Sensible to stick at one?

[Undecidedandanon]

I would be interested on others' thoughts on whether sticking to just one child is our best/most sensible option.

I went into my only pregnancy wanting to be one and done from the outset. I am now having slight nagging doubts, as my DS gets closer to 2, (he's 21 months).

Reasons to stick with one are:

1. Our ages. I am 39 (but getting closer to 40) and my DH is already 45. We're worried about the risks our combined ages create.

2. Absolutely no extended family support, which has been hugely stressful as we both work, and in the 1st year of nursery, our DS has frequently been sent home with illnesses.

3. DS is amazing but, as a toddler, is extremely physical, and a spirited climber. I think a second toddler like that would finish me off.

4. I had really bad SPD/PGP, which has taken a year and a half of physio, plus injections at a private clinic to sort out. I was very active in terms of exercise hobbies before the pregnancy, so being prevented from properly exercising for over a year and a half after the birth was depressing. My physio has said I am pretty much guaranteed to get SPD/PGP if I were to get pregnant again.

5. I am just getting my career back on track. I changed jobs at the end of maternity leave, but the new place turned out to be a nightmare. After handing in my notice, it took several months in a bad job market to find something else. My new place is great, and largely remote, but I am conscious of how behind I am in career progression (from a year's maternity leave and then several months out after the original new job didn't work out.)

6. Our house isn't big enough for a second, and it's not exactly the best time, given the cost of living crisis, to be taking on a bigger mortgage.

Reasons for having a 2nd:

A) DS isn't going to get interaction with lots of cousins. He has 3 cousins, who are a bit older, but they are a long plane ride away and he hasn't even met them yet.

B) Sort of a variation of the above. DH and I both have a single sibling living abroad, so once our parents are no longer here, DS will pretty much be our only family.

I know that reasons A and B in the "for" camp are big reasons, but the length of the cons attached to the 'why not to' list seem to be overwhelming. I am frustrated about why I continue to feel guilty about not having a second, when actually, it's the only option that seems rational for our family.

We were one and done and then got really envious of seeing other families with siblings interacting and ended up going for DC2. It was very much to have a companion for DC1, which everyone says is a terrible idea but it worked out well and they just get on so well. Age gap meant that DC1 started school shortly after DC2 was born, so no double nursery fees, and plenty of time to have DC2 on her own as a baby, and far easier to juggle both as DC1 is more independent.

No extended family help which has been fine, but my pgs and birth were easy. Was over 40 for DC2 and no issues at all. We've needed to move to a bigger house which has cost a lot more so that's definitely a factor to think about. I'm a sahm now which is a decision I made even with one. It would definitely be harder to juggle 2 if I was working, especially as DC1 does lots of hobbies (and I've realised it's going to be a nightmare juggling it once DC2 starts). But that's optional really, if I was working they'd just be in wraparound care.

I've noticed parents of onlies tend to do more play dates and things like joint holidays, which tbh I'm not so keen on, and I'd rather have just our family doing days out than hosting another child just to keep our DC company. So that's something to think about, because the option of having lots of friends over for tea, joint days out, nurturing mum friendships etc might not appeal to you (and in our part of London has been hard to organise anyway due to lots of working parents, kids doing loads of wraparound or after school/weekend activities, and parents only seeing their dc at weekends so they don't like to share that time with other families).

I feel a bit sad that DS won't get a sibling. In some ways I wouldn't mind a second attempt at the newborn phase, as I only managed 6 months of combi feeding and would have liked to have EFB.

It's actually doing this current toddler bit again, where they catch every illness under the sun and are constantly on the go and getting into dangerous situations that puts me off a second, as well as the guaranteed SPD/PGP issues from pregnancy.

EBF, even!

We only have one who was born last year and not having more as I am already 42 and it's too risky. I also don't have the energy to go through the newborn stage again. There's a part of me that some times thinks 'maybe we should' but I try to stick to the rational thinking of it simply not being wise/safe.

I am in a similar situation. We have 1 boy, he is 3 in December. I was always adamant I was 1 and done because of our ages and financial situation.

I found 9 months old to about now, quite hard work. I adore my son but I'm a SAHM with no family or friends nearby. It's only now that I have a twinge of feeling like maybe another would be nice. Mainly because I'd like another one of my son as I love him so much!

But, I know its a huge risk. We are struggling financially, which will ease when he goes to school in 2 years and I will have a part time job.

A second child may not be as easy as my first, who has been a dream and yet I still found it hard. A second means another 5 years of being at home and being a bit lonely. Plus, we're well into our 40s now so potential risks there, even if we had a successful pregnancy. I don't want to rock that boat and make all of our lives harder.

I think if we're younger, we'd probably do it and make it work somehow financially.

We're not going to have a second, there's too much against it. It's a head vs heart and I'm going with my head.

It does sound similar. There are many aspects of my DS that make him a dream child, so I don't understand why I have found it so hard. He has slept through from 7.30pm - 7.30am since he was around 8 months old, for example, and he is also extremely smiley.

However, when he is awake he is exhausting: Climbing on — and getting into — everything, and he's always one step ahead of my child proofing.

I see other parents of similar age girls who seem to sit still contentedly playing with toys at the table in a pub or restaurant, whereas my DS is trying to scale the furniture, escape or do anything but stay in one place. (I actually wanted a boy, but Christ, this age is hard bloody work).

I obviously can't control the sex or climbing temperament of a hypothetical second (I know girls can occasionally be climbers, too). I think I could just about cope with a second non climbing toddler, but the constantly being horrified by how he's managed to trap himself/bump himself and chasing after him to stop him climbing on furniture and escaping has, really, really worn me down.

@Undecidedandanon Your son sounds very like mine. I suspect it may be harder for you however as your time is limited and you will have so much more to fit in with an energetic toddler on the days off you do have. I would be even more exhausted if I had to work and deal with the toddler energy on my days off work.

I say no to a lot of invitations to do things as I know what it will be. A nice picnic will be me running after my son after he's had 2 mouthfuls of a sandwich. He ran non stop around a zoo the other day - our step count was 6 miles and he wasn't even tired by the end. 6 miles, running at age 2. It's absolutely exhausting! (I'm reaffirming my decision to stick at 1 even as I write!)

Pretty much everything I read about only children is positive. I was 1 of 3 and I think I would have liked a quieter life as much as I love my siblings. I very much enjoyed the peace when they left to go to uni!

Your reasons are basically the same as mine.

We instead focus on giving her a wide social circle - we have playdates with other kids from nursery and we have time, energy and money for her to do as many activities and clubs as she needs.

The best line I ever heard was 'When you have a second child, you are taking away resource from the first.'

Yes, that's how I feel. It's currently a bit of a juggling act, but it feels like DS gets a good amount of our time and attention, even though we both work. If we threw another child into the mix, I can't see that being maintained without massively scaling back work hours or quitting work altogether.

I always thought I wanted two children. Had ds - difficult birth I struggled to get over and then lots of problems with allergies and sleep in that first year, I didn’t feel I could ever go though it again for the longest time. Agonised for 4 years then just one day woke up and knew I was ready. Had none of the same problems with Dd and have never looked back, it’s been brilliant for us and my ds. Can’t believe I wasted all that time wondering and stressing over the decision. I feel very much that you only regret the children you don’t have, never the ones that you do (but reading a few comments here perhaps that’s not a universal sentiment).

My situation isn’t comparable in lots of ways especially as I had ds at 27 and I could afford to wait a while, but I do think it’s worth considering whether in 10 years you’ll regret not having tried for another. If you think it’s unlikely it will really bother you then stick with one. If the thought makes your heart break a little then you could try and it’s likely that once they’re here you’ll adore them as you do your first and find a way to compromise financially/ make it work logistically without wishing it any other way.

My partner & I had talked about having more than one child. I completely changed my mind when we suspected our son has autism. Which suspicions were correct when he was diagnosed with autism in January this year when he was almost 4 years old. He's an amazing little boy. Hes an absolute joy. He has his struggles but has come such a long way. I love being a mum but since having our son I've had no desire or brooding to have another child.

I definitely don't think I'd be able to cope with another child. My partner is very hands off & I do all the parenting pretty much by myself. That's one of many reason I said no to another child.

Which to begin with he thought it was selfish to only have one child without a sibling.

Now though we would also he stretched financially if we were to have another child.

Our son struggles with sensory issues & really struggles with noises, especially with babies & other children crying.

I'm happy with the decision of one & done.

You don’t want another one so don’t. Your reasons are the most irrelevant and uncontrollable reasons ever. Bring an only from a tiny family has done real advantages!