Struggling to find a parenting method I agree with

[redgrape5]

Hello!
I am a mum of a 1 year old. Naturally, we're starting to think about how on earth we want to raise her and other future children.
I've read 2 books - Janet Lansbury's "No Bad Kids" and "The Contented Little Toddler" by Gina Ford. I am aware that Gina is a dirty word in MN - I just liked her baby routines so thought I'd give her other book a go, but didn't find this one that good anyway so largely discarded it.
I mostly agree with Janet Lansbury's approach - which I suppose you would call gentle parenting, but there are aspects of it that I don't subscribe to. I agree that as parents we should be calm and authoritative, set clear boundaries, not shame the child, affirm their emotions etc. However, I don't agree that punishments (as opposed to natural consequences) are bad. I think punishments serve an important purpose and I really dislike the way some parenting experts have changed the meaning of certain words, as if "punishment" means getting angry or shaming your child. It never meant that. While some may administer punishments in this way, I think that administering a proportionate punishment, not in anger, is often the most loving thing you can do. The child will learn that if they disobey authority figures in society, like teachers or police, they will be punished in some way. That's how the world works. In most scenarios in life, when you break the rules, you don't just get "natural consequences".

I also don't agree with certain other things gentle parenting experts suggest such as "buddy guarding", i.e. if your child is prone to hitting, just following them around the park or wherever and stopping them every time they go to hit someone, to show that you are there to help them so that they feel safe and like you're in control. In that kind of scenario, I think I would rather tell them off (calmly and proportionately), give them one more chance to play nicely, and if not, leave. She would say this is creating a "story" or a big drama, which the child will then repeat in future (is this really true??). She also suggests things like, if your child draws on the walls, your reaction should be more like "I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you not draw on the walls".

So anyway, does anyone know of any parenting books, methods or experts that takes a respectful approach, but doesn't see "punishment" as a bad word? I'm just not convinced by some of these methods. They seem way too permissive and I do think that rewards and punishments - while they definitely can be abused - are, broadly speaking, a very basic and important part of parenting, and that some experts have really overcomplicated and over-psychoanalysed things to the extent that some of the resulting suggestions are just nonsense.

I'd just do what feels right to you

I don't put a label on my parenting. I also haven't read any books. I know roughly how ill do things and when somthing happens, it either works or if it doesn't ill have a think about what to do next time. All I know there are some things that I want my son to learn, and there are things that I don't want him to know...like the fear I felt when I'd done something wrong (physical punishment).
I think it's good that you've got some bits you agree on and you'll work out the rest on your own.

How to talk so little children listen, is my favourite parenting book I’ve read for parenting toddlers. May not be that applicable for a one year old, but definitely useful for 2/3 year olds.

How to talk so children listen is a great recommend. We have the children and teens one. V similar approach so whichever you read it will help!

you parents your child how they need parenting. I agree with PP you don’t need a label. I’m surprised you have time to read!

This. It's not compulsory to follow an 'expert'.

My sil is very into attachment parenting and seemed to really struggle with the idea that I would say that I wasn't an attachment parent but even though I breastfed for longer than average and Co-slept. If she just accepted that I was doing my own thing she'd have slept more easily.

Children are very unique. One of my dcs loved purees, another liked baby led weaning. One liked co-sleeping the other was happier in her own room. Follow your own lead.

I don't think it's a bad thing to educate yourself on different styles but don't get too caught up in a particular style. Take bits that you like from each style and create your own style that suits your ideals and values!

Just go with the flow. Every child is different and you need to adjust your technique to each child anyway.

You don't need a method. You do you.

As others have said, just do it your way. I never read a single parenting book and have two adult DC with good manners, good careers and happy relationships.

I have a friend who is a retired GP. Her advice was always "Don't shout at them too much and remember to clean their teeth."

Babies don’t read the books. They don’t conform to what a book says they should.

don’t try to conform to any one method. All they are is one persons view on how things should be. Do what works for you and your baby.

Just don't do the bits you don't like? Surely.

I found the Janet Landsury books useful and by and large followed them. We also followed Gina ford for structuring nap times (not much else) when our DS was a baby.

You don’t need to follow any of the methods dogmatically, just take what resonates and seems useful and leave the rest.

You really don’t need to choose a style and then stick to it religiously. Different children need different approaches anyway. Just pick the parts you like and that make sense for you and your child.

Thanks, everyone :)

You don't need to settle on a 'parenting method' - the author of the books doesn't know your individual child. You just find your own way. I'm firm but fair with plenty of activities, play dates and time outside. There is no label for it, it's just me and my beliefs.

You don't need to have a set label for your parenting, but I do think it's worth being clear on your overall approach so you can be consistent.

For example, I don't like the word punishment and also don't get on board with adults picking silly power play battles with children. I genuinely think some adults are obsessed with control and parent from a position of fear where if they don't show a 2 year old who's boss by winning the pyjama set battle they'll have a 9 year old who wears pants on their head and can't function.

I'm very happy with natural and logical consequences though. I'm in favour of calmly held boundaries.
Eg. If a child isn't using their toy in an appropriate way, the toy is put away to keep everyone safe and to respect our possessions. Later that day or when the situation is calm, I'll happily get the toy back out.

A punishment mindset to the same situation would be that the child needs to have the toy removed to teach them a lesson, they need to go on the naughty spot or they get told off, and later that day they still can't have the toy back because they need to be taught a lesson. This parent will withhold the toy for a random amount of time purely to exert control and upset the child and show them who is boss.

Why not just wing it like the rest of us?

I think parenting books are just a ploy to make mothers feel like they aren’t doing a good job.
I do what feels right at the time. Maybe it is. Maybe it’s not but my kids are growing up in to decent little people so I’ll keep doing that

Just do whatever feels right and works for you, your child and their other parent. I think it’s important to be on the same page with their other parent. There’s no guidebook for parenting!

Read all the books from Gina to gentle and then made up my own approach. Instincts are an excellent guide, it’s overthinking or laziness that cause most problems.

Someyimes my instincts tell me that thenplay centre is too big and rough and to stay close to my toddler, so I do. Orher times my instincts may tell me to tell off my toddler and ban screens for a month, and that’s ok too.

If there was one great approach that suited all kids, there wouldn’t be so many books.

One thing I keep seeing here is getting your child to listen. Mine are now 18 and 20, plus I have two stepsons, now 32 and 34, who lived with us during their teens. I would like to emphasise how important it is to LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD. Give them the space to communicate what they feel and need, not what YOU think they do. This becomes increasingly important but it still needs the happen when kids are very young too. Don't dismiss their feelings.

The only worthwhile parenting book I read when DD was small was How to Talk So Children Listen. Honestly, that's it.

I wanted well behaved kids who I would be able to take anywhere, and who would be emotionally close enough to me to come to me for help and advice when they are teens. An awful lot of my parenting decisions now they are 11 and 8 are based on ameliorating the worst of the teen years to come. So focussed on building my connection with them, giving them the tools the assess their own behaviour, combined with sufficient authority when needed.

It's mostly working. We talk EVERYTHING through, sometimes repeatedly and in truly boringly exhaustive detail, but that's usually after the fact. If I give an order they know it'll be for a good reason, and that I'll be fair.

Mine have a combination of ASD, ADHD, ADD and PDA, before anyone comments. They're oppositional by nature (it's a fear/stress response), so discussions are vital for us.

Nobody's checking up on which methods are which. Whilst I think it can be helpful to read a few books the first time round, most of them are essentially making money out of common sense. Not all of it will apply to your child - you become the expert on your child.

Pick and choose the bits that work for you and don't feel the need to label. Trust yourself.

There is no parenting method, book or expert who is inside your head and will put into words exactly how you should parent your child.

Reading books is great if you want to get ideas but you can't just pick a parenting method and follow it religiously. There's no manual for parenting. You have to figure out your own way.