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Original poster

Biological Father

40 replies

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 16:24

I don't really know how to articulate this but how important is it to identify biological parent after 42 years if you have no contact with them?

Quick back story, parents married & separated extremely young in 1979. Supposedly Biological dad never had anything to do with me since they separated (I was 2 at the time) step dad raised me and I don't really remember a time he wasn't there. My kids don't know that he is not there bio grandad. It has come to light 'parents' had some kind of open marriage and there are 2 other men that potentially could be bio dad (Jerry springer stuff I know) however my son is 16 and I need to tell him (& his 12 year old sister) about their bio grandad.

Mother says she is 99.9 percent sure my bio father was the man she was married to & who she told me it was all along but there is a tiny chance there is not. She told me this as I told her I wanted to get DNA test done on my bio dad before I tell my kids as I want to be 100% sure but she thinks it's best not to open a can of worms by telling them at all. I have no idea who these other 2 men are.

My head is absolutely fried so please no hate. I only discovered this myself a few weeks ago. I need to tell my kids that their grandad is not their bio grandad but how do I do that without telling them who their bio grandad is without being 100% sure. I don't want to tell them I'm 99.9 % sure it's this man when there is even a small doubt as I don't want them to be in my position in 40 years time. How in heavens name do I even begin to story this out.

How important is it to know? Is it worth digging up the past when there will be no relationship either way (supposedly bio dad is extremely odd - doesn't even speak with most of his family (siblings/nieces etc)

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Original poster
user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 19:31

Actually does anyone know if my first 'cousins' DNA would tell me if her uncle is my Bio dad?

Would this be worth trying? My only fear would be that if it didn't turn out the way I want it to, I then couldn't tell kids the man I always thought to be my bio dad was their bio grandad.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 19:32

Thanks so much @ElEmEnOhPee

OP posts:
mycoffeecup · 07/09/2023 19:32

Mischance · 07/09/2023 17:30

There may come a time when they might need to have this information for medical reasons.

as a GP I can't think of a single time in my 20 year career where the health information of a grandparent has been critical to know.

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ElEmEnOhPee · 07/09/2023 19:37

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 19:31

Actually does anyone know if my first 'cousins' DNA would tell me if her uncle is my Bio dad?

Would this be worth trying? My only fear would be that if it didn't turn out the way I want it to, I then couldn't tell kids the man I always thought to be my bio dad was their bio grandad.

Yes because you would be half siblings and Ancestry would likely show the relationship as such. They'd be able to guesstimate the relationship based on how many centimorgans of DNA that you share. There are also lots of charts that would show you how different ways you could be related based on how much DNA you share.

Original poster
user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 19:37

Oh really @mycoffeecup

That is really good to know. Cancer runs in my supposedly bio dads family. Grandmother & aunt died of breast cancer and 'bio' dad had colon cancer about 10 years ago. My doctor said no need to worry but it was always at the back of my mind if there was more cancer in that side of the family and I just didn't know about it.

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Original poster
user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 19:39

Thanks so much @ElEmEnOhPee you have been extremely helpful

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mycoffeecup · 07/09/2023 19:52

user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 19:37

Oh really @mycoffeecup

That is really good to know. Cancer runs in my supposedly bio dads family. Grandmother & aunt died of breast cancer and 'bio' dad had colon cancer about 10 years ago. My doctor said no need to worry but it was always at the back of my mind if there was more cancer in that side of the family and I just didn't know about it.

It's mainly first degree relatives that are of interest. I can't say never, but it's a much bigger thing on the TV than in real life!

Original poster
user1470739004 · 07/09/2023 20:01

Thanks @mycoffeecup

OP posts:
Hawkins0009 · 07/09/2023 20:17

i can understand your perspectives, i mainly would like to know more about my bio dad, to answer or at least help me understand things about myself better than i do,

that said sometimes a lie could be more helpful than the truth , ?

Ghostjail · 07/09/2023 20:26

I think one of the reasons to be honest about it with your children is because THEY might decide to do some ancestry DNA testing at some point and depending on what results they get back, they might end up feeling huge stress about how to tell YOU that your dad's not your dad!!!

It doesn't need to be deep and meaningful for them. My kids know the man they call Papa isn't my dad and it barely comes.

bakewellbride · 07/09/2023 20:56

I do have children op but no advice on that, sorry.

Riverlee · 07/09/2023 21:00

You don’t have to tell your kids that your stepdad isn’t their grandad, because ge is their grandad.

You just need to say that your mother was married to someone else first/had another partner, and that person was your dad. However, you never really knew him and consider your stepdad as your real dad.

Mossstitch · 07/09/2023 22:10

Riverlee · 07/09/2023 21:00

You don’t have to tell your kids that your stepdad isn’t their grandad, because ge is their grandad.

You just need to say that your mother was married to someone else first/had another partner, and that person was your dad. However, you never really knew him and consider your stepdad as your real dad.

This☝

I think your overthinking this. I'm from a similar set up, my adult kids were told at some point as teenagers that their grandad was my stepdad and that my biological father had no contact with me since I was a baby. All very casually as in always known. They never asked any in depth questions about this just accepted that my stepdad was their grandad.

cocksstrideintheevening · 07/09/2023 22:22

It's a can of worms I'd rather not touch

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