Toddler boundaries - practical tips please!

[BananaPalm]

It seems that our DS has entered the "terrible twos" a bit early (he's 20mo) and we are unsure how to manage it. I obviously read the advice re validating emotions, empathising, and still holding the boundary but... how do you do it in practice?

Tantrum scenario: he's having a tantrum for 40min straight with no end of it in sight, as he wanted to eat while running around and not sitting down (almost choked by doing this!). What do I do then? Appease him with anything (a cookie, eating on the go, Mrs Rachel video, etc.) as the tantrum is taking too long now? Or hold the boundary that "we eat at the table, so you can be upset but this won't change even if you scream for an hour"? (how do you cope with an hour of screaming though?)

Weekend scenario: DS doesn't want to eat breakfast at 8am but plays till 10am and then wants to eat it. Shall I allow it? Or hold the boundary that "breakfast is at 8am and if not, you have to wait till lunch"? Just to say that eating breakfast at 10am would push the rest of the meals by 2 hours, meaning very late dinner...

Basically, I don't know how much I can accommodate his "wants" so that he still gets the message that there ARE boundaries that need to be respected. I want to be consistent but don't know to what extent I can flex.

He doesn't yet understand complex sentences/ideas/instructions so "explaining" things to him is not yet possible.

Any words of wisdom will be very much appreciated!

Sorry meant to add at the end: We all have ideals about how we would like to parent, but don't beat yourself up if you find yourself doing non-ideal things sometimes. There is some really good evidence that it all averages out and as long as the total net sum is positive then it's all good. You are going to have moments where you say "Why on earth did I just do/say that???" and you just have to go with it.

I think it's important to differentiate what is an important boundary and what isn't. It's understandable that kids reject being overly controlled, they are just starting to understand they are seperate people. It's also important to see tantrums as a emotional overwhelm response, not toddlers trying to manipulate adults, they don't have the brain structure for this sort of choice.

So, sitting down to eat might be an important boundary, but can you offer a choice of where to sit? E.g. which seat at the table, or a choice between table of a picnic blanket on the floor. Nothing wrong with making a deal e.g. we will run three laps and then sit to eat.

Re food, I think you should give a snack when hungry. As adults we recognise people are hungry at different times. Just give a smaller snack if you are worried about lunch (though tbh 2 hours seems plenty of time to be ok for lunch). Are you sure you aren't objecting to this on principle rather than for a real reason?

Dc have so little control of their lives, I think part of good parenting is allowing them some control when we can. The goal of parenting isn't to have obedient children, it is to raise functional adults.

For the breakfast scenario, I'd try to follow his lead to an extent, not everyone is hungry when they first wake up, so if he doesn't want to eat until ten then why not just move breakfast to ten? You can always then have a smaller lunch rather than moving lunch later. If 10 gets in the way of going out and doing things, then offer a small breakfast at 8 and try to bring along a more substantial snack for 10ish like a toast sandwich. That way he still gets to eat but it doesn't affect everything else.

Once the tantrum starts, you need to hold the boundary. Before it starts, it's worth considering whether this thing really matters.

Today, for example, DC wanted a croissant for lunch. They'd had a good breakfast and we'd a healthy dinner planned, so a non-balanced lunch isn't the worst thing in the world. How many times have we opted for crisps over fruit, or a sandwich over a salad?

Also today, DC wanted to drink my coffee. Absolutely not going to happen. Small tantrum ensued, but that's a firm boundary.

Tantrums are testing boundaries, and appropriate boundaries help children know that they're safe.

My approach once the tantrum starts is to acknowledge they're having some big emotions going on, reassure that I'm here, make sure they're safe, and then either play with something else near them or sit near them until they're ready. Then we have a cuddle, maybe some milk if it's been extra upsetting, and carry on with our day.

I love your advice @BertieBotts , so many of these types of threads just go 'he just has to learn to do as he's told, I'm in charge' and don't acknowledge that young toddlers aren't developmentally ready for some techniques!

I know the breakfast thing is just an example, but I've plenty of experience of a toddler who actually is hungry, and that's why he's in a shitty mood, but just won't eat because he doesn't know what he needs and just wants to play. Mine is older now and can cope but just thinking back to 20 months, we used to avoid conflict by bringing a non-messy snack (a breadstick or little piece of dry toast) up when getting him out of bed. Then he'd already eaten something and was much more compliant through all the getting downstairs for breakfast shenanigans.