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Original poster

Disowned for 12 years

26 replies

Tr4H0l · 27/08/2023 15:00

Hello. I (60F) am not sure how to start so I'll just get it out. I have two kids, a boy (35) and a girl (33), I was married to their father for 25 years. I had an affair when my son was 23 and my daughter 21. I divorced their father and remarried. My last contact with my son was 12 years ago when he found out. I sent an E-mail explaining what had happened, as he wouldn't answer his phone. My last contact I ever recieved from him was being called a "w-e".

I've tried to contact him several times over the years, and have conveyed messages to him through his sister. Which, she said, he basically pretends he hasn't heard - zero response or acknowledgement. Apparently, he told his partner that I had committed s-e when he was 23 which shocked me.

Is there anything I can do? I'm getting old, and the idea of never seeing or speaking to my boy again tears me apart. I can't contact him directly as he changed his E-mail, phone number, and I don't know his address. Thanks.

OP posts:
ItsNotRocketSalad · 27/08/2023 15:03

What do you mean, you were called a "we?" What is s**e?

He knows you want to be in contact and he knows how to get hold of you if he wants. There's nothing you can do to force him.

Original poster
Tr4H0l · 27/08/2023 15:08

ItsNotRocketSalad · 27/08/2023 15:03

What do you mean, you were called a "we?" What is s**e?

He knows you want to be in contact and he knows how to get hold of you if he wants. There's nothing you can do to force him.

Sorry, I was trying to censor a couple of words to avoid being flagged.

OP posts:
ItsNotRocketSalad · 27/08/2023 15:09

Tr4H0l · 27/08/2023 15:08

Sorry, I was trying to censor a couple of words to avoid being flagged.

Show quote history

You can swear as much as you like on Mumsnet!

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General parenting
NotAsAnonymousAsYouThinkYouAre · 27/08/2023 15:10

You chose to have an affair, you blew his life apart and he hasn’t forgiven you. I don’t think there is anything you can do, he’s made his choice.

Enko · 27/08/2023 15:13

I think all you can do is say you are always there and will welcome him if he wants contact. Not a lot else to do. I'm sorry you can't control others emotions though his sound extreme

cruffinsmuffin · 27/08/2023 15:13

It's not your choice to make unfortunately. You made your choices back then and these seem to be the consequences.

He doesn't owe you contact, as harsh as that may sound to you. He's made enough of an effort to make sure you don't have his current number, email or address. I think that's a clear enough message from his side. Probably trying to pass messages through his sister doesn't help (flying monkey type scenario) - it makes it seem like you don't respect his decision.

GoingGoingUp · 27/08/2023 15:19

Tr4H0l · 27/08/2023 15:08

Sorry, I was trying to censor a couple of words to avoid being flagged.

Show quote history

Still have no idea what words you mean.

Ultimately actions have consequences. You chose to have an affair and this is the consequence of that. You can’t force him to speak to you.

Although, your username makes me doubt this.

catscalledbeanz · 27/08/2023 15:19

I have no idea what a-e is but I'm assuming w-e is whore? Regardless really, as he's made his position clear. You are not who he though you were and now that he knows who you are he doesn't want contact with you. It's a shame for you, but the least you can do is leave him in peace. Your actions changed his opinion of you. He doesn't want a relationship with a person who could commit adultery. That's his boundary to set.

LPBB · 27/08/2023 15:23

Well, I think his reaction is quite extreme. His life was hardly blown apart at 23. I could understand if you had done this while he was a child or something but at 23 to go to no contact because you had an affair and remarried is a bit weird.

I also doubt his boundary is "adultery". It's because you're his mum. The thought of his mother cheating on his father, having sex with another man etc is what's done it for him. I doubt he'd give as much of a shit about a mate of his who cheated on his Mrs. I mean, he could well care about other people doing it I guess, but in my experience men who dislike the thought of their mothers doing stuff like this don't always have an issue doing it themselves, but you're meant to be the "good pure mummy".

LPBB · 27/08/2023 15:24

Just let it go, it's all you can do

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/08/2023 15:25

If he’s told his partner you committed suicide then he’s not going to speak to you again, even if he wanted to because his lie would likely blow up his own relationship.

DatumTarum · 27/08/2023 15:26

There must be more to this. Nobody disowns their mother over a fling

bladebladebla1 · 27/08/2023 15:29

DatumTarum · 27/08/2023 15:26

There must be more to this. Nobody disowns their mother over a fling

Absolutely not true! I know quite a few who have but the other way around, actually the father but still, it's a huge betrayal so of course some can't get over it. It's sad tho

BacktoBeginnersFran · 27/08/2023 15:35

Can anyone explain w-e and s-e to me? I've no idea what they mean.
Re OP's question; all you can do is keep open to contact but if your DS doesn't want to connect with you that's his decision.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/08/2023 15:36

Can anyone explain w-e and s-e to me? I've no idea what they mean.

I assume whore and suicide

BacktoBeginnersFran · 27/08/2023 15:41

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/08/2023 15:36

Can anyone explain w-e and s-e to me? I've no idea what they mean.

I assume whore and suicide

Thank you. I've re-read OP now.

DS telling his partner that his mother is dead is quite a dramatic reaction, I'd have to query if there's more to it.

Parky04 · 27/08/2023 15:52

DatumTarum · 27/08/2023 15:26

There must be more to this. Nobody disowns their mother over a fling

My sister hasn't spoken to our mum for 35 years after she had an affair! My sister adored our father and couldn't forgive our mums betrayal. It's very sad but it is what it is.

Original poster
Tr4H0l · 27/08/2023 15:56

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/08/2023 15:36

Can anyone explain w-e and s-e to me? I've no idea what they mean.

I assume whore and suicide

Yes. I didn't know if my post would get flagged or put under review for these words, so attempted to censor them. Apologies for the confusion.

OP posts:
DatumTarum · 27/08/2023 15:59

@Parky04

Bet there was issues before.

Just seems such a petty reason

GoingGoingUp · 27/08/2023 16:03

DatumTarum · 27/08/2023 15:59

@Parky04

Bet there was issues before.

Just seems such a petty reason

Not necessarily. You see it all the time on here with dads - where children go NC because of affairs.

my82my · 27/08/2023 16:11

I've been no contact with my mum for years. I'd love a heartfelt apology letter but am aware I won't ever get one.
Maybe give that ago,, explain how sorry you are, how much you miss and love him and that the door is always open.
There's not much else you can do other than just turn up on his doorstep. A friend of mine who had been no contact for 11 years had her mum do this last year., it snapped her out of what she'd been holding onto for all of these years and they are now rebuilding there relationship.

HamBone · 27/08/2023 16:28

I think all you can do is continue to let his sister know that your door is always open to him if he ever wants to make contact.

I agree with PP’s that this is an extreme reaction. I’m assuming that he’s v. close to his father and can’t forgive you for betraying him? Is his father encouraging him to be no contact with you (if so, this is wrong)?

FireflyJar · 27/08/2023 16:39

BacktoBeginnersFran · 27/08/2023 15:35

Can anyone explain w-e and s-e to me? I've no idea what they mean.
Re OP's question; all you can do is keep open to contact but if your DS doesn't want to connect with you that's his decision.

Whore and suicide

IncompleteSenten · 27/08/2023 16:42

It's very sad but he's made his decision and you have no choice but to accept it.

Maybe write him a letter and leave it with his sister in case he ever wants to read it.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 27/08/2023 18:53

I think all you can do is continue to let his sister know that your door is always open to him if he ever wants to make contact.

Do not do this please. You've already used her as a Flying Monkey and it hasn't worked.

My "D"M has stopped using Flying Monkeys in me as I usually smile and have a discussion about how batshit crazy she Grin