.9 percent sure my bio father was the man she was married to & who she told me it was all along but there is a tiny chance there is not. She told me this as I told her I wanted to get DNA test done on my bio dad before I tell my kids as I want to be 100% sure but she thinks it's best not to open a can of worms by telling them at all. I have no idea who these other 2 men are.

My head is absolutely fried so please no hate. I only discovered this myself a few weeks ago. I need to tell my kids that their grandad is not their bio grandad but how do I do that without telling them who their bio grandad is without being 100% sure. I don't want to tell them I'm 99.9 % sure it's this man when there is even a small doubt as I don't want them to be in my position in 40 years time. How in heavens name do I even begin to story this out.

How important is it to know? Is it worth digging up the past when there will be no relationship either way (supposedly bio dad is extremely odd - doesn't even speak with most of his family (siblings/nieces etc)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

bakewellbride · 07/09/2023 17:11

I did this and mine turned out to be abusive so I would not recommend it! It was utterly awful and traumatic. He's dead now thankfully and the world is a safer place.

Azaeleasinbloom · 07/09/2023 17:18

i don’t think your children do need to know, unless your step dad wants them to know. Your mother’s sexual history is not their business and as you do not expect to have a relationship with the biological father , I would think it’s irrelevant.
That said, it would likely be something I would tell after the grandparents have gone, but hopefully that’s a long time away.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 07/09/2023 17:20

You really don't need to blow your dc's relationship with their dgf apart....

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds 16 year olds Families General parenting

Original poster

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 17:28

@bakewellbride

Thank you. I kind of know the man I always thought was bio father. I have a very casual relationship with my 'cousins' / uncle etc (my kids don't) but really just through facebook or to stop for a quick chat if we bumped into each other. He is not abusive just odd as in very into the church (the irony) and extremely introverted. Doesn't seem to get along with anyone. If he is definitely bio father, nothing would change. Just that my kids know where they come from. (The other 2 I don't know - only that one was married and my mother was their child kinder - I don't even know if it would be possible to get DNA test done with those 2)

Do you have children? Have you any advice on how to tell the kids without telling them there are 3 possibilities and without outright lying to them)

Thanks for much.

OP posts:

Mischance · 07/09/2023 17:30

There may come a time when they might need to have this information for medical reasons.

titchy · 07/09/2023 17:31

As other posters have asked - why do you want to tell your children their gf isn't biologically related to them? If you can explain that maybe people can help with how to let them know.

Original poster

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 17:38

Thanks @Azaeleasinbloom

Sorry don't mean to drip feed details but the reason I feel I have to tell them now is that my mother & stepdad never got married but now at 60 (& 5 other adult kids) they have decided to tie the knot at the end of October. My kids know my mother got married young but obviously always assumed it was to granddad. (No one knows about this marriage until the day only me as it will literally be a surprise wedding with just the immediate family)

Also all my siblings know and I afraid they will tell their children someday. I just worry things like this don't stay buried forever.

OP posts:

titchy · 07/09/2023 17:47

I don't think the upcoming marriage is an issue. You just let them know she was married to another man when she was younger.

Are your siblings all in agreement about whether to reveal all?

Nottodaty · 07/09/2023 17:48

Honesty is always better , but you don’t need to tell them all details.

My Mums step-dad was to us simply Grandad. (They never married either) Not quite the same situation as you as my Mum knew who her biological father was. He had left her Mum after a short marriage. Growing up we must have been told at some point but as children we know who are the people in our lives and who spends the time with us. Mums Dad did appear later in our lives but we never really bonded, and it was all a bit to late for the Grandchildren. My mum did try to have a relationship but we all could see what type of person he was so had very little to do with him.

BingoandBlueyForever · 07/09/2023 17:54

You can tell them some of the info without telling them all the info.
So you could say that their GF is actually your stepdad and that you’re mum and bio dad divorced when you were tiny and your bio dad wasn’t really involved in your life afterwards. And that’s how it’s possible that GM was married once before but her and GF and now getting married. And you could stop there. That would be ok.

Original poster

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 18:00

@titchy

No I haven't spoken to my siblings about it yet. Only my mam & dad (stepdad)

OP posts:

Original poster

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 18:03

@BingoandBlueyForever

Yes that is exactly what I want to do but I know my 16 year old will ask 'who is our bio grandad then'?

What you are saying is exactly how I would love to approach this but don't know how to answer the bio grandad question.

Have you any advice on how to respond to that.

Thank you so much.

OP posts:

titchy · 07/09/2023 18:07

You say it's the man you think it probably is. I don't see any benefit in saying it's probably Bob, but Nana also has sex with Dave and Pete so it might be them as well. Just say it's a man called Bob who has never been involved and as far as you're concerned step-dad is your actually dad and their grandfather.

Original poster

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 18:18

Thanks @titchy

I'm actually getting a completely different response (on the whole) to this than I thought I would. I thought I would be slated for lying to my children (even though I never actually thought that is what I was doing at the time) & that I should definitely get to the bottom of it as they have a right to know where they come from (I think now that is what I am telling myself over the whole thing) my head is melted with all this and maybe I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion.

I know nobody can answer this for me as such - but would you be comfortable telling the kids the man she was married to was bio grandad when I have minor doubts about it? is it putting them in my situation down the line. I really don't want to go digging up the past but worry that everything always comes out in the end.

OP posts:

ElEmEnOhPee · 07/09/2023 18:58

I have been the child who was lied to about a (paternal) grandfather. My dad was adopted by his step father when he was around 2 years old and didn't know until he was around 40 years old. I found out by "accident" when a family member started discussing it with me assuming I knew, I hit the roof. I wouldn't have minded AT ALL being sat down and told about it by either of my parents, I would have shrugged it off and declared that he would always be my grandfather blood or not. The way I found out made me feel betrayed and as though everyone in my family knew except for me and my brother, it caused a lot of pain. Purely based on my own circumstances I would say tell them.

Also if you want to find out he is then I would suggest an Ancestry DNA test, even if he hasn't done one you can probably find out who he is based on other matches. I found out who was my (maternal) grandfathers biological father after my grandfather died with him never having known his name or anything else about it. It bothered my grandfather not knowing who his dad was so I'm glad I know now even though it's too late for my grandfather.

titchy · 07/09/2023 19:04

but would you be comfortable telling the kids the man she was married to was bio grandad when I have minor doubts about it? is it putting them in my situation down the line. I really don't want to go digging up the past but worry that everything always comes out in the end.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell them that. You're a generation closer, it's probably harder for you to accept the slight possibility your father is someone else.

CobraChicken · 07/09/2023 19:07

As @ElEmEnOhPee suggested, I would do Ancestry DNA if I were you. You'll be able to tell if you're related to who you think is your bio father by the matches it throws up that aren't from your mum's side. Likely to only get distant cousins, but should still be enough information (from your match's surnames and family trees) to work out if they (and therefore you) are related to your mum's first husband or not.

RichieMcAl · 07/09/2023 19:08

It depends if the others are local, I.E is there any chance your children could date a cousin? If there is you need to make certain.

Original poster

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 19:12

@titchy

Yes you are probably right. Im assuming my kids will feel like the ground has been pulled from underneath them as that I I feel. I'm not allowing for the different generations

OP posts:

Original poster

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 19:15

@ElEmEnOhPee

What is ancestry DNA? How do I go about looking up that?

OP posts:

Original poster

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 19:20

@RichieMcAl

The man I always thought was bio dad is local but never had any more children. The other two, I actually don't know anything about. My mother is very vague on the details. I'm annoyed with her for not sorting this all out herself at the time but also trying to remember she was 17 at the time so I'm not pushing her too much for info.

OP posts:

CobraChicken · 07/09/2023 19:25

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 19:15

@ElEmEnOhPee

What is ancestry DNA? How do I go about looking up that?

https://www.ancestry.co.uk/c/dna/offer

AncestryDNA® | DNA Tests for Ethnicity & Genealogy DNA

https://www.ancestry.co.uk/c/dna/offer

Original poster

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 19:26

Thank you @ElEmEnOhPee

I'm in Ireland but I assume there is a Irish part

OP posts:

ElEmEnOhPee · 07/09/2023 19:27

Ancestry DNA is a DNA test that you take that can match you with family members who have also taken the test. The results are listed by closest relative first, I have thousands of matches but only about 20 - 30 closer matches. People take these tests primarily in relation to their Ancestry family trees that they have compiled from the records available on Ancestry, these tests can help you figure out if your research is correct and can often throw curve balls because some people find out they're not related to who they thought they were!

Once you have the DNA results you can download them and upload them to some other databases to find matches if you want to. There are Facebook groups that would happily help you with finding out who your father is from your DNA results alone, I think one of the groups is called DNA Detectives but there are others that can probably be found with a quick search.

ElEmEnOhPee · 07/09/2023 19:28

You can match with people from all over the world on there, it doesn't matter where you're located.

Flip

1 2