Toddler boundaries - practical tips please!

[BananaPalm]

It seems that our DS has entered the "terrible twos" a bit early (he's 20mo) and we are unsure how to manage it. I obviously read the advice re validating emotions, empathising, and still holding the boundary but... how do you do it in practice?

Tantrum scenario: he's having a tantrum for 40min straight with no end of it in sight, as he wanted to eat while running around and not sitting down (almost choked by doing this!). What do I do then? Appease him with anything (a cookie, eating on the go, Mrs Rachel video, etc.) as the tantrum is taking too long now? Or hold the boundary that "we eat at the table, so you can be upset but this won't change even if you scream for an hour"? (how do you cope with an hour of screaming though?)

Weekend scenario: DS doesn't want to eat breakfast at 8am but plays till 10am and then wants to eat it. Shall I allow it? Or hold the boundary that "breakfast is at 8am and if not, you have to wait till lunch"? Just to say that eating breakfast at 10am would push the rest of the meals by 2 hours, meaning very late dinner...

Basically, I don't know how much I can accommodate his "wants" so that he still gets the message that there ARE boundaries that need to be respected. I want to be consistent but don't know to what extent I can flex.

He doesn't yet understand complex sentences/ideas/instructions so "explaining" things to him is not yet possible.

Any words of wisdom will be very much appreciated!

Honestly I think holding boundaries and being consistent is absolutely key.

So in the tantrum example, hold the boundary. It's a safety issue - no running around whilst eating. I might try to distract by sitting down near him with a few of his books and offer him a safe space to calm down.....sometimes they need hugs/contact to help them regulate. But if you "flex" e.g. by offering a cookie or putting the TV on, what does he learn? Tantrum equals something nice.

Second example, no, breakfast is over, but here is some chopped up pepper (carrots, apples etc) as a snack. Lunch is at 12.

My daughter is 2 now so you have my sympathies

In example one I would have tried to appease and calm the tantrum but not by giving treats , instead it would be cuddles and reassurence and asking her why this made her so sad etc. I would probably also give some milk or a drink she likes in a calm area (away from where the tantrum was) to let her cool down

For example 2 I would have made her breakfast at 8 took her in to have it and if she didn't eat it and wanted it at 10 I would present her with the same breakfast but keep other meal times on schedule. I think it's more important that they learn to recognise their own hunger cues than feel they have to eat at particular times as they are still learning how to recognise those feelings properly

Thanks so much for this!

So, in the tantrum scenario, do I really wait with books/toys etc. till it passes? Even if it's going on for an hour?

He literally wouldn't stop screaming, it was getting super late so I did give him a biscuit in the end. I know, my bad, but I was terrified he wouldn't go to bed.

I'll definitely keep the food advice in mind. Love it.

In the first instance, I'd take the food away and leave them to it to have their tantrum. They do it for attention, if you don't give it they'll soon get bored. Then a simple 'Are you ready to finish your lunch now?' and they eat it or don't.
Second example, again I'd tell them that breakfast is over and they have to wait until snack time or lunch.
It's tricky as they don't really understand consequences at that age, so 'eat your food or no tv later' doesn't work.

Sorry, my previous reply was to @Batbatbatty

@Meifly With your tantrum advice I think it might be helpful when he's a bit older, maybe in 6 months or so. At the moment he would neither understand nor be able to even indicate what made him so upset. Oh! And trying to cuddle him in the middle of the tantrum is the worst - he'd literally start pushing you away as hard as he could.

As to the meals, I'll need to have a think about it. I get the idea behind it but the thing is, unless you're a sahm or it's a weekend, the day has its set rhythm so if he doesn't want to eat breakfast at 8am he simply won't have it as at the nursery he'll get a little snack at 9:30 and then lunch at 11:30am. And the same will be at school - he won't be able to just eat whenever he feels like it...

For the everlasting tantrum 😜you could also change the scenery, so I would strap the writhing octopus in his buggy and go outside and walk.

Or start doing something that you know he finds really interesting (some kind of game, activity, building something with his favourite magnetiles or whatever) and see if his curiosity overcomes the tantrum.

Or yes, just leave him to it for a bit.

I think the key thing is to hold firm to the really important boundaries but also "pick your battles" so that you don't find yourself in the position of holding firm to something that doesn't really matter.

If you feel strongly about sitting down to eat (personally I'd let that one go but it's your choice) then don't give in after a tantrum. I wouldn't give a cookie either, but some TV to help calm down would be ok.

A healthy snack at 10 and then lunch at normal time sounds ok to me, I wouldn't shift all the other mealtimes.

Great ideas, thank you!

I think at 20 months he probably does understand quite a lot even if he can't communicate (which is why he gets so frustrated). If he often wants to get up and run around at mealtimes, I'd pre-empt it by talking beforehand about what will happen if he does (mealtime will be over). You'll still get the tantrum, but it might not be as extreme as he'll be half-expecting to have the food taken away.

Re. breakfast, I'd probably not insist but I know what it's like having a toddler who's grumpy because he's hungry, but won't eat! I'd try and get him to drink some milk instead, then offer a slightly bigger mid-morning snack and do everything else at the same time as planned.

How interesting, yes, sitting down to eat is for me a safety issue (he started choking when he was eating while running around) so I'd like to nip it in the bud if possible.

Good to know that you wouldn't shift the mealtimes either. I don't have many friends with kids of this age so it's difficult for me to know "what people normally do" 🙈

With the tantrum you describe over where to eat, I may try to distract him with something else, but I wouldn't change the rule about eating. So I wouldn't make him eat, but if he wants to, he eats at the table.

My tactics so far have been: stick with your firm 'no's' (in this instance running round eating is dangerous so I agree that's a firm no), offer Two Choices (do you want to eat at the table now or later? admittedly this one is harder with a 20 month old than an older toddler) or give a thinking distraction (oh wow, look at the cat in the garden!).

Yesterday my 2.5 year old was having a tantrum as he didn't want to get dressed. His dad was wrestling him into clothes on the floor (as we were going to be late for childcare) and I was working at my desk. I looked at my son and said 'G, what noise does a duck make?' He didn't reply so I asked 'Does it go moo?' I saw him slow down and shake his head so I added 'What noise does it make then?' And got a half sobbed half giggled 'Quack quack'. In another second he was laughing and then let daddy finish dressing him.

It doesn't always work, but presenting a new idea is often a good way of breaking out of a tantrum for us.

Tantrum scenario: I would do the same! No running with food and not to give in when he has a tantrum. It must be difficult to listen for 40 minutes straight. Thankfully, my toddler's tantrum never this long as she easily gets distracted. I let her have a tantrum for a while, then put on music (alexa; never put on television while having a tantrum!) and start dancing and singing which she loves.

Weekend scenario: I personally not as firm with schedule. I would offer the breakfast at 8 am and try to make him eat it. If not, offer the same at 10am.
For me, sitting down for lunch and/or dinner is important, but the snacks and breakfast time can change.
Are you sitting down with him for breakfast? He might doesn't like to eat alone.
I definitely won't push the other meal times. If his breakfast at 10, maybe skip the afternoon snack and go straight to dinner?
I often do that if my toddler's lunch delayed due to naptime.

You have my sympathy, my boy is 2.5 now and since the communication has come on leaps and bounds, the tantrums have massively decreased. So, until you can communicate effectively with each other, my go to was always distraction. Distract with something else, anything else which may calm him down. My son loves the outdoors, so we would either go to a window and I would get excited and say "oh look at that red car!" Or "oh wow there's a bird up there". Or we would literally lift him and take him into the garden. Talking to him calmly might work now, but defo didn't when he was 20 months.

In terms of the eating, my rule is always I decide what you eat, you decide how much. So I always offer him meals and snacks on time, at the table, but I do not force him to eat. He can get down if he wants, but food stays at the table. He often gets up and down again, but I stop the process after a certain amount of time, e.g. 45 mins. If I was you in your example of wanting breakfast at 10 - that's snack time, so he can have a snack until lunch comes at 11.30.

Be consistent, and be calm. Even if I want to scream at him to just sit and eat, I pretend to be super calm when he asks to get down or says he doesn't want it, I just say "that's OK, you don't have to eat it. But it's lunch time and mummy is eating, so I am staying at the table until I am finished eating". Also just on that point, we changed to eating all of our meals with him, probably around 20months actually and it has helped. So the rule is he can get down and play, but we don't. He can't sit on my knee or try to play with me while I'm eating, because it's lunch or dinner time etc.

Don't offer alternatives. I only offer alternatives if I realised I've added too much spice for example - but if he can eat it, he doesn't get an alternative. He knows this now and doesn't ask for something different.

Hope that's helpful!

Would you use a high chair? My toddlers still go in it, it's one that grows as they do, they're totally safe then and you've eliminated the problem completely plus it totally cuts down on mess

Also, some mornings my toddlers could go an hour or two before breakfast and then they'll wolf it down, way easier and better for their development I think to let them eat when they're hungry than trying to force it and causing tantrums, it's not meant to be good to cause issues over food so I'd really pick my battles..

How much can he talk?

My boy is 21 months old and has the worst tantrums. Meal times he sits in his high chair if he doesn’t eat it that’s it till snack time / the next meal. If he doesn’t want to go in his high chair at first I’ll get a toy car for him to play with then distract him and take it away and put the food in front. I would stick to meal times strictly. Tantrums I tend to ignore (learnt this the hard way with my oldest) he usually calms down after 10 mins. I did try other ways but it encouraged the tantrum to last longer.

Hey, where is toddler having tantrums, are they moved to a quiet place/safe area. Maybe make a cosy corner with some cushions, sensory toys (home made sensory bottles are good and they can help make them too)
Don't reward with tablet time as that's only going to make them learn 'oh if I kick off, they'll give me miss rachel' try to stay calm, sit with them, don't cuddle of it makes worse but try distractions, 'oh look at this sensory bottle'. If you go on Pinterest there's loads of ideas for calming ones too, a lot are just glitter/glitter glue in water etc. Easy to make. Good luck x

Which one of you do you want to be in charge? It does sound like you're reading a few too many parenting books. Toddlers don't need listening to or empathy, they're little feral monsters and just like puppies they need proper discipline.
I think from what you're saying that you know very well what to do but lack confidence as you're worried you'll be strict mummy that no one likes. But you do need to take charge. Its your life, you make the rules, if kid plays up then ignore. If they miss meals then too bad.

Once the tantrum starts, always hold the boundary!

I think kids understand more than we think, even when they're not speaking in sentences I think they understand us talking in them

For boundaries, I always made them impersonal rules that we're external to me. That way I could be on the kids side with the empathy and still hold the boundary.
So not "I won't let you run" or "mummy says no running". Instead make it "it isn't safe to run and eat" or "the rule is no running"

Once the tantrum is in full swing, I'd just sit on the floor, I wouldn't hug them or restrain them unless they were going to get hurt. Be calm. Be zen. Nothing can annoy you. Your kids anger has no power over you. (ha! But pretend). And very calmly, slowly and softly narrate what happened.

"you aren't allowed to run around when your eating, and when mummy said you had to sit down to eat that made you angry. You want to run and you want to eat, is that right? I see. Yes, I can understand that you're feeling very angry right now. Being angry doesn't feel nice does it? Don't worry it will go soon. I'm here if you need a hug"

Saying all of that could take the full half an hour tantrum easily, with lots of pauses between each sentence, and reassuring nothings like "mmm I know, I know" So it's not like you're delivering a lecture to them.

I actually wouldn't distract (assuming you're at home and have the time), I know it's what most people do, but I think the kid sitting with the uncomfortable feeling helps them become more emotionally intelligent and less at the mercy of the 'big' overwhelming emotions. Makes them realise that anger/sadness/jealousy etc are normal and they can deal with them

At the end of the tantrum my DC used to attack hug me. They wanted to be close, but they weren't gentle and loving, they were still angry. Then they'd start to properly cry, like a release of emotion and the anger was just gone.

After the tantrum still hold the boundary! Don't give them a treat. They still love you. You don't need to repair anything.

Definitely hold boundaries, the firmer you stick to them and they realise the tantrum doesn't get them what they want the shorter they should get and stop in theory.

With the breakfast, i would take away then re-present at snack time, we have snacks between meals.

Best advice I ever heard was 'More freedom, stricter boundaries'.

When we just get used to saying 'No' all day long (which is SUCH a triggering word for toddlers anyway) we just make it a constant battle which tires us out, makes us give in and makes the boundaries wobbly.

I ask myself 'Why am I saying no?' If it isnt to keep them safe, then crack on. You want the red plate? You got it. You want to pull those dvds out and make a tower? Sure. You wanna do painting? Cool ok.

It than makes it easier to stick to the ones that matter. Give a warning - 'Paint goes on paper - if we cant paint properly we will have to stop.;
Inevitably carries on
'Ok, I can see you are struggling to keep the paint on the paper, so I am going to put it away for another day.'

Meals are a weird one, because then you enter a whole new territory,

Sometimes DD isnt hungry when she wakes up so I just leave breakfast out for her. I dont know if I could force her to eat? At this age they are starting to hate the idea of things being done to them, and want some control back. Would you want to be told 'You eat now, or thats it for hours?' if you were not that hungry?

We go to nursery and if she hasnt touched it I normally chuck the toast or a banana in my bag for her to eat on the bus.

Make things easier for yourself, not harder!

Everyone will have a different answer, so don't worry that there's one "right one" - you have to get the balance that feels right for your family.

For me I try to strike a balance between having a guess at the root cause of behaviour, but also having lines that aren't crossed.

For example, a 40 min tantrum might have been that he wasn't really hungry, or it was late, a long day and he was tired, if it was extra hot he might have been thirsty, he might not have had enough exercise/fresh air, you might be able to notice patterns more widely that can predict behaviour.

Mealtimes are quite easy, I take the approach that I provide food and they choose to eat it or not, there will be more food provided in roughly 2 hours (4-hourly meals plus snack) so they won't go hungry, and I just don't worry about it. As long as there aren't severe difficulties with food, normal toddler fussiness won't result in starvation, malnutrition etc.

DH is a bit more prone to worrying about their eating than me so he will coax them a bit more, sometimes feeding them, offering them distractions, alternative foods etc. Which is OK - I think it's fine for parents to take different approaches as long as they aren't directly contradicting each other.

In general I take the approach that I control the environment when they are toddlers, and so I don't expect them to "control" their behaviour as such, but they might get choices that I am genuinely OK with both options, and I think they learn self control from those boundaries too. For example, you can walk around or come and eat, but food stays on the table. Or, you can hold my hand or sit in the buggy, but we are by a road and I need you safe. Then the adult makes overarching decisions like: OK, you keep pulling away from my hand, and I don't feel safe, so I'm going to strap you into the buggy. Or this mealtime is just turning into a stressful time; you seem like you're not really hungry, I'm going to clear it away. I would (ideally!!) not get drawn into a back and forth tug of war over these - if they (probably at a more verbal age than 20m) say "Noooooo please I will eat/hold hands/whatever" and you give them another chance and they don't do it and you threaten to take it away again and it goes on and on - no - just unhelpful and will exhaust you, until you get to a place where you're parenting in a more reactive way (shouting, hitting etc). Make an executive decision and stick to it and then validate feelings or distract or sympathise or ignore or WHATEVER helps.

Something I have found is helpful is differentiating between boundaries and requests/commands - people often use the word "boundary" to mean "thing I don't want my child to do" but that isn't really a good definition, the better way to think of it I've found is that the boundary is something which is within MY control (as you can't control another person's behaviour, even a two year old) and about what I will or won't do.

So my boundary about food might be that it is only served at the table. I won't let you take it away from the table. (Hold the boundary by stopping child from getting down, asking for the food back, explaining that it stays on the table, taking the food out of their hand if necessary, bringing the child with food back to table if necessary, clearing away mealtime if child is not coming back). Also adults/older children can help model by keeping their own food at the table.

I also might have a boundary about what I serve for dinner. This is the food that's available, if you don't like it, I will make toast, or porridge, but I'm not making a whole other meal.

If I do not want my toddler pulling all of my books down, I move them to a higher shelf, and put toddler-friendly, more robust board books on the shelves that they can access. The extra height is a physical boundary.

Whereas a request/command is something like "Leave the bookshelf alone" or "Stop splashing water out of the bath" or "It's time to go now, come on follow me" especially if you then back this up with something like "If you do that again, you are coming out of the bath" or "If you don't come now, no pudding". and then wait for them to decide whether to do it again or not and then react with either praise for complying or whatever the threatened punishment/consequence was if they do not.

I think (controversial opinion alert) request/command backed up by threat is a totally useless strategy with toddlers, especially 2-3 year olds. It causes a lot of excess stress and conflict and frustration for parents, because you get into a lot of situations where you think "They KNOW the rule, they know they will get into trouble but they do it anyway". IME people who try to rely on this a lot have a very frustrating time and find the toddler years very draining. Interestingly they tend to report that it gets easier at around 4, which I think is about the usual time for when this strategy does work with a child's development. It's usually put down to the idea that 2/3 year olds are constantly pushing boundaries and by age 4 (ish) they have learned where the boundaries are thanks to you holding them, and they don't push back against them as much any more. I think this is a misconstrual of what boundaries mean, and is more about children developing a better sense of considering potential future consequences. They WILL push boundaries whatever you do, but it's much less frustrating IME if you're thinking of the boundary as something that's totally under your control, rather than the boundary being an invisible line that you're basically daring your child to cross and then you have to police it all the time.

Control environment, try to have half an eye on their physical needs (including stuff like overstimulation, temperature, hydration, need for movement/exercise, attention, etc), know what your boundaries are that you can control, steer them towards the wanted behaviour with positive reinforcement. If they are totally losing it, remove them from the situation. All of these are great strategies which work well and can reduce conflict in the toddler years. It's my favourite age. Enjoy!

(I love the How To Talk books too, there is one for "little kids" from age 2 ish).