My 20 month old is unbearable

[Mamato2under2]

Hello

I'm not even sure how to word any of this without sounding like the worst mum on the planet. But I think ill just have to be very blunt.

My 20 month old DD is a living nightmare.
She was the most gentle, sensitive and sweet little thing until she was around 10 months old. And now she's just the devil's work. I'd love to be exaggerating when I say she cries, screams, whinges and whines all day but that is how she is. I have a 3 year old who doesn't want to spend time with her because she's too noisy, my 4 month old frequently gets woken and startled by her screaming.
She will ask for a drink and while I'm making her drink she goes wild screaming and crying for the drink. I'll give her the drink and she throws it to the floor and has a full on breakdown. That's just one example. Her sleep is appalling at the moment. Often wakes at 2am and won't go back to sleep until 5am - which is usually my little boys feeding time. So im up for the day at 2am mostly. Tonight she woke at 8.30 and screamed non stop until right now, she's moved to whining now. She has spent the last hour climbing on my head, pulling my hair, screaming in my ears, and just being a bit of a pest.

I have spoken to the HV about it multiple times but as we go through HVs like we go through toilet paper in this house its been a bit unproductive. Our latest HV thinks a referral to the Child Development Clinic would be beneficial but they won't accept her because she's so young. So at the moment it's a case of building evidence to put to them.

My 3 year old starts nursery on Thursday and I feel absolutely awful that we haven't been able to do any activities together just us before she sets off on her new adventure because DD just looses the plot. My 4 month old has has needs met but 1-1 time is very limited as my DD just climbs all over him, screams in his face and climbs all over me crying. It's like no one is allowed any of my attention because she will loose her shit.

I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. Shes meeting her milestones, can communicate somewhat verbally. But shes just as angry and upset 24/7! Please help!

So this has been going on since around the point you probably found out you were pregnant? Could that be playing a part?

She's still so little then you bring a new baby home, she obviously feels pushed out and needs/wants your attention which she can't be getting much off if you have 3 under 3s!!

You've got 3 under 4!

We had three under 3 and its hell.

I'm sorry you feel this way about your middle one. I actually felt the same. You are spread very thinly. Please have very low expectations at this stage and realise you're doing well under very difficult circumstances.

It will get easier. Do you have much support from your oh? My husband has a close bond with our middle one, at least partly because I had relatively little to give her (I'm sad to say).

It's all worked out as they've gotten older, and they play together and are a great little team now. We're a very close family, but I do remember those early days were tough having them close together...

In a kind way, your attention is split three ways amongst children that can't rationalise that. The 3yo has slightly more understanding, but at 20 months they are so little. Throw another baby into the mix and no wonder she's confused and frustrated.

You say the oldest is going to nursery, do you have any cash for the 20mo to go alternate days. Means some 1:2 time with each child and 1:1 when baby is a sleep.

I didnt find out I was pregnant with no3 until 21 weeks so I'm not sure if it's related to it or not.
She has had terrible separation anxiety since she was 7 months old. It was incredibly testing but we found some things that work and she's now semi happy to go to others. It's just seems to have really worsened since before the baby was born. He's a really lazy babe and sleeps alot so she still gets a good chunk of my time, we spend lots of quality time together doing puzzles, flash cards etc and she really adores her new brother. But the big emotions are just so hard to cope with now. I first contacted the Hv about it in October last year looking for some advice to help her through her big emotions because my eldest didn't go through any phases like that so it was all new! So it's been a really long time

May not be financially viable without funding for her, but could you put her in nursery a couple of days and your 3 yr old less days? Some breaks may be good for you both? Spend a lot of time with her on the days she is home?
Otherwise, with nursery coming up for your eldest child, can you put some focused time together just you & her when the baby naps and see if that helps?
Is there anything you can do to make your life easier or help you cope with the needs of the 3 of them and yourself better? Or just to get more sleep? Can you afford a mothers help type person to come in and help you while you are there?
Kindly, your post indicates you are struggling to cope and she is being scapegoated a bit? Even if she does have additional needs/ annoying behaviours it’s not her fault, and she is as much a part of the family as the easier children. I do hope the new term brings some easier days for you all.

I think some nursery time for her would be a good start, and work on a sleep schedule when you are able.

It's tough for you, 3 under 4 is very intense. Your toddler is just expressing her needs in the only ways she is capable right now - try to remember that. She's not setting out to make anyone's life difficult, she's just having a hard time. Take things one day at a time, keep doing your best, this will pass.

Can you think of ways to pre-empt some of her meltdowns? Prefilled sippy cups, easy snacks every few hours to get ahead of hungry tantrums, a few new toys/books to pull out as a distraction, etc?

I had 2 under 2 and then 3 under 4, so I do sympathise. They are late teens and young adults now, we survived somehow! You will too.

Nursery.
Sounds like you need a break from each other for a few hours.

Seconding the call for nursery, even a day (even a half day!) a week so you get a bit of a break

I pre-empt everything at the moment! I have sippy cups in every room, a snack plate readily available they have a play room with their toys. I do toy rotation to keep it interesting but with easy access to all the toys so she has as much choice as she likes.

Nursery isn't financially an option at the moment. She goes to my in laws every Tuesday and it's such a welcomed break, shes always great when she's there and has a good time. But the minute she's home it starts again. Even my in laws are shocked by the change in her when she arrives home.

I appreciate the comment about her being a scapegoat but that's absolutely not the case. Our HVs, Early Years worker and GP have all seen it for themselves and agree it isn't "normal" behavior for her age to have such huge reactions. Especially when her speech is great, and she's meeting all her milestones.

She developed good sleep habits early on, and has been a great sleeper until recently and it's just exhausting now.

Sounds like you have three babies and no one's getting enough attention. And she's fighting for a slice.

Nursery might help to give you a break, but can you also find some 1:1 time for her?

Are you in Stockport OP?

Personally sounds like she just wants your attention and she is still basically a baby. I am not sure why you instantly think something is wrong with her other than feeling pushed out if this started when the baby was born? If her speech is normal etc then she needs some loving one to one. Are you not entitled to the two year funding you can get if you are on a low income?

You can't help her through her emotions. She is one! My 18 month throws himself back if I take something back off him. It is quite unrealistic to try and get her to manage them. My 6 year old can't always manage it either.

The OP spends lots of quality time with her as she’s said multiple times. Fgs 🙄

So much so that the eldest is the one who doesn’t get much one on one time.

The problem is not one on one time or snacks. It’s the middle child’s behaviour.

OP, if nursery not an option could the in laws have her a bit more?

Does she have a lot / any screen time?
Perhaps food intolerances ?

At her Grandparents she has 2:1 attention, at home she has 1:3.

Do your inlaws have the eldest at all?

Any other family/friends that could help?

Does she nap much in the day?

you need to get this night waking-day starting sorted out & everything will seem better.

she's just a tiny tot, I have no time for HV's & GP's are not specialists in childhood behaviour either. Her behaviour seems pretty normal for a 20 month old, especially a middle child.

Your eldest might not have had Big Emotions, but by comparison she had a lot more 1:1 attention.

I'd be pushing for an ot assessment, which they can do at this age. My son is 21 months and is developing a typically and we are in the middle of an assessment. It's looking like my ds is autistic with sensory issues and some demand avoidance

@Green777 She's still tiny, she needs more attention than she's getting. playing flas cards etc for a while clearly isn't meeting her needs.

its not fair to say it's her behaviour that's the problem.

the last thing she needs is to be looked after more by others.

@Mamato2under2 she's probably really over tired. I think your priority needs to be sorting out the night wakings & re settling when it happens.

id concentrate on that & see how things are when your 3yo is at nursery.

the good things is, it's a phase you're all going through, it won't last!

Well I can choose to believe OP’s account who’s there with her a lot during the day doing activities and spending lots of time with her while baby naps and eldest is lent given much one on one time as a result or I can believe you who says no she isn’t and seems to know more than the OP.

I do agree that a lot of it may be to do with tiredness, agree she’s tiny and still needs a lot of attention.

I expect this behaviour at that age but not constantly throughout the whole day, there’s definitely an underlying issue.

Thank you to those that offer constructive advice.

She doesn't nap unless she is in the car but definitely still needs a good nap in the day so I'll try to get that back!!

She is allergic to cows milk and blueberries. Both are well managed and she is under the care of the allergist,dietician,paeds & gastro.

Our early years lady wanted to do a referral to the OT, however, they said she was too young. But I'll look at this again.

Yes, she is too young to regulate emotions, but what I meant by help her manage her emotions was the same way that we all do with our children, they will never learn how to appropriately convey and feel their emotions without our help.

"She clearly isn't getting enough attention" is absolute nonsense. You don't live in my house, you do not see the extent of it. Her behavior absolutely not normal. Or mors to the point, her behaviour is age appropriate to a degree but not for around 18 hours a day.

I came here for advice and a bit of solidarity not criticism and accusations.

But her behaviour is 'normal' with her grandparents, she doesn't have any speech issues and is meeting milestones - so the problem seems to be emotional rather than developmental.

Behaviour happens for a reason, it's about trying to get needs met - you say yourself she is angry, upset and seeking attention. Think about what need she is trying to have met.

Siblings can be very different - I have one child who was pretty chilled and basically never tantrummed, one who had CRAZY tantrums and emotional outbursts and one who had kind of an average amount. Often first borns are the most chilled.

I do not think there is anything wrong with her .... as evidenced by the fact that she is fine with her GPs. She is just furious at having to share you and has no reasonable way of letting you know, so she is being "unreasonable" in adult terms.
It is very hard to deal with I know ..a friend came round one day when ours were small, took one look at me me and whisked the children off for the day!

It really does sound as though you are doing all you can, and the only consolation is that it does pass in time ... my 3 are best mates now as adults.

Hang on in there!