I’ve ruined my son with television

[MarleyMallow]

Hello. For a long time I was going through a major mental health crisis. Lots of bad things happened to me, I was single parenting and had no family around and I was in a dark place. During this time my poor 2 year old watched a lot of television- I know it’s awful, I am so ashamed of myself, but it was the only way I could cope.

Im getting better now and my son (now 3) goes to a bit of nursery, we go out every day, socialise and do lots of activities. He is a fairly switched on kid and has no developmental delays which I am so thankful for. He’s starting to read letters and can spell his own name and county to 30, so thankfully television hasn’t held him back there.

But he has zero patience, cannot play with toys for more than a few minutes And will not play alone. I’ve cleared out all his toys so he isn’t overwhelmed and have a few that are varied from puzzles to cars to building things - all age appropriate and all bits he enjoys. But he never goes to play with them, he’s asks for tv all the time. I say no, and he loses it. When he’s upset he asks for a cuddle and then tv, showing that he is using it for comfort as well as me.

I feel awful. Someone on here said you can tell children who watch too much tv as they have no patience. I am desperate to get this right. I know I’m a terrible mother who has massively screwed up. I am praying I haven’t done any permanent damage - please don’t tell me anything about the brain being so or the neural pathways and tv too long - I get it, I have really screwed up. How can I do damage limitation here? What can do I do to fix my mess? If he’s upset then I comfort him. If he asks for tv I say no because I want him to seek comfort elsewhere, but how can I increase his attention span, lengthen his patience etc? I read that children his age should be playing independently for 30-40 minutes, he won’t even do 2.

Please don’t have a go at me, I know I’m the worst mum. I am desperate to make this right.

Thank you.

I would completely reframe this.

You had a major mental health crisis with no help and managed to raise your son who now goes to nursery and does different activities. That is all down to you and your resilience.

Don't beat yourself up and don't worry.

I'd start by saying mum is going to get a snack, show me your fire engine/lego/Playmobil/whatever when I get back and take it from there. Loads of kids are super clingy and refuse to play alone, it's not your fault and probably not the TV's fault either, it is what it is. Maybe have set morning/afternoon times for TV when you get back from being out? That is totally normal, he needs downtime too.

He sounds like a completely normal 3 year old. They're not known for their patience or ability to amuse themselves.

Don't have any advice but wanted to say don't beat yourself up too much. You're not the only one - I have been there too following a split from DS's dad when he was 2 and moving houses a fair few times and suffering depression.
You've recognised it and put things in place to change.

All the best xx

Forget about what has been, just focus on moving forward.
Yes, he will find it hard to settle and focus on an activity for a while, but with practice he will get there.

I’d remove the TV from the house entirely, or at the very least move it to a less used room and keep him out of that room for at least a fortnight.
If he asks for TV say you don’t know where it’s gone, then distract him with other activities.
It will be hard and he’ll scream and complain at first, but things will improve.

He's 3 and most 3 year olds do this. To much TV at that age isn't that bad. My grandson loved Monkey Life at that age and still knows more about primate behaviour than most kids his age.(now 6)

It’s not too late! You need to up the ante in terms of imaginative play with him. Mine used to absolutely love playmobil and acting out little dramas, but it always involved me or their dad - they’d soon lose interest if playing on their own, so I think this is pretty normal.

What about painting or crafts? Baking together? Or doing as much outside of the house as you can.

Sounds very normal for a 3 year old tbh.

Dont beat yourself up about this at all. My eldest watched a lot of TV at 2 when his sister was born.

They both watched loads during lock down!

They are 6 and 4 now. The 6 year old is poorly today so we’re having a duvet day and watching Hairspray.

TV isn’t terrible or the enemy. There are some great things on CBeebies. Me and the kids could watch Bluey all day lol.

Loads of kids his age don’t like to play alone, I don’t think you should blame yourself or the TV! I would lead him into it so for example set up the playdoh then pop to the loo, or say you need to check lunch and be in/out with him but slowing extending the time. And give direction e.g. can you make me a green cake? Now what about a blue car? And be strict and consistent about when the TV is allowed e.g. one episode of whatever he chooses after lunch then it goes off, and again one episode whilst you run his bath (or however it would be most useful for you).

Hi @MarleyMallow
Omg no you are not the worst Mum, please don't think that. Your son will grow out of it, please don't worry and you're a great Mum xx

100% this, don't beat yourself up OP. 3 year olds don't play by themselves for very long. Limit TV going forwards but expect him to ask a lot - it's normal. Like they ask for crisps every day

This level of attention span sounds pretty normal to me. I've been very strict with TV time and neither of my children had access to any other screens (we don't own a tablet or games consoles etc). Despite all this they have only recently (ages 6&9) started to entertain themselves for more than 30mins at a time. When they got old enough (about 5 yrs) to read a bit and do craft activities by themselves this was a big turning point.

I have just spent a whole lot of time entertaining them myself. One of them even said to me "mummy you are my favourite toy!".

30 to 40 minutes is COMPLETELY out of left field. At school we expect children to be able to play/self direct for their age + 1 or 2 minutes. So 5 would be the absolute maximum without any adult support. Where on earth did you get that? Have you spoken to your health visitor?

He sounds completely normal and you seem like you might need more support for your self criticism which is unwarranted x

Omg, I promise you have a normal 3-year-old, its nothing to do with TV. Independent play does not come naturally to most children at this age and is something you can work on.

Sounds like you have raised an amazing little boy x

Please don't beat yourself up, you did what you needed to do to get through a crisis, just as those who suffer a physical health crisis would have to do. You sound like a wonderful, caring and committed mum and I'm sure your son will be absolutely fine (and sounds like a very normal 3yo).

He sounds like a typical 3 year old.
Generations of children before us watched the TV non stop and were fine
He is fine
Don't feel guilty
Use the time now to engage him in short activities and slowly reduce the TV time with other things which are fun, my little boy loves puzzles and jigsaws but only if I am doing them with him

You are not the worst mum and he will be fine. But because you sound like you’d enjoy having a strategy to try out, to help him learn, here is one:

You can do ‘parallel play’ to teach him ways of playing. It has a snazzy new name I’ve forgotten but basically you and he both have exactly the same toys and play the same way next to each other with a little script.

So you might have a teddy and a set of pretend food and play giving teddy his lunch. You might say ‘Let’s play lunchtime… come and sit here teddy… here comes your tasty lunch… mmm cheese sandwiches… you ate it all up! Playing finished!’ The idea is for him to copy your play but you don’t push him. Let him see you do it, then try it again the next day, until he starts to do it too. When he knows the routine talk to him about what you might add to extend it. Or see if he will play it independently.

Or you could do it with a set of Lego or duplo: ‘Let’s play building a house… first window brick… now green brick … ‘ etc. You will probably find other ideas by googling parallel play too.

Not sure tv is to blame with what you describe. Our tv was always on in the background. Kids were only interested if The Simpsons or similar was on, I believe it’s the bright primer colours that attracts babies/toddler attention. They were not tv addicts, did lots of stuff like Duplo and puzzles away from the tv even though tv was on. One has ADHD along with a lot of other stuff, no others do. None of them have concentration issues, with the one with ADHD more than able to hyperfocus when it’s something if interest to them.

Please don’t worry - it’s TV, not crack. And I don’t believe most 3 year olds can entertain themselves independently for 40 minutes!

Is it cause or effect? Many children who struggle to play for long periods love screens. I think the reason your DS tolerated watching so much TV , is that he was always going to be the kind of kid who craves stimulation. Kids are all wired differently. My friends little boy will watch 30 minutes max if it’s something he likes then just wonders off.
My kids are both the same. Short attention spans, love screen! My DD will now sit for hours and do crafts and my DS will read comics but neither have ever really played with toys. It helps me and my kids to be very black and white. I don’t allow tv during the school week and have set hours during the weekends and unless someone’s ill, no amount of whining changes anything.
Find things he enjoys, get out of the house a lot and stop worrying you’ve ruined him. It sounds like you did a great job in a tough situation.

My kids couldn’t play by themselves EVER and could only keep themselves occupied with screens too. I would tear my hair out, wondering what on earth I’d done wrong.

They were autistic. I’m not saying your son is neurodivergent, I just wanted to point out that sometimes there are other underlying reasons apart from being a shit mum 😅

Be kind to yourself and as a previous person said, try to reframe things.

He's still so young - I would say iPads/mobiles are worse for kids than TV.

Things that my 3 year old loves:

• being outside, especially looking for insects. Lifting up pots/bricks and looking for worms and woodlice
• gardening - planting seeds etc. Watering plants
• this may depend on your son.. but playing with construction toys and using dried beans as a construction material to scoop/dump. Could be done with rice... You want something you can hoover up
• messy play, painting
• endless roleplay, but I have to be very involved

Good luck - I wouldn't focus on getting him to play independently, but maybe to get him used to playing with you, no TV, for longer periods of time?

I'd also echo maybe getting rid of/moving the TV

Absolutely you need to reframe this in your head - you survived a crisis while lone parenting a small child. This is a mark of huge strength. Well done you.

OP you poor thing. You've had an awful time and you managed to keep yourself and child together , amazing job!!

Don't beat yourself up about this, he sounds very normal. I was very strict on TV and neither had any before 2yo, then very limited etc - the eldest is 6yo and he still can't occupy himself for 40 mins! And my youngest also asks for TV if he has hurt himself!!

Please don’t worry too much, this sounds pretty normal for a 3yo! My daughter is 5.5 and only recently really has been playing independently for long periods of time. She also sometimes asks for tv to calm herself down, which I actually don’t think is a terrible thing? It’s all part of learning to manage your emotions, we try and talk her through things that might make her feel better (cuddling a teddy etc) and sometimes she wants to cuddle up on my knee and watch tv.

As others have said, you can try getting him started on an activity and then popping off to do something else to encourage him to play independently but I think a big chunk of it is developmental

Hi to make you feel better, we had strict no tv under 2yo and started little bits of tv after that, like 5min Thomas the Tank Engine episodes. My 2yo will sometimes act like yours if I switch it off. Not a sign you’ve damaged them. They’re just not so good at regulating their emotions and reactions. I think just keep doing what you’re doing, slowly increasing his attention span. Maybe a jump to independent play is too much. Have you demonstrated playing to him and narrating what you’re doing and what you’re enjoying about it? You could start with parallel play with you. I really like doing jigsaw puzzles and talking about each piece and looking for others, you could get 2 piece ones related to his favourite tv show. We then moved on to “race” the jigsaw. Cooking games are fun too. Usually they just like copying us, so any boring every day task like making a cup of tea and finishing doing that seems to help.

You got this. You’ve noticed and you’re addressing it. Neural pathways can be remade in adults with discipline and devotion, for sure they can be built in toddlers with a loving and attentive mother like you.