Sensible to stick at one?

[Undecidedandanon]

I would be interested on others' thoughts on whether sticking to just one child is our best/most sensible option.

I went into my only pregnancy wanting to be one and done from the outset. I am now having slight nagging doubts, as my DS gets closer to 2, (he's 21 months).

Reasons to stick with one are:

1. Our ages. I am 39 (but getting closer to 40) and my DH is already 45. We're worried about the risks our combined ages create.

2. Absolutely no extended family support, which has been hugely stressful as we both work, and in the 1st year of nursery, our DS has frequently been sent home with illnesses.

3. DS is amazing but, as a toddler, is extremely physical, and a spirited climber. I think a second toddler like that would finish me off.

4. I had really bad SPD/PGP, which has taken a year and a half of physio, plus injections at a private clinic to sort out. I was very active in terms of exercise hobbies before the pregnancy, so being prevented from properly exercising for over a year and a half after the birth was depressing. My physio has said I am pretty much guaranteed to get SPD/PGP if I were to get pregnant again.

5. I am just getting my career back on track. I changed jobs at the end of maternity leave, but the new place turned out to be a nightmare. After handing in my notice, it took several months in a bad job market to find something else. My new place is great, and largely remote, but I am conscious of how behind I am in career progression (from a year's maternity leave and then several months out after the original new job didn't work out.)

6. Our house isn't big enough for a second, and it's not exactly the best time, given the cost of living crisis, to be taking on a bigger mortgage.

Reasons for having a 2nd:

A) DS isn't going to get interaction with lots of cousins. He has 3 cousins, who are a bit older, but they are a long plane ride away and he hasn't even met them yet.

B) Sort of a variation of the above. DH and I both have a single sibling living abroad, so once our parents are no longer here, DS will pretty much be our only family.

I know that reasons A and B in the "for" camp are big reasons, but the length of the cons attached to the 'why not to' list seem to be overwhelming. I am frustrated about why I continue to feel guilty about not having a second, when actually, it's the only option that seems rational for our family.

I don't think the lack of family is a good enough reason personally. Most families do get on but you could end up with 2 siblings who barely speak to one another.

How do the finances actually stack up?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers Combined income of close to 110k , which sounds like a lot, but we're currently paying close to 2/3 of our mortgage in full-time nursery fees, and we live in a part of the South East which is not that far off London prices in terms of how much everything costs.

Moving somewhere cheaper isn't an option, as DH would rather return to his home country than live somewhere that wasn't within striking distance of London (British parents, so he has UK citizenship, but he grew up somewhere else, which he also has a passport for, and it has far better weather than here).

Moving somewhere cheaper isn't an option, as DH would rather return to his home country than live somewhere that wasn't within striking distance of London (British parents, so he has UK citizenship, but he grew up somewhere else, which he also has a passport for, and it has far better weather than here).

Is that where the DCousins are? Is moving there an option?

Nope, it's a different country entirely from where my DS's cousins live.
My DH's home country's is one of Aus or NZ ( I won't say which of the two), but it would be quite crap for my own parents if I moved there. DS's cousins live in an ex pat situation somewhere else.

Would you or your husband give up work until your hypothetical next baby got free nursery hrs?

I have a sibling and we have never ever got on well, we made my mum's life hell! She's told me she wished she'd stuck at one as it was so easy in comparison. I only have one and would never have another. I also have loads of cousins and although I keep in touch with some on fb we're not close and don't live anywhere near each other as adults.

Instead of having the huge upheaval of having another child why not just go to lots of toddler groups and as he gets older have friends over for tea, after school clubs/hobbies, days out with friends, birthday parties etc. There's loads of chance to be social beyond family.

I don't see how that's viable financially. Also, neither of us would want that dynamic, as it's been very much 50/50 childcare responsibilities with DS, so there isn't a default parent.

Yeah, I wonder whether giving DS a sibling is really in his best interests, when the outcome would be two extremely knackered and stressed parents who have hardly any time for him.

I was in a similar position and we agreed one and done - then when I should’ve gone for map I didn’t (in agreement with DH - we thought we’d go with fate!!).

We both love ‘fate’ DC very much - but honestly not a day goes by that I don’t regret our decision and if I could turn the clock after all these years I would. As siblings they aren’t close either! So careful what you wish for (or leave to fate!).

I’ll be honest you don’t sound like you want another- and nothing wrong with that. But if you don’t want your lives to change, or to make financial changes to make things viable, I would say you don’t really want another child.

It's a big decision which will have a massive impact on your lives, unless you are really sure you want a second I wouldn't take the chance. As others have said no guarantee they'll get on. I've recently had my second and the guilt I feel not being able to give my first all my attention is hard. Saying that my first loves their baby sibling and I'm glad they'll have each other if something happens to me and DH.

I think you would be crazy to have another.

That's what the rational part of my brain seems to be trying to tell me!

The support factor alone is huge. If you still both want to juggle careers and potentially two under three life would become a lot more stressful and expensive with no family around to help. It sounds like the only reason for is to give dc a sibling? As a pp said take your dc to groups, make an effort with other mums etc and they’ll have lots of friends and socialisation without need for a sibling. There are loads of only children in the UK with the number continuing to rise, especially in more expensive parts of the country, so he won’t be the only single child in his class I’m sure.

Sounds like sticking at 1 is perfect for your family and situation.

Personally I do have more. But as a teacher can I reassure you that I see lots of VERY happy only children that are well adjusted and very content. They aren't lonely.

You're nearly 40 - leave it up to chance? If it happens it happens...

Yes, I don't personally know of anyone in our situation who has had more than one. Those that have two seem to have a lot of family support or one partner (not always the woman) has massively reduced their hours or quit work altogether for a while.

You sound a lot like me actually. I really empathise as I change my mind multiple times a day and the issue dominates my thoughts.

Reading your situation I would say don't have another just to give your DC a sibling. Only do it if you have that yearning for another child.

Families come in all shapes and sizes and if you make sure your DC has plenty of social interaction then I would forget the idea of another child unless you were personally very keen. Compromising your health is very risky and you have no support. Your son needs a healthy mother more than a sibling.

We were in a similar situation and due to a lack of family support and being unable to really reduce either of our working hours, the cost of childcare just made it impossible to have a second child. I'm sure we could have potentially scraped by but it would have had a huge impact on our quality of life overall.
Our dd does lots of activities and has made lots of friends that are like family to her. Most of her friends at these activities are also only children (or have large age gaps between siblings) and she's almost created her own mini family. She's definitely not lonely and both myself and dh have said that she's far more outgoing and sociable than either of us were at her age because we tended to just stick with our siblings/let our older siblings speak for us.
Neither myself nor DH are close to our siblings so having siblings is definitely not a guarantee of a huge extended family with great relationships. Our dd has no contact with some of her cousins due to the strained family relationships.

Could have been me you're talking about with the first bit, age wise of the whole family! We had many nagging doubts after being set only ever on one (and prior to that one we had been on fence about any!). But, too many reasons like u that we r sticking with one, financial, family etc. As u say the people I know with more have a lot of family help, and a lot of money (which might not buy happiness I know but can buy an absolute massive house and garden in a lovely area!). I also know of two people who went for a second and got twins....and are now, whilst obviously delighted with their family, are finding it insanely hard and stressful, and currently not entirely enjoyable.
We had two dogs and always said we'd stop at one, and didn't...and I know dogs aren't kids, but like the poster above despite living number 2 I regret having made that decision. Money, time, entirely different than easy number 1....and couldn't imagine that with a number 2 kid. We struggle to keep everyone happy now, no way could chuck another being in the mix now being 40+, I actually think it would break me!!!

We were one and done and then I got the itch when DD1 turned 2 and we did go on to have a second DD, now 14mo. She's brilliant, I adore her and am glad we did it, but I think had we stayed at one we also would have been happy. We don't have any family around us (or even much family in general, my dad is the only grandparent alive now and he's not an involved one!) so it does mean that we have to do everything ourselves, but we manage.

The only reason though to have another is because you want one, not for imagined relationships between your child and their future sibling which may or may not come to pass. At the moment my DDs adore each other but I'm sure there will be a lot of ups and downs in years to come, particularly when we reach the teenage ones! And who knows how their relationship will develop.

Do you actually WANT a second child?

As in, do you feel broody? Family incomplete? Do you yearn for another child?

If you don’t and the only reasons are a sibling then definitely don’t do it.

Having 2 close together is undoubtedly tough for first few years, but I love seeing my two play and be companions for one another. With no cousins nearby, do you have a good social circle?
Your age shouldn't be a factor, I know plenty of mums who had their first (& healthy) baby at 40 and over.

We have 2 and no extended family support and it’s fine so don’t think that’s a reason not to have another. For me the nursery fees and having a baby and a nightmare toddler at the same time would put me off, that’s why we waited until the oldest was 3 to start trying - so we have a bit of a bigger age gap, so no double nursery fees (oldest at school when baby started nursery), and oldest is a bit more independent- can dress herself etc. however I was a lot younger so realise you might be thinking time isn’t on your side to wait for a slightly bigger age gap - so to be honest in your situation I would defo consider sticking with one….