Do I want another baby?

[MStarG]

I have a wonderful 18 month old DS. He is amazing and I have a love for him I never thought possible. I'm also completely exhausted and feel like I'm barely coping. My mum friends are now all moving onto baby no.2 and I feel so left behind and like a total failure. I would love a sibling for my DS but feel like I'm barely coping with him. I can't comprehend how everyone else can even contemplate another child? He takes every ounce of my energy and patience and while my DH is a great dad having a child has pushed us to our limits. Every time I hear another friend is expecting another baby I wonder why I'm so useless. Nobody else seems to feel this way. I'm starting to think I must be a terrible mum that I can't fathom adding another one to the mix. I desperately don't want him to be an only child (I know it might not be an option) but I just think it would break me. I'm so envious that others seem to find parenting much easier. I don't really have time on my side to wait until he is school aged etc and while I don't want to regret not having a second I don't want to ruin the relationship I think I have with my DS by just going ahead an having another baby if I don't know I'll cope. Why does it seem such an easy decision for everyone else?

If you're not ready, then you're not ready. Give it a few months, then reassess. Your son will be different at 2yo then he is at 18 months. As he gains the ability to communicate, and play independently and with other children, you will find him easier to deal with. Then there's all the additional development he'll do while you're pregnant. A lot can, and will, change. You're not a crap mum, and I'm willing to bet your friends realities aren't so dissimilar to your own despite appearances.

I wasn't ready in the slightest to have a second, until I suddenly was one day. Then it was all I could think about. My second is now the same age my first was when I got that all consuming need (17mo), and I definitely don't have it this time. I do want a third, and time is not on my side either, but I'm just not ready yet. But I know that when I'm ready, I'll know.

You are NOT a terrible mum!! Small children are hard work. As a PP said, things should start to get easier with time and then you might feel ready. And it’s ok if you don’t. Adding to your family is a very personal decision and shouldn’t be swayed by outside influences.

First of all you're not useless, you sound logical & caring. What I would say is don't have another for the sake of offering a sibling, have another one if you really want one. They're bloody hard work as you know. It may seem like everyone around you is on their second, but that doesn't mean you need to have a second? A lot of my friends are stopping at one & I can't say I blame them. Does your OH support you? You sound worn out emotionally anyway x

You both sound like great parents! As other pp said, adding to your family or not is very personal choice. Just of out of curiosity (derailing thread a bit), do you and DH have siblings?).
Anyhow it sounds like you are doing a grand job as parents. Take care.

I remember my MIL asking me several times (when DC1 was about the same age as your DS) when I was planning to have more babies. I was like 👉’is that not a baby? Wee baldy person in the high chair?’ I definitely wouldn’t have been up for getting pregnant/giving birth while DC1 was still tiny, no bloody way. I too admire women who have the desire/ability to raise multiple infants at once but I knew my own limits and nope nope nope. You’ll either change your mind or you won’t, give yourself a break and wait and see, you’re in no way a terrible mum for not wanting to overload yourself. And speaking as a parent of two much older kids, we do sometimes marvel even now when one or other or them is sleeping over/ at camp how much calmer/less squabbly life is, I get a feeling there’s a lot to be said for only children…

They’re not you, perhaps they have a different support system and they have a difference children. I didn’t entertain the idea of having a second until my first actually slept through the night. Some babies do this at 6 weeks but a few parents are still waiting a 6 years. Imo it’s a sign of a good parent to know your limits.

I had terrible PND, and it took me literally years to get my head and life back to a 'normal' place after my first. Everyone was having second and third babies around me and I felt like a total failure.

Then, when he was 4, it suddenly all felt easier and we've now got a 5 year old and a six month old, and it has been just such a different, more joyful, and easier experience.

So it may be this way for you- suddenly you will just start to feel like you could do it all again- and don't assume it will be the same hardness.

I know you say that time isn't on your side, which I do appreciate, but don't put pressure on yourself to have the standard two year gap. I also felt like 'whats wrong with me' when I couldn't contemplate having another at that stage. But the more I started actually noticing people's family set ups, the more diverse they actually are. I know as many one-child families as I do two or three. My son has friends with siblings with a five or six year gap. I think the confirmation bias means that you always notice the thing you're looking out for (two under two type thing) but actually, in real life, families are much more diverse and everyone has different things going on.

So really- don't beat yourself up. There's nothing wrong with you. Being ready to have a second child sooner, or at all, doesn't make you more of a mother. Knowing yourself, your limits, and what will make you happy is a much, much better test of the kind of parent you are

Perhaps they have easier babies and toddlers than yours? My friend has one 2yo that is an absolute whirlwind while my 2yo has a much different temperament! I have had a second baby, my friend hasn't. My friend can't fathom having another either because she's so exhausted with one. It doesn't have any reflection on our respective parenting.

Thanks everyone for your kind messages. It's nice to know some of you have felt similar and then hit a point where you feel it's the right time. I think you're right about all babies being different and my DS feels absolutely wild compared to friend's children!

@Einevinefine yes, we both have siblings. I have 1 and DH has 2. There are no cousins though and no likelihood of any soon.

There are 4.5 years between my children because, like you, I couldn't understand why people would have another baby when they already had one.
Also, it turns out my first child was a handful as a baby but I only realised quite how nightmarish she was when I had my second who was 'easy' in comparison.

I also know a family who had an 'easy' baby first, went on to have their second and have said quite openly they didn't understand why everyone found parenting so hard until they were parents to their second child - and that if they had him first, they wouldn't have gone on to have more children.

Just wait until you're ready. You don't have to keep up with the Jones. Every child and every family are different.

My oldest didn't sleep through the night until she was 2. There's a little over 3 year gap between my kids.... Younger DC is 20 months now and still not sleeping through the night. I don't think we'll have a third but I couldn't possibly contemplate it at the minute anyway because I'm too tired. I really love the 3-4 year gap, there's lots to recommend it. Why not decide you'll reassess when your DS is 2 and take all pressure off yourself until then.

I think most mums around here make their decisions on family planning way before even getting married - they go to uni, get a grad job, marry someone they met at uni, move out to the burbs, have a baby within a year, and a second baby 1-2 years. They don't really consider how it fits in with the first baby's temperament, just that they want 2 dc with a small gap and plough ahead because everyone else is doing it. I think your way makes more sense, because a bigger gap definitely benefits some type of dc and it's good to reflect on how things are progressing rather than going into parenting with preconceived ideas.

My DD was such an easy baby and toddler, relatively speaking. I still didn't feel I could handle a second! Decided to wait until it felt right. Now she's six and still an only child. I am a great mum and I love my life, and don't think I could have said either of those if I'd had a second. Most of my friends have had second DC now and to be honest it looks like far too much work to me. My DC is so content and happy, I don't want to disrupt that.

I felt the same when my DS was that age. We had DD when DS was just about to start reception. Everyone said they wouldn't get on or they wouldn't be close as I had such a big age gap. They're now 19 and 15 and they're very close. DS has definitely taken on the role of protective big brother. The bigger age gap really worked for us.

You are not ready and that's fair enough. Even worse would be to go ahead because it's what all your friends are doing. I wouldn't have coped with a small gap. Wait a couple of years and see how you feel then.

Little children are exhausting- they also change constantly. An 18 month old is not the same as a 3yr old. I think you are in the thick of the hardest stage imo.
Many just say sod it and have another because they don’t want to come out the other side and then step backwards.

I know you said you don't have much time. Obviously not sure what your individual circumstances are time/fertilitywise. However would you be happy just leaving it and then if/ when you do feel ready then have a try and see if it happens?

You are not a terrible Mum you are thinking of what is best for your family. We are ttc (not very successfully) a second and I've been stressing about gaps. It feels like there is a lot of focus on a two year gap and I'm not really sure why! I've come to terms with the fact that a larger gap would be better the child I have personality wise and our relationship and finances. If you decide you only want one or want a bigger gap I think you are just being considered and sensible.

It took until DS was 6 for me to be absolutely sure I wanted another so maybe just give yourself more time.

Having one child makes you a failure?

It doesn’t of course but I do understand how the OP feels. When everyone around you is having a second and you can’t face it you do wonder what is wrong about you. The answer of course is nothing but it can be hard to see that in the moment.

This post sounded so much like me it was actually a bit scary. The only way I knew it wasn't me was that your child is 12 months younger than mine. I feel the same in every way - all my friends have had or are expecting their 2nd and I feel like the odd one out. However, it looks SO SO hard, like the level of hard that I think would ruin my relationship and probably make me a terrible mum to DC1. I have a strong urge for a second but I just can't do it right now because my first is SUPER full on (like climbing the walls, pulling things off supermarket shelves, never sitting still kind of full on). I am just about feeling like I have some sort of life back and I am not ready to give that up just yet. Your little one is so young still, give it another 6 months and think about it then. Life is not a race!

I think you're a great mum, you are clearly putting your all into devoting yourself to the child you already have and isn't a bad thing.I did the same with DD who has always been on the demanding end of the scale, and it wasn't til she was 3yo I felt ready to have the mental capacity to contemplate having another.
18months is still very young....they don't have to be school age but you could still have another way before then with a 2/3 year age gap, which isn't uncommon....give yourself time and see how you feel....you don't sound ready right now.

Firstly he is only a baby, you do not need to rush this.

I was one of the people, like your friends, who got pregnant with a second child around that point. I don’t think it was necessarily a case of feeling like we had it all together though, it was more just deal with the immediate desire to have another baby, then in 9 months time we’ll need to cross the bridge of how to actually manage with two. I’m now on the other side of that bridge with husband about to go back to work after paternity leave and thinking wow, this is a lot! 😂 Getting pregnant again doesn’t mean they’re coping great or will find it easy, it’s purely that they’ve made a decision. I think around that point it is easy to be swept along by both the fact friends are usually having another and also the fact your first is just coming out of the baby stage and you miss it.

I had a complication during my section and I think it was likely made worse due to having my two relatively close together so I’ve found myself slightly wishing I’d given it another 6 months or so. It also means if this is my last baby then in a matter of weeks the newborn stage will be gone forever, then the baby stage etc. Having little kids lasts such a tiny chunk of your life (less than 5 years each). Maybe if I’d waited a bit I could have had spread it all out to last longer and enjoyed it more. There is no right or wrong but you don’t sound like you want one right now so I would re-evaluate it in another 6 months

He's only 18 months. We have a 3.5 year age gap and that works great for us. When my first was 18 months we weren't even thinking about a second.

I wondered the same, I would have ended up in a mental health hospital with two small children. Ill be having my second soon and DS will have just started school with a 4.5 year age gap. So glad I waited