4 year old won’t walk or potty train

[Lankyboxmum]

Im very worried about my 4 year olds development. He’s only just turned four, but he refuses to use the potty/ toilet or even have his nappy off for 5 minutes. He also wont walk, he will just scream for his pram constantly.

nursey have said he’s slightly behind, but they’re sure he’ll catch up eventually. He starts reception soon and will be one of the youngest in his class. it’s worrying as I’ve got 3 autistic children - but nursery have said they don’t see any traits. All my other children were potty trained before 3 and out the pram by then too so I’m pretty stumped!

any ideas?

I am a bit surprised you are only raising this now.
Did he not have a 2 yr check ?
Have you not taken him to the GP or HV ?

Can he weight bare?

Get rid of the pram, then it's not an option at all. You could do the same with nappies. Just stop buying them. Staff won't be allowed to change his nappy at school so you'll have to go and pick him up when he soils himself or wets through to his clothes. What really motivates him? Use it to implement a reward system for every time he uses the toilet.

I think he does have some kind of ASD.. it's a wide scope and everyone is different as you know and it runs in families.
I have two daughters .. myself and four Grandsons on the spectrum and all are different in every way.
One Grandson took until age 5 to get out of nappies.. and even had a large special needs buggy.. we now know he has bad feet and goes regularly to the specialist and has insoles made for his shoes.. he's now 8 and his feet are worse ..and painful and it's part of dyspraxia associated with his ASD.
Get them assessed don't rely on nursery.. you need experts.
Good luck.

SnuggleBuggleBoo
If he has a diagnosis then the school will change him.
Educate yourself.

Have you considered delaying his entry to school? He could potentially still start in reception, one year later, but you need to follow a certain process (depending on where you are?) He doesn't sound ready for school though and I'm surprised at the nursery's reaction. How are other areas of his development? Can he communicate well? Handle his emotions? Make and maintain friendships?

Yes he can weight bare, happy to run around the house/ garden/ parks etc it’s just walking he hates. He does have eye problems thought and was a late walker due to depth perception issues.
I have tried just taking nappies away, he literally will pee where he is standing. I haven’t brought it up with GP as nursery said they aren’t concerned. I know from getting my others diagnoses that without school/nursery concern they just brush parental concerns off. 2 year check went fine, HV was happy.

For his sake you need to push for further investigations. Start with the GP.

You already have 3 children with ASD? Then it’s highly likely he has it too, and honestly it was my first thought when I read the title.

I worked in a nursery for years and I cannot believe that they haven’t referred him, especially given your family history. These developmental delays are not simply a child “a little behind”. A child who doesn’t want to potty and doesn’t want to walk will still sometimes do these things under the right circumstances. The fact he won’t at all is indicative of an issue.

@Step5678 he plays alongside others- which according to nursery is normal for his age. Speech is slightly delayed but not too bad. He’s great with his emotions, doesn’t really tantrum much, but that could be because I’m always working on emotions with the others.

OP, were there any issues with his toileting as a baby/toddler? Rashes, infections, constipation?

How is he with touch? Anything he doesn’t like, clothing, blankets, etc?

With his pram, and his outbursts, is he able to be pulled out of it by anything (toys, music, food, etc) or does he have to tire himself out?

@catlady2222 no he won’t be left to his own devices - my others weren’t picked up until slightly older too, where I am they like to do a ‘watch and wait’ approach. I treat him as I treat the others, neurodivergent or not. I’m quite aware treating a neurotypical as autistic won’t harm them, but treating an autistic as neurotypical can be harmful.

yes I can cope either way, diagnosis or not won’t change what I’m doing although the diagnosis is important for other reasons.

This isn’t true - my sons school changed him all through reception and yr1 as he was late to be toilet trained, he had a diagnosis but no ehcp

@Daisy523 he has chronic constipation, Is a picky eater (apparently normal at his age) and no nothing pulls him out

We had the same - happy to walk in the house. Total refusal outside of the home it was so sad - crouching and shaking and couldn’t move and we used a buggy for a long time

While some preschools and schools won’t accept children who are not potty trained, all schools have to accept children with additional needs otherwise it’s a discriminatory situation. There’s legislation in place for this.

I taught a 5 year old who was still in nappies, as she was ASD, and it was never an issue. We never called her parents in, because changing one nappy is not a big deal

@SnuggleBuggleBoo another ignorant post 🤦‍♀️ ignore this idiotic response - poster knows nothing.

Ok so toileting is painful for him. Constipation can come with some serious pain, and for a child, it’s scary. The nappy is familiar, the potty is not. Have you had him allergy tested? What are the foods he will and won’t touch?

The fact that you can’t bring him out of his meltdown suggests he can’t control it. A child throwing a tantrum can be bargained with, or distracted. A child having a meltdown cannot.

His issues with food could be a sensory thing, but it seems like the constipation is something that needs looking into as well. I would highly suggest bringing him to the GP, asking for an allergy test and asking for a referral for an ASD diagnosis

@Lankyboxmum it might be worth considering that he is ND too particularly if all of your other children are. It can present very differently for everyone. It sounds like he’s struggling and would benefit from a HV appointment and maybe a referral to a paediatrician.

@Bex268 thank you, was in two minds too post incase I just got responses saying ‘just make him!’ Which really isn’t my parenting style., but I just wanted some other views. I keep getting told I’m just too paranoid because of my others, or too soft. Nobody else seems to see anything wrong, just think he’s slightly delayed

I would be pushing for assessment with these concerns, and especially as he has 3 older siblings with diagnoses.

Can you defer school for a year if you feel he's not ready?

@Sommerled I’m happy to do that, it’s definitely something I’ll talk to school about.

catlady2222 ·
What is she supposed to do? Give her children up.?? What a pathetic answer.. my daughter had 3 ASD boys.. now teenagers age 18 16 and 15.. became a single parent when they were toddlers and brought them up fine. Home educated them and eldest is going to uni in September and has a girlfriend.
You need educating .." Normal kids""??? What the fuck.
You mean neurotypical?

Hi op, it's not too late to delay him starting school to give him another year to develop. There is a really helpful Facebook group called 'flexible admissions for summerborns' where you can get lots of help with the process. He then will stay in his adopted cohort throughout school - so starts reception next year and stays with that class. We did it for my son who's going into year 3 now if you have any questions.

@TinkerbellefromYorkshire thank you, was thinking the same!
@Perfectweatherforducks would he stay a year behind through his school life, or could he join back at a later date if he was able? Thank you I’ll check that group out!