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Parenting

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Original poster

I made the biggest mistake

34 replies

Anonmum1993 · 28/08/2023 15:57

I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this, and I'm happy to receive it as I 10000% deserve it, but I've made the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life and I tapped my child on the bum. I feel absolutely awful the guilt is eating me up, and I just can't understand why I ever did something like that. I was never smacked asa child. I know this makes me a bad parent, I am ashamed of myself. I know better. My child didn't cry, but he was shocked. I am absolutely against smacking so I am just so mad at myself, I just think I've ruined all the trust we had, I'm pretty much an abuser and I feel so so so terrible. I can't stop crying about it, it was a couple of days ago but I think it over all day. I said sorry straight away after and gave him a cuddle.

I've been such a gentle parent up until then, I've breastfed, baby wore, never left him to cry, we bed share, I rock and cyddle him to sleep every night. I'm normally great at keeping my cool, I get on his level during tantrums and try to understand what he needs, I've never shamed him, never done time outs or any sort of punishment. I've only shouted a handful of times when he bit me. I'm so confused why I did this horrible thing and what should I do?
For context when I tapped his bum we were laying on his bed and I was trying to get him to nap. I was exhausted but that's no excuse. He was climbing all over me (he's very rough witj me) he kept grabbing me and hitting my face, trying to jump on me etc. I was gently telling him to use his kind hands and stop, I was about to get off the bed to move myself away when he rolled off me and kicked me as hard as he could 3 times really hard in the chest. I just snapped and tapped him on yhe bum.and said stop! I feel like the worst person. I am under a lot of stress in my relationship with his dad so I don't know I'm just on edge but I'm so worried about the damage I've done to our relations and I'm well aware smacking does not work in terms of correcting behaviour. I just needed to get it off my chest and any horrible comments I will gladly receive as I deserve it.

OP posts:

wherethewestwindblows · 28/08/2023 16:11

Physical punishment is never, ever appropriate. That said, other than to reiterate your belief (and state it as my own) I don't think you need berating any further for it. You know it was wrong and you're rightly reflecting on your actions. What it does scream is that you need to take action: do something that will ease the tension within your relationship, such as a real sit down conversation, relationship counselling if you feel you need a mediator or to take some time away from the relationship environment, and/or do something to address how you're feeling/coping, be that seeking support from family/friends or professionals. You have the responsibility to do what is necessary to ensure you never find yourself in a situation where you lose control that you become physical towards your child again; doing so will be the best amends you can make.

Tina8800 · 28/08/2023 16:11

I couldn't help but smile. Is this your biggest mistake?
If you are a bad parent, we all are!
You didn't smack your child hard- they probably forgot about it 2 seconds later.
You feel horrible about it. That's ok. Now you learned something and move on.

It is difficult when they act like this- just put them into the cot (bed) and leave them for a while. A few minutes crying won't hurt them; and you get a chance to clear your head.

Bonbon21 · 28/08/2023 16:12

You did wrong.
You will remember that forever.
Your baby however, has had a shock, and maybe a scare.
But he is experiencing new things every day and WILL forget this is in the hurly burly of his little life.
You need to remember the lesson you have learned here, then forget the act.
Lots of cuddles, giggles and laughter and you will both be fine.
And when the play gets too boisterous in future, remove one or other of you from the situation, little kids cant self regulate.. that is an ongoing lesson through life as you have just re-learned
Address the issue with your other half.. that will improve the pressure you are under currently.
You are a great Mum... this one-off incident doesnt change that.
Be kind to you. X

andjustlikethat1 · 28/08/2023 18:24

Bonbon21 · 28/08/2023 16:12

Boke

GardeningIdiot · 28/08/2023 18:31

Why do you keep saying "tapped"? You mean "smacked"?

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 28/08/2023 18:33

Op imo you reacted after being repeatedly hit. Reflex response I reckon. . Your dc won't be scarred. And maybe won't be kicking you in future.

Valerie23 · 28/08/2023 18:35

The kid will be fine.

Millions of us grew up decades ago and the occasional smack on the bum and we have all turned out well and have great relationships with our parents.

It's very dramatic to do all this hand wringing which is only going to cause the child to focus more on what happened than if you just move on and don't do it again.

You are a parent kit your child's friend and need to address the child kicking you as I certainly never had any of mine do that.

PureAmazonian · 28/08/2023 18:38

We all make mistakes as parents. Don't beat yourself up over this. He likely won't remember anything about it. Parenting is hard sometimes, cut yourself some slack. Just don't do it again.

Dartmoorcheffy · 28/08/2023 18:40

Ofgs you did nothing wrong. Maybe he will realise its not OK to hit and kick his mother. I wouldn't be judging you at all. I grew up in the 70s and occasionally had a slip on my backside or the neck of my legs after ignoring repeated warnings when I was naughty. It did me no harm, and it won't have harmed your child either.

angstridden2 · 28/08/2023 18:40

OMG the handwringing. Pretty sure my parents didn’t stew over the couple of times I got a smack. They were good parents and I loved them, didn’t need therapy. Don’t do it again and try to address the aggressive behaviour he’s directing at you.

NuffSaidSam · 28/08/2023 18:45

Firstly, chill out. There will be no lasting damage.

Secondly, maybe review the super gentle parenting and find something that works a bit better? From the sound of his behaviour it's not working for him. It's clearly not working for you.

Find a middle ground between being completely ineffective and then losing your tag and smacking him.

NuffSaidSam · 28/08/2023 18:48

GardeningIdiot · 28/08/2023 18:31

Why do you keep saying "tapped"? You mean "smacked"?

Presumably she's saying tapped because she means tapped. If she meant smacked, she'd say smacked.

That's generally how language works.

Hercisback · 28/08/2023 18:49

Stealth boast.

Chill.

Realise gentle parenting doesn't work for everything.

116a · 28/08/2023 18:52

You said you tapped your child. If it was a 'tap' why were they shocked?

You're either catastrophising this completely and getting upset over a literal tap, or you smacked them. If it's the first, in the nicest way possible get a grip. If you smacked them.. that's a different story.

'I made the biggest mistake of my life, I tapped my child' doesn't really go in the same sentence.

GettingStuffed · 28/08/2023 18:52

If your child is young enough to need a nap, surely they're still in nappies so you tapped your child on the nappy.

That doesn't sound so bad does it.

M340 · 28/08/2023 18:53

Hercisback · 28/08/2023 18:49

Stealth boast.

Chill.

Realise gentle parenting doesn't work for everything.

I'm thinking the same. Lots of unnecessary drool.

HawdMeBack · 28/08/2023 19:01

"I tapped my child on the bum".

"I'm pretty much an abuser".

No. You're overdramatic!

GardeningIdiot · 28/08/2023 19:02

So why was the child "shocked", @NuffSaidSam? Why is OP having a meltdown. And why is she talking about never having been "smacked" herself?

Language is often used to obscure.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 28/08/2023 19:02

Seriously? That's not the biggest mistake. Gently, you need to pull yourself together, stop panicking about something so little, and start setting solid enforceable boundaries and routines so your child feels secure and stops hitting out. It's never ok for a child to attack you like that and they need to learn that.

It's not popular these days but we use the naughty step with both DCs and it's been very effective for us. We don't ever abandon them (our stairs are in our living room) and we sit on the stairs with them if they're very upset and after their time is up we have an age appropriate conversation telling them why they are here. For almost-two-year-old DD that's a concrete "no hitting mummy" and for preschooler DS that's "can you tell me why you are here?" followed by a simple explanation to build on what he says. We also walk away from tantrums and don't give them attention. Both DCs stopped that very quickly after starting because it didn't get the desired result of us pandering to them.

WinterWillReturn · 28/08/2023 19:06

He’ll be ok. But don’t do it again. It’s not who you want to be as a parent.

But take responsibility properly. You didn’t ‘tap’ him. You smacked him. Own what you did. These euphemisms are not helpful.

Angliski · 28/08/2023 19:09

Someone pointed out to me recently that what we put up with from our toddlers is babsically domestic violence. We have to put up with it because it isn’t appropriate to hurt little people when they hurt us, but that doesn’t make it easy.

i pushed my ds away once when he just kept on biting me. It was self
defence. He still loves me. No scars.

OP my child recently had to spend 4 months without me while I was in intensive care. It sucked badly for all of us. 4 months later the only scar from this is that he sometimes asks ‘are you coming back?’ When I leave. They’re much more resilient than we think. Don’t berate yourself. Learn, forgive and move on.

NuffSaidSam · 28/08/2023 19:35

GardeningIdiot · 28/08/2023 19:02

So why was the child "shocked", @NuffSaidSam? Why is OP having a meltdown. And why is she talking about never having been "smacked" herself?

Language is often used to obscure.

Obviously tricky for me to answer all those questions because, like you, I wasn't there.

If you want me to guess based on the OP (which is what you're doing) I would say:

The child was shocked because normally when he is aggressive like this he doesn't receive any more than a gentle eye-level chit chat. He'd have been shocked if she said 'NO' and moved his legs away.

The OP is having a 'meltdown' (your word, not mine) because she is tired and having a difficult time. She's just swung from one end of the ineffective parenting line to the other, shocking and upsetting herself.

She's talking about never having been smacked herself because she feels.its relevant to what's she's done here.

Out of interest, what do you think the difference between a tap and a smack is? I'd say they involve two different motivations and two different levels of force. If the OP says it was a tap, I'm prepared to believe her given she was the one there.

GardeningIdiot · 28/08/2023 19:46

You're wasting your time, @NuffSaidSam. I'm not reading that wall of text.

NuffSaidSam · 28/08/2023 19:48

GardeningIdiot · 28/08/2023 19:46

You're wasting your time, @NuffSaidSam. I'm not reading that wall of text.

Oh ok. I'm only answering the questions you asked me. If you didn't want answers, why ask?! 😂.

But, I understand, reading can be difficult.

Cowlover89 · 28/08/2023 20:20

You are not a bad mam. You did nothing wrong. X

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